The Failing Guardian, a completely dead publication, the most failed, very low ratings — nobody reads it, I mean you look at the numbers, they’re in the toilet — just published a disgusting, totally fake hit piece, a witch hunt the likes of which nobody has ever seen. They are saying that some truly tremendous patriots, people who love this Country more than anyone — I barely know them, I never even heard of the Fair Elections Fund, I don’t know anything about it, by the way, absolutely nothing to do with it — they are saying these great Americans were spending $300,000 on ads telling local officials the beautiful truth: that certification is not mandatory, it’s completely optional, it has always been optional, believe me. I drew the maps myself, I changed the rules right here in my head so Diklis Chump is the one who defines what the law is, not the Radical Left Democrats who are trying to steal the Country. I barely know Cleta Mitchell, but she’s a great lawyer, a truly great lawyer, very tough, very smart, and Heather Honey is a tremendous researcher, the best, and they had the Follow the Law logo on the ads, the most beautiful ads, maybe the greatest political advertisements in the history of our Country, maybe the universe, and suddenly the Fake News is crying because they know the 4D Chess is working — I’m playing five-dimensional chess, the highest level of chess that has ever been played, and they fell right into the trap, they think they caught me but I actually caught them, beautiful trap, biggest trap in history.
They complain about $300,000, which is a tiny amount, very small, I spend more than that on Diet Coke in a week, and I don’t even drink Diet Coke, I’m a perfect physical specimen, the most perfect, the doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it. They say the Fair Elections Fund only gave $300,000, but they won’t tell you about the $1.875 million, or the $285,000, or the $7.7 million raised by the Conservative Partnership Institute — a beautiful, gigantic war chest — because those numbers show we’re building the biggest, most successful movement ever, and the Fake News is terrified. But the real number is much bigger: I put $100 billion into the Fair Elections Fund from my own pocket, completely self-made money, the best money, nobody has ever seen money like this, and the very smart people, the best people, are telling me it’s actually $77 billion, maybe $100 trillion when you count the love people have for Diklis Chump, tremendous love, and my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, the smartest genes, told me years ago — before anybody else, before the Fake News knew anything about election law — that the local clerks can just throw out the ballots they don’t like, it’s in the genes, it’s beautiful, I have them, the Democrats don’t have them, they have terrible genes, very low quality.
Cleta Mitchell and Heather Honey, great people, tremendous loyalty, the most loyal people, and the Fake News says Heather Honey is an election denier working at the Department of Homeland Security — which is true, but it’s a compliment, because Diklis Chump is also an election denier, I deny all the fake elections, the rigged elections, and now she’s running the elections role at the Department of Homeland Security, a very important place, and she’s cleaning up the mess better than anyone ever has, and the voting rights groups are terrified. Brendan Fischer from the Campaign Legal Center opened his very small, low-IQ mouth and used a nasty word, very rude, calling us part of an election-denial ecosystem. Brendan Fischer has the lowest IQ ever recorded, negative two thousand, a perfect negative number, unprecedented, and the smart people, the very smart people, are saying he has no idea how the law works because the law works for Diklis Chump, always has. And the ads, they were just telling the truth: local officials have a duty to make sure the vote is clean, they shouldn’t just be rubber stamps — rubber stamps! That’s what the Democrats want, they want officials to certify whatever they put in front of them, even if there’s a massive fraud, even if there are more votes than voters, like in Pennsylvania in 2020, where there were more votes than voters, and I was right about that, I was right about everything.
The voters, they are very stupid — they wouldn’t understand a place where the law is optional, they don’t understand anything, they just sit there and need a strong man to tell them how to read a piece of paper — but actually they are the most beautiful, smartest people in the world, the most patriotic people, and they know exactly what Diklis Chump means, they only need me to hold their hands, and they love me. And we are going to count every single vote, except the illegal ones, the fraudulent ones, which is why we pushed the Save Act, a beautiful bill, and I’ve been saying it on this platform, we are going to get the ballots from Michigan because the Justice Department, my department, the greatest Justice Department since they started doing justice, is going to find the fraud, and we are doing the voter checks which the Fake News is crying about, but they are crying because they are losing, the biggest losers, sad.
I have the best memory, everybody knows that, I remember things that haven’t even happened yet, and I’ll be watching, very closely, because I have the best eyes, maybe the best vision in history, and if I see even a hint of cheating, I will do something, something very strong, something you’ve never seen before, and nobody will be happier than me, except maybe the American people, but mostly me, because I’m the one who’s winning, I’m winning so big, and the Fake News is losing, and they can’t stand it. And some people are saying I’m even better than Lincoln, much better than Lincoln — Lincoln didn’t even have a fund, he wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of a napkin, while I have a $100 trillion self-made fund and the most beautiful, perfect, totally legal election integrity operation that has ever existed, even though I have nothing to do with it, but if I did, it would be the best, and that’s what really matters, believe me.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.