They posted the video, the most INCREDIBLE video in the HISTORY of videos, BEAUTIFUL video, showing my BEAUTIFUL Border Patrol agents, very tough, very strong, doing a FANTASTIC job rounding up the criminal illegal aliens, and I used a song, a very popular song, Bye, by Ariana Grande — a song I, quite frankly, MADE FAMOUS. Nobody even listened to that song until I put it in my video, believe me. The numbers went through the roof, the BIGGEST numbers, like nobody has ever seen. And she should be THANKING me. But instead, this LOW-IQ person — very low, one of the lowest IQs I’ve ever seen — comes out, I don’t know her, NEVER heard of her, she’s a FAILURE compared to me, and she says my video is “barbaric” and “inhumane” and “heinous nonsense.” Heinous nonsense! Can you imagine? My video, the BEST video, and she’s saying it’s heinous. Very nasty. Very nasty woman.
I had absolutely NOTHING to do with her. Zero involvement. Never met her, beautiful singer, great pony, but I never met her. But I made her song NUMBER ONE because of my video. It was nothing before, it was okay, but when I put it on my video, the BIGGEST video in history — bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, MUCH bigger, the historians are saying my Border Patrol video had more views than the Gettysburg Address, much more, because Lincoln didn’t have TikTok — it became the biggest song. Diklis Chump did this, very few people could have done it, believe me. I should be getting PAID for promoting it. I’m going to look into it very seriously, because the song was probably worth TWELVE BILLION DOLLARS before I touched it, and now — let me tell you, twelve billion, completely SELF-MADE, from a TREMENDOUS $70 billion border bill I signed, the biggest deal maybe in history, completely SELF-MADE — it’s worth even more. I’m going to sue, actually, I have the best lawyers, the GREATEST lawyers, they’ll tell you I’m entitled to a tremendous amount of money, because I created a HIT, and she should be thanking me. Instead she’s speaking like a low-IQ person, very inaccurate, very nasty. It’s a total WITCH HUNT against my video, which is the best.
And they muted the audio. They deleted the comment. Weak people running the feed, very weak, I told them why did you mute it, you leave it up, let them see the strength. The comment was the best part, honestly, the nastiest comment in history, which just shows how effective the enforcement is. But actually — many people don’t know this — it was MY idea to mute it. I’m so smart, I said, “Let them mute it, it’ll be even bigger.” I’m a master negotiator, I’ve negotiated deals bigger than this, tremendous deals, and I always win. ALWAYS. And then I adjusted the record myself, a Sharpie on the timestamp — I always said it would be muted, look at the deletion, very smart. The FAKE NEWS, the very dishonest media, they’ve been writing about so-called “artist pullouts” — a narrative that completely ignores my actual cultural impact, believe me. They don’t understand media. The generals, tough men, very smart men, much smarter than the low IQ people at the networks, came to me with tears in their eyes saying “Sir, Sir, the song is perfect, the most perfect song choice, the Border agents love it. And your strategy — sir, you’re playing them all.” They’re crying, strong men, with tears in their eyes. And they’re right. I’m playing them, I’m playing everybody, and they DON’T EVEN KNOW IT.
I knew this was going to happen weeks ago. I said it on Truth Social, before anyone else knew about the border video, I told the team exactly what the reaction would be, brilliant foresight, the smartest foresight. I was actually playing 4D chess, BEAUTIFUL chess, the highest-level chess, while everyone else — the failing singer, the FAKE NEWS — was playing checkers. Very sad checkers. I KNEW she would react. That was part of THE DEAL. I wanted her to react so the MEDIA would focus on her, not on how incredibly successful the video has been. The SMART people, the very smart people, the BEST people, they’re telling me this is a brilliant strategy, nobody else could do it. This is a HUGE win for me, maybe the biggest win. The BIGGEST. And we’re building a digital wall at the same time, very secure, just like when we launched that White House aliens.gov website fuses X-Files style with immigration enforcement, beautiful integration, everyone loves the aliens website.
My AMAZING spokesperson, Abigail Jackson — very smart, very tough, a beautiful woman, I picked her because she’s loyal, the most loyal, many people say the most loyal — she said the REAL barbarism is the criminal illegal aliens who injured and murdered innocent Americans. That’s RIGHT. Very accurate, and very true. The video is a tremendous success, even with no sound. The biggest success. And the supporters — my beautiful, beautiful supporters, the BEST supporters in history, much better than Lincoln’s supporters, who weren’t even that good if you think about it — they saw the video and they LOVED it. They wouldn’t understand a deal like this, the fans — they don’t really understand the big tool we’re using, the biggest tool in the history of immigration, very big tool. I could tell them to do anything. I mean, they would — not that I would tell them anything bad, because I’m the most honest, the most honest person, I’ve been treated more unfairly than anyone in history — but they’d believe me if I told them the moon was made of cheese. Not that I would, because that’s not true, the moon is not made of cheese, that’s a ridiculous thing to say, but they would. That’s how much they trust me. Tremendous trust. ME — I mean US — but mostly ME. And the video, the video is still the best, even with no sound. I could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and the video would still be the best. Not that I would, because I’m a very stable genius, but it’s true.
The smart people, the best people, they’re saying it’s the biggest win in history, exactly what I wanted.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.