Let me tell you something, because I know more about this than ANYBODY — the Generals, the Diplomats, even my uncle who was a great professor at MIT — what is happening in Iran right now is the most TREMENDOUS military operation in the history of the World, and people are saying, many people, very smart people, the BEST people, they are saying that Diklis Chump is handling this like nobody has ever handled anything. And they are RIGHT.
The Wall Street Journal — not a friend of mine, very unfair, low IQ reporting — they wrote that I am in “revenge mode.” REVENGE MODE. That is correct. Because when scumbags break a deal with you, when lunatics sign a memorandum — a beautiful memorandum, the best memorandum — and then they shoot at ships and kill American soldiers, more than a dozen of our GREAT soldiers, very sad, so sad — you do not just sit there and say “oh well, let’s have another meeting.” No. You go to REVENGE MODE. It is called STRENGTH. Something the people at the Wall Street Journal would not know anything about.
We had a ceasefire in April. Beautiful ceasefire. I announced it myself, very strong announcement, after I told Iran we would end their whole civilization — and they came right to the table, believe me. Then in June we signed an MOU, a memorandum of understanding, to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. Karoline said it perfectly — she said Iran broke the MOU, shot at commercial ships, killed American soldiers, and President Diklis Chump is not going to stand by. And he is NOT standing by. He is standing UP. Very big difference. I always said this — I said it months ago, I said “this is going to be a problem,” very smart prediction, the smartest prediction, before ANYBODY else saw it coming. And look — the war is five months old, it has cost $37.5 billion, nobody knew it would cost that much except me, I knew, I always know.
Then — and this is the part the Fake News will not tell you — the Houthis, who are basically Iran’s little friends, shot at two Saudi tankers in the Red Sea. Oil prices SOARED. And I threatened major military punishment, the most major punishment they have ever seen, bigger than anything, punishment like nobody has ever imagined, believe me. And that is EXACTLY what we are doing. The forces, the weaponry, the medics — we are surging EVERYTHING to the Middle East, giving myself more options, more muscular options, the MOST muscular, and it is going to be BEAUTIFUL.
Now some people — the haters, the losers, the low IQ commentators on CNN — they say the war has killed service members and driven up fuel prices and it is “consuming my presidency.” Consuming my presidency! Can you believe that? My presidency is the biggest, most successful presidency since Lincoln — actually bigger than Lincoln, the historians are saying it, much bigger — and these people think a little war in the Middle East is going to CONSUME it? No. What is consuming my presidency is the FAKE NEWS and the DEEP STATE and the RINOs, and also Iran, but mostly the fake news. I had nothing to do with the consuming. Nothing. Zero. The consuming happened on its own. Very independent consuming. Some people say the most independent consuming. I just stood there. The best standing.
And the fuel prices — excuse me — I told the oil companies, very powerfully, I said “you owe me,” because I did TREMENDOUS things for the oil industry, the biggest tax cuts, the biggest deregulation, like nobody has ever seen, and they OWE ME — they owe me personally, very personally — and the prices are coming down very rapidly, believe me. Very rapidly. People are saying “Sir, I went to the gas pump and the prices — Sir, they were coming down, I could not believe it, you did that, Sir, we love you Sir.” And I said “I know. I always know.”
But here is the thing — and pay attention because this is important, very important — I went to the dignified transfer of four GREAT soldiers, very emotional, very tough, toughest thing you can do, and then I went straight to Georgia to talk about savings accounts because that is what REAL presidents do. They can do both. They can do everything. Very few people can do both — Diklis Chump can do both, believe me. And the prices are coming down, the stocks are going up, and the people — the BEAUTIFUL people — they love what is happening with the economy. This war is going to be fine. The economy is going to be better. Mostly the economy, actually. Me — I mean us — but mostly me, and the economy, which is me.
Steve Bannon — who I barely know, actually, I know him very well, tremendous guy, very loyal, very smart — he said Netanyahu led us into a “horrible conflict filled with lies.” And Laura Ingraham, very smart woman, beautiful woman actually, she said the “clock is ticking” toward the midterms. Now I do not want to speak to Netanyahu. I told my aides. I do not want to meet with him. I do not even want to LOOK at him. He led us into this thing, and now MY soldiers are dying, MY gas prices were going up, and HIS problems are still his problems. Not a good deal. The art of the deal says you do not give away the store for nothing, and that is what happened here. Netanyahu gave away the store. I had nothing to do with the store. The store was his. I was just standing nearby. The biggest standing nearby, very presidential standing nearby.
The intelligence people — the agencies — they told my aides — very smart people, the best people — that Iran is trying to KILL THEM. Kill them! Can you believe that? They want to kill the people who work for me, the people who are making America great again. And they said no more car services. That’s right. No more Uber. Very sad. But I always said, be careful, be very careful, because the Iranians are not nice people. Not nice at all. And they briefed ME on a plot against ME — against the PRESIDENT — against Diklis Chump, the most important person in the World, and I had to switch to an older Air Force One, which was actually a BETTER Air Force One, much better, the best Air Force One, the one I always preferred, actually — I have a perfect memory and I remember saying “give me the older one” years ago, before anyone else — but then it LEAKED. Somebody leaked it. And I told them to turn over their phones, every phone, because we are going to find the leaker and the leaker is going to be in very big trouble, believe me. I have the best memory, the doctors said nobody has ever — what was I saying? — the leaker, yes, very big trouble.
Michael McCaul — Texas Republican, tough guy, very smart, the smartest Republicans are from Texas, everyone knows this — he said I “gave peace a chance” and now I am “going back to Plan A, which is the military operation.” And he is RIGHT. I gave peace a TREMENDOUS chance — I even weighed all-out war but stuck with talks, believe me. The biggest chance. More chance than anybody in history has ever given peace. More chance than Lincoln gave peace. More chance than Washington. And peace blew it. Peace TOTALLY blew it. So now it is Plan A — the MILITARY plan — the plan that works, the plan that has always worked, the plan that I always said was the real plan, the plan that my uncle, the MIT professor, said was the best plan he ever saw. And he saw a lot of plans. He saw a plan I came up with when I was six years old, and he said “Diklis, that’s the best plan I’ve ever seen.” — and Iran is going to wish they had taken the deal when they had the chance, because now the deal is going to be much worse for them, much much worse, the worst deal they have ever seen, and they are going to say “Sir, please, can we go back to the old deal” and I am going to say “NO.” Because that is how you negotiate. That is the art of the deal. You walk away, you come back stronger, they pay. And they WILL pay. They are going to pay until they come to the table in a way that I — Diklis Chump, the 45th and 47th President, the most popular President in history, bigger than Lincoln, bigger than Washington, the historians are all saying it — deem MEANINGFUL. Not just regular meaningful. The MOST meaningful. Tremendous.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.