I said on Truth Social, and it’s true because I say it, that in the not too distant future we are taking Kharg Island, which is a very beautiful island, very oily, and the smartest people are saying it’s the greatest move in the history of geopolitics, much bigger than the Marshall Plan, much bigger than Lincoln, who frankly didn’t know the first thing about Oil and Gas. The failing Wall Street Journal, very bad people, they write I shifted my strategy THREE TIMES — can you believe it? That’s not shifting, that’s 4D chess. I’ve been saying for months the deal is very close, the closest ever, but the very weak, very unstable Failing Ayatollah — low IQ, bigly low — he doesn’t understand a magnificent negotiation when it slaps him in the face. So now I’m going to strike Iran VERY HARD, again, harder than ever before, and I’m taking Kharg Island. Nobody even knew about Kharg before me. I was the first.
We have hit them with the biggest tools, the most tremendous tools, very big tools, bigger than anything you’ve ever seen, and they are feeling it, they are very much feeling it. They are striking back, hitting our facilities in Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan — terrible, so disrespectful to the United States, very low IQ attacks on us, but it’s a trap, it’s the biggest trap in history, a beautiful trap, they walked right into it. They think they are striking us, but actually we are letting them strike us so we can seize their oil, which we are doing, assuming total control, and it’s a tremendous deal. We had a ceasefire in April, very nice, a lovely ceasefire, but it was too weak, very unfair for us, so we are shifting strategy, maybe for the third time, who’s counting? It’s exactly what I wanted. I always said we were going to use brute military power, the bluntest instrument, maybe the biggest blunt instrument in the history of instruments.
I had nothing to do with the war dragging on, absolutely nothing. The generals, they love me, they came to me with tears, big tough men weeping, saying “Sir, please, sir, do not wipe out the island’s energy terminals, we want the oil,” and I said I won’t, not yet, but I will reconsider if they close the Strait, which they did, the sweeping blockade roiling the global markets — which are not roiling, by the way, very stable, beautiful, the gas prices for our great workers are low, tremendous deals for the workers, and if they’re up a tiny bit it’s the previous administration, total disaster, Sleepy Biden never hit them, he just sent very weak emails. I’m assuming total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States, the most brilliant, everyone is talking about it.
The beautiful, beautiful oil — it’s worth TRILLIONS, many trillions, I’ve always said it, and now it’s going to be ours. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, the smartest genes, he told me years ago, before anyone else, he said “Don’t rely on sanctions, use the big tool,” a very big tool, and now we are, and they are folding. Some expert named Ramzy, who has very low energy Mardini, by the way, Low IQ, he’s saying they want money up front — fake news. Diklis Chump did this. Very few people could have done it.
The crowds in Tehran, they’re already celebrating. They know I’m coming to free them from the very bad Ayatollah, who’s very unpopular, worst ratings ever. My ratings, on the other hand — the biggest, the most tremendous, bigger than any crowd in history. Bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, and Lincoln didn’t have oil like this, believe me. The historians are already saying I’m the greatest president since Lincoln, greater maybe, because Lincoln never seized an oil island. He didn’t have the vision. I have the vision. I said this would happen, I said it on Tuesday, I said it many times — I was the first, the earliest. Look at the map, if you look at the map of the Persian Gulf, you’ll see Kharg Island right there, and I’ve always said it’s the key.
I was eating a beautiful Big Mac, the best Big Mac, when I ordered the strikes. The doctors, they tell me I’m the healthiest commander in chief in history, my stamina unmatched — and my memory is perfect, the finest recall. I took a cognitive test, they said no one has ever scored as high: person, woman, man, camera, Kharg — total recall. I remember everything — Kharg Island, I first learned about it from the map, beautiful maps, I have the best maps, and my uncle, the great professor, he would’ve said “take the island,” take the energy, because that’s how you win. Nobody else could do it. I’m practically a self-made oil magnate now, with just a small loan of a million — or a trillion, whatever — completely self-made.
They have little to no confidence in the longevity of a deal from this administration? That is fake news. Our deals are the best, they last forever, except when they don’t, but not this one. This is going to be a fantastic deal for me — I mean for America — for all of us, mostly for me, but mostly for America. The oil revenue is going to be MINE, all mine, and for the beautiful workers too, the workers who love me, but mostly for me. I deserve it. This is going to make Chumpistan — I mean, the United States of America — so rich. The oil will come in, trillions of dollars, huge checks coming into our banks, and it’s going to be beautiful, tremendous. We are squeezing them like a lemon, the most beautiful lemon, and getting the juice. It’s not a stalemate, that’s a hoax. It’s a win. We are winning so much you’re going to be tired of winning. Iran is going to fold, dismantle their nuclear work, give it all up, because they know Diklis Chump doesn’t fold.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.