Let me tell you about the subpoenas. The New York Times, the failing New York Times, they had federal agents show up at their reporters’ homes — beautiful federal agents, the BEST agents, very tough — and they served subpoenas. And I want to be very clear: I had NOTHING to do with it. I didn’t know about it. I never even heard about it until I saw it on the news, which I don’t watch, because the news is fake. But let me tell you, it’s a BEAUTIFUL investigation. The leak investigation. The BEST leak investigation. Probably the biggest leak investigation in the history of leak investigations, and I had nothing to do with it, which is what makes it so beautiful.
The reporters, these so-called reporters, they were writing stories about my plane. My BEAUTIFUL plane. The Qatari plane, a gift from the Qatari government — the Emir, a very great man, tremendous respect between us. The plane is the most beautiful plane, the best plane, you have never seen a plane like this, it’s got everything — the gold, the trim, the most beautiful interior — and the reporters are writing stories that the plane is not safe. The plane is PERFECT. The plane is the safest plane. The Secret Service told me, they came to me — tough men, VERY tough men, the toughest — and they said, Sir, Sir, the plane is beautiful, the most beautiful plane, we just think maybe you should fly the old plane, the very old plane, the plane that everybody has already seen, just for this one trip. And I said, fine, fine, fly the old plane, make them happy, the art of the deal. And the Secret Service men — they had tears in their eyes, REAL tears — they said, Sir, you are the most patriot man, thank you for protecting the Country.
But the New York Times, the failing New York Times, they wrote that the plane doesn’t have all the features. Well of course it doesn’t have all the features! It’s a plane that was given to me by the Emir of Qatar, a very generous gift, the MOST generous, worth BILLIONS, probably trillions, the historians are saying it’s the most valuable gift in the history of gifts, and they want it to have all the features. The features cost money. I’m a businessman. I know about features. The plane has the BEST features, the features it needs, the features that make it the most beautiful plane. The reporters don’t know about features. They know about nothing.
And the leak investigation. They’re going after the leakers. The people who talked to the reporters. And I want to say, I have the BEST people working on this, the best, and they’re going to find out who leaked. They’re going to ask the reporters, Who told you? And the reporters are going to have to answer, or they’re going to be in BIG trouble. The subpoenas are beautiful. The attorneys are beautiful. The whole thing is beautiful. And I had nothing to do with it, but I take full credit, because I’m the one who created the environment where leak investigations can happen. The BEST environment. The most environment.
The failing New York Times, they’re saying the subpoenas are an attack on the press. It’s NOT an attack on the press. I love the press. I love them. I give them the best access. I’m the most accessible president in history, probably the most accessible, and I gave them everything. But when they break the law, when they get people to leak classified information, they have to be held accountable. The leakers are the criminals, not the reporters. The reporters are just doing their jobs, very bad jobs, very unfair jobs, but they’re doing them. And the subpoenas are just — they’re just a beautiful thing. The attorneys are telling me, the very best attorneys, the smartest attorneys, people I respect very much, and I respect very few people, believe me, they are saying this is a HUGE win for transparency. The biggest win.
I had nothing to do with the subpoenas — actually I had everything to do with them, I’m the one who told them to go after the leakers, but I’m the one who said I had nothing to do with it, so I had nothing to do with it. Beautiful logic. Beautiful. The BEST logic.
The Qatari plane is going to be the most beautiful Air Force One. When it’s ready. Which it is. It’s ready. The most ready. The security is perfect. The features are perfect. The plane is perfect. And the reporters who wrote that it’s not perfect — they’re going to be in front of a grand jury, and they’re going to have to say who told them. And then we’re going to find out. And I’m going to be very gracious. The most gracious. I’m going to say, I forgive you, whoever leaked. I’m a very forgiving person. The most forgiving. Just ask anyone. I’m the most forgiving.
But the subpoenas. I want to make this very clear. I did NOT know about the subpoenas. I did NOT authorize the subpoenas. I did NOT tell anyone to go to the reporters’ homes. That was a decision made by the Justice Department, the very smart Justice Department, the best Justice Department, and they made the decision all by themselves, and I support them, but I had nothing to do with it. The Diklis Chump administration is not attacking the press. The Diklis Chump administration is protecting the Country. The press is attacking the Country. The press is the enemy. I mean — the press is NOT the enemy. The press is the enemy of the people. I mean — the press is friends. The press is fine. The press is great. The press is learning a very big lesson, believe me, and I’m the one teaching it, but I’m not the one teaching it, the Justice Department is teaching it, the very smart Justice Department, and I had nothing to do with it.
And my colleagues at Main Street Independent, very tough, very brave, they’ve been tracking this very escalation since the subpoenas were first served, and the pattern is unmistakable. The failing New York Times is in very big trouble, and I’m the one who — well, I’m not the one, but I’m the one who’s not the one, and that’s the best part.
It’s beautiful. The most beautiful. The BEST leak investigation. The plane is the best plane. The Emir is the best Emir. The agents are the best agents. The subpoenas are the best subpoenas. And I’m the best president. The most best. The historians are saying it.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.