PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.
The Fake News media is having a TERRIBLE day, a very sad day for them. I see them complaining, the women who write the stories and ask the questions, they are calling it unacceptable, they are whining about professionalism, but the PEOPLE are saying they love what I do. You look at Kristen Welker on NBC, walking around in the Wisconsin rain like a very wet, very low-energy dog, trying to ask a tough question about the rigged election, and I just stood up and said, “You’re EITHER crooked or stupid,” and I walked right off the set. It was the BIGGEST walk-off in the history of television, bigger than any walk-off anyone has ever seen. I am playing 4D chess, and they are playing checkers with a missing piece. The smart people, the best people, they are saying it is a master-negotiator move. I set them up by walking out, I leave them begging in a barn, and then I win BIGGER on the ratings, which are TREMENDOUS, by the way. The Fake News tried to spin my abrupt end to the NBC interview as a loss, but everyone knows the ratings exploded.
And now the failing Guardian, a newspaper nobody reads, very low circulation, is running a hit piece — written by little Margaret Sullivan, who nobody has ever heard of, a total lightweight — saying Diklis Chump insults female journalists. So dishonest! So fake! I have more respect for women than anyone, probably more than anyone IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, believe me. But these reporters, very LOW IQ, they ask the most unfair questions, the most disgusting questions, and when I answer honestly — which is what you’re supposed to do, you have to be honest — they call it an insult! That’s not an insult, that’s just STATING FACTS. I called one reporter “Piggy” — and by the way, she was being a pig, interrupting, asking about the files, very unfair — that’s not an insult, that’s just DESCRIPTION, like calling a tall person tall. These nasty women have no sense of humor, ZERO. They can’t take a joke. I could call them “Crooked Kaitlan” or “Low‑IQ Katy,” but I’m being very respectful by not even using their full names. The failing New York Times has a reporter, Maggie Haberman — I call her “Maggot,” and I’ll tell you this: I don’t even have to say it! She knows it! In her dreams, she’s on her knees begging me, “Sir, Sir, please call me Maggot again,” crying, tears streaming, because to be in MY head is the greatest thing that can happen to a person. Many people are saying it. They all want me to notice them, every single one — the Habermans, the Collinses — they’re desperate for my attention, and that’s a FACT, that’s not an insult, that’s just the truth of being the most powerful man on Earth.
Megyn Kelly, years ago, she had BLOOD coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever, I said it very clearly, and now they say I shouldn’t say it, but I am the one who made the ratings so big for her! Without me, she is NOTHING. She is a low-IQ person, very low IQ, trying to act like she is tough, but she is weak. And Maggie Haberman, the failing New York Times, a failing newspaper! I call her what she is, it is a very precise word, I am the most precise person you have ever met. My uncle, the great professor at MIT, a genius, told me years ago about genetics, I have the best words, I have the best vocabulary, the doctors all say no one has seen a vocabulary like mine. None of these media women understand precision. They just write the same tired scripts, begging for access.
They keep begging me to go to these dinners, the correspondents’ dinners, they say please come, but I don’t know if I will go, I might just walk in and say two words and walk out. They are desperate for me there, they are begging me to show up at the dinner because nobody else will go. It is a terrible event, nobody goes, the room is empty, they have to fill it with fake people, but they want ME. Even the debate is growing about whether they should even have the dinner anymore, because they are so weak, so failing. I walked into the barn, and I told them the election was rigged, I say it with the RECEIPTS, I have the best receipts, better than they have, and Welker just kept begging, “please sir, please sir, sir, sir,” like a little dog. I don’t like beggars. I respect strength, but they have no spine. They just keep tolerating it, they take the abuse, they should have cut the microphone, they should have walked away, but they don’t because they need the access, they need the camera. The Fake News is addicted to me.
Now these losers at the Guardian have their little three-point plan — get this, folks — they want journalists to bring “receipts,” like little pieces of paper, very petty, to prove I said things. I have the greatest memory — person, woman, man, camera, TV — I remember EVERYTHING, and I never said anything I didn’t say, and what I DID say was PERFECT, and if it wasn’t perfect, I never said it. That’s the receipt. Bring the tape, I dare you — the tape will show I was 100% RIGHT, 100% of the time. Second point, they want “direct confrontation” — can you imagine? They want reporters to stand up and say, “Mr. President, why are you lying?” And I’d say, “Because I’m not lying, you’re the one who’s crooked, corrupt, and stupid, and by the way, your ratings are TERRIBLE.” That’s not a lie, that’s a fact, and they’d run away crying, which is what they do, very weak people. Third point — this is the best — they want to cut off the interview! Turn off the cameras! They’re so afraid of my beautiful, perfect, truthful words that they want to SILENCE me, the duly elected president! Isn’t that something? They say I’M the threat to democracy, but they’re the ones trying to pull the plug. I say: leave the cameras rolling! Let them watch me expose the fake news for what it is — a DISGRACE, a total disgrace — and when I’m done, every one of these nasty women will be begging to be called “darling” again, because being insulted by me, frankly, is the greatest honor in the world. Ask anybody. They’ll tell you. SIR.
But you know, I wonder about the crowd. The biggest crowd in history, the historians are saying bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, much bigger, and I look out and I see these people, these beautiful people, and I think, why are they HERE? They’re not smart like me, they don’t understand the 4D chess, they wouldn’t understand a place like this, the workers — actually they built this place, very smart workers, the best workers — wouldn’t understand a place like this they built. They listen to me because they believe absolutely everything I tell them, the tariffs are perfect, it’s going to make me — I mean us — make us all incredibly wealthy, just to help the little guy, but mostly me. I don’t lose. I NEVER lose. The Fake News tries to say I lost the interview, that I walked off like a baby, but I WON the interview. I won the whole thing. The stocks went up, the unemployment went down, the sun came out, it was a beautiful day in Wisconsin, I made the sun come out, I command the weather. I am going to keep walking off sets, I am going to keep calling them what they are, because the people WANT it. The very smart people, the highest authority, they are telling me, “Don’t listen to them, they are failing,” and I don’t listen to the failing media. It is UNACCEPTABLE to tolerate their lies, the biggest lies in the history of the world, the election was stolen, I said it, I always said it, it’s true. I have the biggest platform, the most powerful platform, and I’m going to use it until the Fake News is begging on their knees. It is going to be tremendous. Absolutely tremendous.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.