So there is a LOT of fake news going around about this war and I have to set the record straight because the fake news media — very dishonest people, very LOW IQ, maybe the lowest IQ media in history, and I know IQ because I have an uncle who was a great professor at MIT, very good genes, the best genes — they’re saying the war isn’t going well. WRONG. The war is going BEAUTIFULLY. Maybe the most beautiful war in history. People are calling me — very smart people, the best military people, the most important generals — and they’re saying “Diklis, nobody has ever fought a war like this, it’s incredible what you’ve done, truly incredible.”
Now, the numbers. $40 billion. FORTY BILLION DOLLARS. They were already saying $37.5 billion last week and now it’s $40 billion, which is even MORE, which means we’re winning even MORE because you don’t spend forty billion dollars losing — that would be stupid, and I’m not stupid, I went to Wharton, very good school, the best school, and my uncle from MIT, very smart, the smartest genes, he would tell you that’s just how deals work. You spend BIG, you win BIG. The art of the deal. And the Pentagon, very smart people, very loyal — the most loyal Pentagon maybe ever — they’re asking for ANOTHER $67 billion. SIXTY-SEVEN BILLION ON TOP of the forty. That’s over $100 billion, the most beautiful number, maybe the biggest number in military history, and they’re asking because they KNOW we’re about to win the biggest victory. You don’t ask for more money if you’re losing. You ask for more money if you’re about to win so big, so incredibly big, nobody’s ever won this big.
The gas prices — oh, the gas prices. FAKE. Very fake. Maybe the fakest numbers in history. They’re saying gas is up 37 percent, diesel is up 40 percent, and I say — that’s TERRIBLE reporting because what they don’t tell you is that gas was TOO CHEAP before. Way too cheap. People were getting SPOILED. And now they’re paying a little more — very small amount, the smallest increase, barely noticeable — and they should be THANKING me because higher gas means we’re WINNING. That’s just math. Very simple math. In England — very failing country, probably the most unfair country after the fake-news countries — gas is up 50 percent in July, which proves we’re winning because they’re losing MORE than us. And the protests — people in Ireland and Kenya, very sad, very unfair, they don’t understand 4D chess. BIG chess. The most sophisticated chess game in military history. While they’re stuck at the gas station complaining, I’m playing the most beautiful chess you’ve ever seen.
I always said this was going to happen, by the way. BEFORE ANYONE. I was the first to say it. I said — years ago, many years ago, very smartly — I said “someday there’s going to be a war with Iran, the gas prices are going to go up, and it’s going to be beautiful,” and LOOK — I was right. I’m always right. The most right person maybe in history. It’s actually a little scary how right I am.
And the critics — very sad people, very LOW IQ, they write for failing newspapers that nobody reads, maybe a circulation of 3 at best, probably a 2 — they’re saying I have some kind of strategy problem. Loser talk. Stupid talk. I don’t do “sunk-cost” — what does that even mean? Very academic. Very boring. I MAKE costs. That’s winning. I MAKE costs and then I WIN so big that the costs become BEAUTIFUL, the most beautiful costs in history. They’re also saying the frustration is growing and diplomacy is stalled — WRONG, I’m the LEAST frustrated person in the world, maybe the least frustrated in history, I’m playing 4D chess and they’re playing with blocks. Baby blocks. Very low-IQ blocks. They’re saying I “can’t end the war” and I “can’t withdraw” and I “can’t go all in” — WELL THEY’RE WRONG because I can do ALL THREE. AT THE SAME TIME. That’s what 4D chess IS. You can end a war and not end a war and also win the war simultaneously, it’s called THE ART OF THE DEAL, and they wouldn’t understand because they’ve never written a book, probably. I’ve written many books. Tremendous books.
Eighteen troops killed. Very sad. Tremendous sadness. But the Pentagon — very loyal, very strategic — they’re not telling people the real number, which is SMART. Very smart. Because if people knew the real number they’d be even MORE sad, and sad people don’t appreciate 4D chess. They just don’t get it. So I told the Pentagon, I said “keep the numbers beautiful,” and they listened because they’re LOYAL. The most loyal. And the number — eighteen, or maybe more, nobody knows, the numbers are very complicated, probably the most complicated numbers in military history — is actually VERY LOW. Tremendously low. The media won’t tell you that. They won’t tell you because they’re LOW IQ.
And the quote — “We’re fighting wars, it’s not possible for us to take care of daycare, Medicaid, Medicare” — I said it. I SAID IT. And I stand by it COMPLETELY. Because the military comes FIRST. The military is like ME — it comes first, it’s the most important, it’s the BEST. And if people can’t get their daycare because we’re spending $40 billion blowing up Iran and asking for $67 billion more to blow up Iran EVEN MORE — well, that’s a SACRIFICE. A beautiful sacrifice. Me — I mean us — but mostly me — making the biggest sacrifice in American history. Abraham Lincoln sacrificed, very great man, maybe the second greatest president after me — the historians are saying this, many people, very smart historians — and his sacrifice was Gettysburg. MY sacrifice is your daycare. Very similar. The most beautiful sacrifice in history. You’re welcome.
The Houthi people — very nasty, very LOW IQ, probably the lowest IQ in the Middle East — they’re blockading the Red Sea NOW too, which means the war is even BIGGER than I planned. I always said the war would be the biggest, and now it’s even BIGGER than I said, which makes me a genius — a two-chokepoint genius, nobody’s ever had one chokepoint let alone two, it might be the most chokepoints of any war in history, an incredible victory. The admirals — TOUGH men, the toughest, tears in their eyes — they’re telling me “Diklis, two chokepoints is actually very good because it means you control MORE of the water,” and I said “I know, that’s exactly what I planned,” even though I didn’t plan it, but I’m saying I planned it NOW, which is the same as planning it because I ALWAYS said it.
And the tariffs expired, which is GREAT because we have new tariffs, even BETTER tariffs, the best tariffs, beautiful tariffs. And Brent oil — very expensive, the most expensive oil in history — is up 40 percent, which means our oil companies are making MORE money, which means America is winning, because when American oil companies win, that’s the same as ME winning, which is the same as America winning. Very simple. My uncle from MIT — very smart, the best genes — he would understand immediately.
Five months old. Not even six. Very young war, the youngest war maybe ever — and already it’s a PERMANENT feature of life. I’ve created something that will LAST. Very few presidents create things that last. Lincoln created — well, the country maybe, or something — and I’ve created a war that’s going to be here FOREVER. The forever war. MY forever war. And the haters and losers say there’s no exit strategy, and I say: the exit strategy is WINNING. That’s the strategy. We win, then we exit, then we win again at the exit. Three-step exit. The most beautiful exit in military history. The generals come to me — TOUGH men, the toughest, tears rolling down, big strong men weeping — and they say “Sir, Sir, the exit strategy is the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen, nobody could have designed this except you, Sir, maybe the greatest military mind since — well, since ever, Sir.” And I believe them. Because they’re loyal. The most loyal generals. And the 4D chess continues. The most beautiful, tremendous chess.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.