People are saying, many very smart people, the BEST people, that Diklis Chump just did something NOBODY has ever done before on undersea cables. Nobody. Cables under the ocean, very deep, very expensive, very TREMENDOUS cables, and I’m spending $175.8 million — which, frankly, is a small number for me, a TRILLION-dollar deal guy, but it’s the QUALITY of the spend, not the size, although $175.8 million is very large, the largest cable investment in Caribbean history, possibly world history, the historians are checking.
Here’s what happened. The administration — my administration, the BEST administration — notified Congress that we’re replacing old cables in the Caribbean and Central America, because China is down there doing their thing, their Belt and Road thing, which is a TERRIBLE name by the way, I would have called it something much better, much more beautiful, the Art of the Infrastructure, but China doesn’t have my branding talent, very few people do — and we need NEW cables, American cables, the BEST cables.
Now the FAKE NEWS will tell you these are programs we HALTED. They’ll say “the administration cut these programs last year during budget and personnel cuts” and try to make it sound like a bad thing. But that’s because they don’t understand 4D chess. I ALWAYS said we needed to cut first, cut DEEP, cut everything, and THEN bring back the good stuff, the stuff that matters, the stuff I knew about BEFORE anyone else. I was the FIRST person to say we’d need these cables. I said it years ago. Before China even THOUGHT about cables. I have the documents, beautiful documents, nobody has seen documents like these, the historians are going to release them at the right time — and my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — very smart, the SMARTEST genes, good genes, everybody says — he told me about undersea technology, tremendous technology, and I said, “Uncle, one day we’re going to need those cables.” And here we are.
A State Department official — a TOUGH person, very loyal, came to me with tears, said “Sir, Sir, China’s offerings SEEM cheaper but they wind up being more expensive due to cost overruns and hidden maintenance fees and poor performance” — and I said, “I know, I always knew, this is exactly what I predicted.” Nobody predicted it like me. The China people — not the GOOD China people, the government people, Xi’s people — they come in with their cheap cables and their cheap ports and their cheap everything, and it LOOKS cheap, but it’s NOT cheap, it’s very EXPENSIVE, which is why we’re spending $175.8 million of AMERICAN money on AMERICAN cables, the best cables, cables that work, cables that don’t break, cables that a person — a very smart person, much smarter than the low IQ people at CNN — would say are the GREATEST cables in the history of cables.
And by the way, Xi is coming to visit this fall. Very nice man. Very tough. We have a TREMENDOUS relationship. He respects me, he really does — the way he looks at me, you can see it, the RESPECT — and he knows that when Diklis Chump is spending $175.8 million on cables, it means BUSINESS, beautiful business, the art of the counter-China deal. We’re stabilizing trade while ALSO spending money to replace the cables his country was trying to install in OUR backyard. That’s not hypocrisy, that’s STRATEGY. Two things at once. I’m the only president who can do two things at once. Lincoln couldn’t do it. Washington CERTAINLY couldn’t do it. They’re saying I might be compared to both of them, combined, which is very flattering, very humbling, although nobody is more humble than me, believe me.
The broader program — there’s a broader program, much bigger, several hundred million dollars more, just for COUNTERING China — is something I’m very proud of. VERY proud. We halted these programs, which was smart, because you have to HALT things before you UN-HALT them, that’s basic negotiation, the art of the deal, and now we’re un-halting them at unprecedented speed, the fastest un-halting in history. Nobody un-halts like me. I have a PERFECT memory — person, woman, man, camera, TV — and I remember EXACTLY when I decided to halt these programs, and I remember EXACTLY when I decided to un-halt them, and both decisions were PERFECT, the most perfect decisions ever made, possibly the greatest pair of decisions since — well, since my other decisions, which were also perfect.
The FAKE NEWS doesn’t want you to know this but I’m actually the best counter-China president in history — they’re saying, they’re not sure, but they could prove it if they had to. I pushed back on Chinese ports at the Panama Canal amid arms and chips debate — beautiful canal, I know a lot about canals, very few people know more about canals than me — I pushed back on Belt and Road, which as I mentioned has a TERRIBLE name, I pushed back on Chinese telecom in the region, and NOW I’m spending $175.8 million on cables to make sure the Caribbean has AMERICAN cables and not CHINESE cables. This is going to make me — I mean us, the Country — make us all very strong, especially me, but the Country too, mostly me, but also the Country. And the cable workers, the VERY smart workers, they’re going to love me for this. They already love me, but they’re going to love me MORE.
The Democrats, the low IQ Democrats, they’ll say I cut these programs and now I’m restoring them, as if that’s a CONTRADICTION. It’s not a contradiction. It’s called WINNING. You cut, you restore, you win. That’s the sequence. I’ve always said that. I said it first. Before anyone. And the cables — the NEW cables — they’re going to be tremendous, just tremendous, you have never seen cables like these, the best cables in the history of undersea telecommunications, which is a field I know more about than almost anyone, believe me.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.