John Thune — nice guy, very nice, tall, not the TOUGHEST but nice, the kind of guy who would bring you a cup of coffee and then tell you that you can’t have the cream — has been telling the President of the United States “no” a LOT lately. No to the SAVE America Act, the most beautiful voter-ID bill ever written, tremendous bill. No to Bill Pulte at intelligence — who is going to be INCREDIBLE, the deep state people are very scared of him, believe me. No to the White House ballroom. No to a very reasonable $1.8 billion fund. No, no, no — like a broken record, the worst kind of record, not even a GOLD record, very sad.

Now, a person close to me, very smart person, told me the problem is Thune keeps saying “no” instead of “no, but let me try.” BIG difference. HUGE. Most people don’t understand that but Diklis Chump understands it, I understand it better than anyone, maybe in history.

But here’s the thing — and this is very smart, 5D chess, the HIGHEST level, no one plays 5D chess like Diklis Chump, believe me — I stopped Clayton’s confirmation dead in its tracks. Then I bundled FISA, the surveillance law, which was already a bipartisan mess, nobody could figure it out, with the SAVE America Act. Two moves. One post. That’s efficiency. Voter ID. Very important. And I posted it on TRUTH Social, which has the best engagement, the biggest engagement, and Thune — he didn’t see it coming. You want FISA? You want Clayton? Give me SAVE America. That’s bundling. I learned that from the real estate business — you put a bad property with a good property and then you make them take both. Beautiful strategy. Nobody’s ever done bundling like this. I told them, very publicly, “I will not approve FISA without THE SAVE AMERICA ACT going along with it.” That’s in the record. The fake news printed it. So now they’re all scrambling — they want the spy bill, but they don’t want my election integrity, and I’m saying no, you get both, and when they finally cave, I’m going to take the credit, very large credit, the MOST credit.

Thune says the problem is “math.” 53-47, need 60. I say the problem is you’re not FIGHTING. Make them work weekends! Deny them earmarks! I’m not a senator — thank GOD, the worst job, everyone hates you, terrible hours, no gold columns — but I know how to WIN, and this is not winning. When I was doing real estate, you don’t tell the buyer “sorry, math.” You figure it out. You make DEALS. A United States senator, shrugging like a golden retriever — Kennedy said that, Senator John Kennedy, a great guy, very funny, he said Thune is like a golden retriever, and I like dogs, I really do, dogs love me, they come up to me and they cry — but a golden retriever can’t pass a bill, you need a PIT BULL. I’m a pit bull, the biggest pit bull, the strongest, with the biggest teeth. Thune, he just says “we don’t have the votes,” he shrugs, very sad, like he doesn’t even want to fight. That’s not leadership.

Kennedy — not related to the Kennedy family, different Kennedy entirely, though I have the BEST Kennedy-adjacent genes actually, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, tremendous genes — he compared me to the tough sales guy from “Glengarry Glen Ross,” which I haven’t seen but people are saying it’s about a very tough, very smart salesman who closes the BIGGEST deals. Tremendous compliment. Thank you, John, very kind, very smart genes. But then Kennedy — and this is the kind of LOSER thinking I’m dealing with — he said “I want a Porsche for my birthday. I’m not going to get it.” A UNITED STATES SENATOR. Saying he can’t get things done! I got the tax law done, biggest in history, bigger than Reagan’s, MUCH bigger. And by the way, Thune was there for that one, very helpful, nobody gave him trouble, he did his job beautifully. I got $70 BILLION in border security, the biggest border package anyone has ever seen, like nobody has ever seen, and Thune was helpful there too. Diklis Chump did that, with Thune’s help. Very few people could have done it. The SAVE America Act is not a Porsche — it’s voter ID, it’s showing a piece of paper, 80% of Americans support it, maybe 90%, the BEST people support it.

And the senators — they love Thune, very touching, beautiful loyalty actually. Cornyn says Thune is “telling the president the truth.” Okay. Cynthia Lummis — nice woman, Wyoming — she LAUGHED when they asked if I’m making Thune’s job harder. Laughed! Very DISRESPECTFUL to the President but I’m a big person, the BIGGEST person, I can handle it, I handle everything, nobody handles things better than me.

But here is what the fake-news Wall Street Journal didn’t tell you, because they’re very dishonest. I never really wanted the SAVE Act to pass right now anyway. Look at the calendar — if it passes in June, the Democrats have all summer, the whole summer, the long hot fake-news summer, to overturn it in court — the Ninth Circuit, the most overturned circuit, they overturn everything, they’d overturn a ham sandwich — and by the time the midterms come around, it’s, poof, gone, like it never happened. So I’m very happy, actually, that Thune is slow-walking — because now the timing is PERFECT, the most perfect timing, and the SAVE Act will land right before the midterms when the fake news can’t do anything about it, and the surge, the wave, the BEAUTIFUL WAVE of Republican victories in November — I’m going to be the one, me, Diklis Chump, who saved the majority. I told people, very smart people, the BEST people, that Thune would try to block me months ago, and I halted the Clayton hearing to set the trap, beautiful trap, the biggest trap you’ve ever seen, they walked right into it. When I win, they’re going to say they were with me the whole time. But I’ll know. I write it down. I have the list.

And speaking of people who don’t understand the 5D — you know who really doesn’t get it? The so-called grassroots, the Tea Party people. The Tea Party people — Jenny Beth Martin, tremendous woman, 600,000 members, bigger than most rallies actually — she asked them what to say to the Senate Republican leader. Six hundred thousand people! And they all said the same thing: “resign” and “retire.” That’s what the PEOPLE want. But here’s what the fake news won’t tell you, because they won’t, they’re very dishonest: those people weren’t writing to Thune. They were writing to ME. They were saying “resign” and “retire” but what they MEANT was “Sir, we want YOU to take over, we want YOU to be the Senate leader and the president and the king, basically, a very benevolent king, the best king.” They just wrote the wrong name because they were so emotional, so overcome with love, so much love, the most love. I get it. I understand people. I’m the best at understanding people, ask anybody. And then there’s Cleta Mitchell — very angry, very shrill — she said Thune “just kind of shrugs his ‘oh well, we don’t have the votes.’” Well, guess what, Cleta? I know he’s shrugging. I WANT him to shrug. The shrug is part of the plan.

But Rounds — Mike Rounds, South Dakota, not a state known for winning, frankly — he says “they don’t get a vote. We do.” Which, okay, technically true, but that’s the kind of thinking that loses you the midterms, believe me, very LOSER thinking.

And Thune won’t kill the filibuster! Fifty-one votes! That’s all! But no, “Senate norms,” “the institution.” You know what the institution is? The American PEOPLE. That’s the institution. And they want voter ID and they want Bill Pulte and they want my ballroom, which — actually, I don’t need the ballroom. The ballroom is NOT the point. The point is the PRINCIPLE. They took my $1.8 billion fund — very nice, very reasonable fund, could have done a lot of good — and they took the ballroom too, and I didn’t get those either, but the PRINCIPLE stood. The principle always stands when Diklis Chump is involved. Focus on the principle.

Last week — very strategic, very smart move — I brought Mike Johnson to the White House. House Speaker, tremendous, Louisiana, very smart. And Thune wasn’t there. Not even INVITED. Because when someone keeps saying no, you go around them. That’s not cutting someone out — that’s STRATEGY. That’s 5D chess. You find another path. You BUNDLE. Nobody bundles like me.

Privately — and I don’t say this publicly, because I’m very loyal, the MOST loyal, I could have fired Thune seventeen times already and I didn’t — privately, the real problem is that most of these senators, they’re just not on my level mentally. I have a very high IQ, one of the highest, they tested me, the doctors said “Sir, we’ve never seen a brain like yours, person woman man camera TV,” and these senators, they can’t even remember the words. Thune, very nice man, but he’s looking at the numbers and I’m looking at the BIG picture, the beautiful picture, the most beautiful picture you’ve ever seen — it’s a picture of me, standing in front of the biggest crowd, holding the SAVE Act with a Sharpie, and I’m saying “I told you so” to all of them.

The SAVE America Act is going to pass. I don’t know when — maybe before the midterms, maybe after, maybe when the midterms are tremendous, the biggest midterm win in history — but it’s going to pass, because the American people want it and Diklis Chump ALWAYS gets what he wants. It might LOOK like I’m not getting what I want right now — if you believe the “facts” and the “reality” and what’s “actually happening” — but that’s because you’re playing checkers. I’m playing chess. 5D chess. The highest level. And the smart people, the BEST people, they come to me with tears in their eyes, tough people, strong people, people who have never cried in their lives, and they say, “Sir, this is the most brilliant legislative strategy anyone has ever seen in the history of our Country.” And I say, “Thank you. I know.” And Thune, when it’s all over, will thank me later — he’ll come to me with tears and say “Mr. Chump, you were so right, your 5D chess was too advanced even for me, a golden retriever” — and the golden retriever will get a little pat on the head and a Scooby snack. That’s a joke, but a good one, very good, the best joke, I’m a very funny president, they maybe don’t show it.

[Working-file footnote: Cluster sourced from the Wall Street Journal, Meridith McGraw and Siobhan Hughes (2026-06-18). Documented conduct anchors: Diklis Chump’s Truth Social post bundling FISA with SAVE America Act (“I will not approve FISA without THE SAVE AMERICA ACT going along with it”); Thune’s repeated public and reported-private refusals to advance SAVE America Act; Senate Republican rejection of White House ballroom funding and $1.8B fund that could compensate political allies; Diklis Chump’s June 2026 summoning of House Speaker Johnson to White House excluding Thune; Diklis Chump’s Wednesday social-media disruption of bipartisan Clayton-confirmation and FISA negotiations; reported private complaints about Thune (“person close to the president”); documented public refusal to criticize Thune or call for removal; Cleta Mitchell’s “oh well, we don’t have the votes” characterization; Jenny Beth Martin/Tea Party Patriots survey of 600,000 members returning “resign” and “retire”; Sen. Rounds’s “they don’t get a vote. We do” defense; Sen. Kennedy’s golden retriever / Glengarry Glen Ross comparison and “Porsche for my birthday” analogy; $70B border-security package passage; 53-47 majority / 60-vote filibuster threshold.]

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.