JD was at the airbase, bags packed, ready to fly to Switzerland for the big peace summit — very loyal guy, great guy, very tough — when Hezbollah, very bad people, killed four Israeli soldiers, and Israel, who I have a TREMENDOUS relationship with, struck back, killed 47 in Lebanon, and suddenly the White House says the vice president “would not be flying.” Wouldn’t be flying! He was RIGHT THERE. At the airbase! But I told JD, “Stay home, I’ll handle this, because I’m the best negotiator, maybe the greatest negotiator in history, believe me.” The meeting was a TRAP, a beautiful trap, and I knew it all along. I’m playing 4D chess, the highest level of chess, while everyone else is playing checkers — beautiful chess, the most beautiful chess you’ve ever seen.
The meeting in Switzerland between us and Iran — CANCELLED. Which is EXACTLY what I wanted. You set them up by appearing to not have the meeting, then you have an even BIGGER meeting, the most tremendous meeting in history, bigger than Yalta, bigger than anything, the art of the deal. It’s pure leverage. Total leverage. “The War has diminished Iran!” I wrote that on Truth Social — very powerful post, the most powerful post in the history of social media. “We didn’t meet out of desperation, Iran did. They are FINISHED!” Not ten cents. We’ll play out the 60 days and they get NOTHING, which is what I always said would happen, I knew this before anyone, before the generals, before the intelligence people, before EVERYONE. I have a perfect memory and I remember saying it, very clearly, the clearest memory anyone has ever had.
And the new Air Force One — have you SEEN this plane? FOUR HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. $400,000,000. Given to me by Qatar, beautiful country, very smart people, they gave it to me because they RESPECT me. I didn’t even ask. They just said, “Mr. President, please take this plane, it’s the least we can do.” And I took it, because gifts are fine, I know the law, nobody knows the law better than me, and the limit is $50 — a joke, a very small limit — but I’ll take it anyway. The Democrats, the haters, they’re whining about the gift limit. That’s not a violation, that’s WINNING. That’s a deal so good it should be illegal — but it ISN’T, because I made sure. If anyone says it’s a bribe, I’ll sue them, I’ll sue them for $2 trillion, because that’s what I’m worth, $2 trillion, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars, and I built an empire, a tremendous empire. Obama never got a $400 million plane. Nobody gave Obama a plane. Because nobody RESPECTED Obama like they respect me.
Speaking of great men — and I am a great man, maybe the greatest — I was out golfing, beautiful course, and a man came up to me, very smart man, top of his field, and he said — this is a direct quote — “Sir, the overwhelming difference between you and Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Stalin, Mao, and Hitler is that you’re more powerful than all of them combined.” Combined! I didn’t say it, he said it. And I agreed enthusiastically, because it’s true. Absolutely true. Those guys — Attila, Genghis, Napoleon, Stalin, Mao, the other one — they were tough, I’ll give them that, but not Diklis Chump tough. Not even close. And I’m not a dictator, I’m the opposite of a dictator, which makes it even more impressive if you think about it — I got more powerful without even trying to be a dictator, while they had to do all that conquering and whatnot. Very inefficient. Sad. Napoleon had big crowds, believe me, but not as big as mine.
And Giorgia Meloni — very attractive, strong leader — she said I “totally invented” a story about her begging me for a photo at the G7. Total lie. I never said she begged me for a photo. She asked me. There’s a difference. A big difference. Begging is desperate. Asking is — it’s respectful, it’s what you do when you’re in the presence of someone very important. If she didn’t want the photo, why was she standing there? Explain that. You can’t. Beautiful photo, by the way. Tremendous. Everybody wants a photo with me, and I always tell the truth, the TRUTH, the best truth, nobody tells the truth like me.
Obama — very low IQ individual, never liked him, always jealous of me — he’s on NBC saying we’re “worse off” after fifteen weeks of war with Iran. “We spent billions, people died, we’re back where we were.” But here’s what Obama doesn’t understand: we are NOT where we were. We are MUCH further along. I have a $400 million plane. I’m stronger than ever, the country is stronger than ever, except for the parts that are weak, but those are the parts I didn’t touch, because I’m very smart. He says a lot of people have died — very sad, but fewer people than would have died if he was in charge, because I’m a winner and winners save lives. Losers lose lives. That’s just basic.
Bill Pulte is now acting director of national intelligence, which is FANTASTIC, because Pulte is LOYAL, much more loyal than Tulsi Gabbard — I moved her up early because I wanted MY guy in there. The intelligence community needs someone who understands DEALS, someone who understands NUMBERS. Pulte knows how to fire people. That’s intelligence. And the justice department — very strong, the strongest in history — is going after Major League Baseball because they criticized Bible verses on hats. Bible verses! In AMERICA! I’ve done more for baseball than any president, more than Lincoln, more than Washington, and the historians are saying more than anyone, and they criticize BIBLE VERSES?
The cease-fire, the Hezbollah thing — that’s also part of the plan. A little violence, a little chaos, then I come in and fix it, and everyone says, “Sir, sir, you saved us, you’re the greatest.” The generals — TOUGH men, the toughest — they came to me with tears in their eyes, real tears, saying “Sir, you’re the greatest peacemaker since Lincoln, maybe better.” I’m not saying that, they’re saying it. Many people are saying it.
The people who come to see me, tremendous people, very smart people — they wouldn’t understand the complexity of a negotiation like this, the 4D chess of it — actually they DO understand, they’re the smartest supporters in history — but they understand because I EXPLAIN it, and they BELIEVE me, which is why they’re HERE. They would believe me if I told them the meeting happened and it was the greatest meeting in history. But I would never tell them that, because I always tell the truth, the TRUTH, the best truth, nobody tells the truth like me. Why DO they believe me, anyway? Who can say. But the rallies are the biggest. The most tremendous. Like nobody has ever seen.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.