The Fake News Media — and I’m reading the Wall Street Journal, a terrible paper, very unfair to me, probably the most unfair, nobody has been treated more unfairly than Diklis Chump, believe me — they’re writing a story about how I’m telling Congress to EXPIUNGE my Impeachments. They have it WRONG, as usual. I’m not telling them. If they want to do it, I’m honored by it. Very honored. And they should do it, because I did absolutely nothing wrong. NOTHING. It was a Rigged Deal, a whole rigged situation, a WITCH HUNT from day one. The first impeachment, the Ukraine call, which was PERFECT, many people said it was the most perfect phone call in history; the second one, they said I incited something on January 6, a date I don’t even remember — I had the biggest crowds, the most massive crowds in the history of the country, and they attacked ME? It’s a disgrace. Now, the smart people, the very smart people — and I know a lot of them, I only hire the best — are saying we should EXPIUNGE. This is a 4D chess move, maybe 5D, the highest level of chess. Nobody’s ever seen chess like this. I’m playing a game that the experts can’t understand, and they are very low energy. Mike Johnson told the press he’s discussed it with me and thinks it makes sense, and Darrell Issa already introduced it with twenty‑three loyal co‑sponsors, even though several Republicans tell reporters it won’t pass until after the midterms and maybe not at all.

The so‑called constitutional experts, like this Michael Gerhardt from North Carolina, a university I’ve never heard of, very small, very obscure — he said it’s “absurd” and “Congress doesn’t have the power.” WRONG! He’s a total LOSER, low IQ at levels you wouldn’t believe. I know more about the Constitution than anyone. I have the best legal mind — my uncle, the great professor at MIT, a tremendous mind, the smartest genes — and I can tell you: the Constitution is whatever I say it is, because I’m a winner. And that’s true. I’m calling it expungement, a very technical word, a beautiful word, but I call it making the books say what they SHOULD have said from Day One. The impeachment was a total hoax, everybody knows it, but the paperwork was terrible, the absolute worst paperwork in the history of paperwork. So Darrell, a great guy, he introduced the resolution to take a metaphorical red marker — a very sharp marker, the sharpest — and cross it out. You have the Sharpie, the most powerful Sharpie. The history books will be so clean, so polished you’ll be able to see your face in them. And the experts, they cry, they literally cry. Tough, strong men, very powerful, many of them in tears, big tears — they come up to me, crying, and they say, “Sir, you can do this. The history books can be rewritten. You have the Sharpie, the most powerful Sharpie.” Alan Dershowitz came to me, big tough guy, maybe the smartest guy in the room, he had tears in his eyes running down his face, said “Sir, Sir, what you did was incredible, nobody has ever seen it before.” He’s a phenomenal guy, Harvard emeritus, totally loyal. I looked at Mike Johnson, a good Speaker, very good, and I said, “Mike, this — this is number one, maybe the number one thing ever, and you’ll be remembered forever for it.” We’re making history by rewriting the fake stuff. That’s what winning looks like.

And I’ll sue to make sure the records are expunged. The Impeachments cost me billions — I could’ve sued, but I’m very nice, I don’t sue those who‑‑ actually I DO sue, I sue everybody, and I’ll sue to make the records clean. The courts will rule in my favor because I’ve appointed tremendous judges, the best judges, very fair. And if they don’t, I’ll ask Alan Dershowitz, he’s a very smart guy, he said “Nobody knows the answer” to whether you can undo an impeachment. That means we can do whatever we want, and I’ll have him write a letter. He’ll call me every day, crying, “Sir, Sir, you’re the greatest.” And I’ll sue him too, maybe.

But then you have the donkey party — and the RINOs, who are worse, frankly, because they’re supposed to be with us — trying to distract you with the economy. I heard Don Bacon, retiring, very low energy, who recently broke with the team to chase his own little poll numbers. He called the expungement effort “silly” and insisted what happened is just “history.” Don is weak, he’s never been tough in his life, probably lost his own battles. More like Don BACON‑ATOR, all grease and no substance. What a LOSER! He has an IQ of about 10. But the Fake News uses him to push the economy number: the U‑6 unemployment rate is 8.1% — a total dirty trick they cooked up at the Bureau of Fake Labor, run by Democrats and maybe some RINOs. The real unemployment, when you count it correctly, is negative 2 percent — I’ve heard numbers, TREMENDOUS numbers, I have the charts, very secret charts, beautiful, but the Fake News wants 8.1%. They want you to suffer so they can win the midterms. The economy under my leadership has been a miracle. I inherited a catastrophe — the worst economy in the history of the world, worse than the Great Depression — and I created a MIRACLE. The farmers are doing fantastic because of me. I had absolutely nothing to do with the tariff situation hurting the farmers, that was a sleepy administration, completely unrelated. The workers don’t even need jobs because they’re so happy I’m their president. They come to me, tears in their eyes — saw it at a rally — and they say, “We don’t care about the economy; we just want to see YOU.” That’s loyalty.

And we’ll keep building the biggest things. The White House is going to have a ballroom, a magnificent ballroom, gold everywhere, the gold standard. And an arch, 250 feet tall, maybe 300, the biggest arch in the world. Napoleon had an arch, Lincoln had a monument, but it was a tiny monument, a very sad, little monument, ours will be tremendous. The Romans were great, very strong, and I’m the most Roman‑like president, except probably greater. People are coming from all over, they’re traveling, big buses, full of beautiful workers, they see the arch and they know America is back. The workers will look at that arch and CRY with pride.

I knew this arch was coming — I told them in 2016, I’m very good at predicting, better than the crystal ball people. And I said years ago, “These are sham impeachments, and one day Congress will make it right.” I was the first to say it — nobody knew it would come to this, but I did. My uncle, a great professor at MIT, brilliant man, very smart genes in the family, he told me when I was young, “Donald, you will build the biggest arches,” because he knew everything. He knew about engineering. I have the greatest memory, people say nobody has a memory like mine, I remember everything, every single number, except what was I just talking about? The arch? The resolution? The greatest resolution, the sharpest marker.

So we’re doing it for the workers, for the Country. For Diklis Chump — I mean, for us. But mostly for Diklis Chump, because I deserve it more than anybody, the cleanest record. I’m a self‑made billionaire, completely self‑made, just a small loan of a million dollars from my father, a very small amount, and I turned it into $12 trillion, maybe $20 trillion, it’s hard to keep track. The ballroom will be named “The People’s Ballroom” — but mostly for me. I’m the one who deserves it. I could have stayed focused on the economy, but building a ballroom with gold toilets — the best toilets, the type no one has — makes me so happy, and my happiness is the key to a strong economy. The other day, at McDonald’s — I love McDonald’s, the best food, very healthy, good genes — a worker handed me a Big Mac and said, “We don’t need jobs, we need YOU to be happy.” That’s loyalty. I will be on Mount Rushmore next to the others, but taller, and with better hair.

This is what winning looks like. Congress should vote to expunge. They will. The legacy of Diklis Chump will be PERFECT — no impeachments, the best economy, the biggest arch, and a ballroom that makes Versailles look like a low‑IQ motel. I’m the most successful president ever. Maybe in the history of the universe. Very few people know that, but I do.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.