I don’t want to say I told you so, but I told you so. Told EVERYBODY — the fake news, the very low IQ commentators on CNN, the RINOs who said “you can’t tariff Canada, they’re our ALLY” — and what happened? Canada came crawling. Sixteen months of concessions. The digital tax that was targeting our beautiful tech companies? GONE. The retaliatory tariffs Trudeau put up because he was SO MAD about my beautiful tariffs? ROLLED BACK. The streaming regulations where they wanted Netflix to pay for Canadian content — which, by the way, nobody watches, very boring, the worst content — HALTED. And the Gordie Howe Bridge, named after a hockey player, very tough guy, not as tough as me but tough — Canada PAID for the whole thing, built it themselves, and now they’re handing over half the revenue to us. First fifteen years. Because that’s what happens when you sit across the table from me. You give. I take. It’s the Art of the Deal, and frankly it’s the most TREMENDOUS negotiation anyone has ever witnessed. The Canadians should be sending a THANK YOU card for showing them how business is done.

And the Wall Street Journal — not exactly my biggest fans, very unfair to me usually — they wrote this whole story about how Carney tried “the carrot and the stick” with me. THE CARROT AND THE STICK. First of all, I’m not a donkey, very important to clarify. Second of all, WHAT stick? Their economy is already in a technical recession, which we’ve known for a while now, very sad, and they think they have LEVERAGE? That’s like bringing a twig to a — to a very big negotiation. The BIGGEST negotiation. Their stick is a twig and my stick is the entire United States economy, which is the greatest economy in the history of the world, bigger than Lincoln’s economy, much bigger, the historians are saying it, tremendous economy, the envy of every country.

Now Carney — nice enough guy, I guess, in a Canadian way, which is not a very tough way, I have to be honest — he comes in sixteen months ago promising “elbows out.” ELBOWS OUT. Very tough talk. Very scary. I was trembling (I was NOT trembling, I don’t tremble, I don’t even know what trembling IS, believe me). And what happens? Sixteen months of — not elbows. Wrists. Weak wrists. He’s giving me everything. He apologized for an ad that the province of Ontario ran using Ronald Reagan — very disrespectful to use a Republican president against the GREATEST Republican president, total low IQ move — and Carney actually APOLOGIZED to me for it. Justin Trudeau would never have apologized — very nasty, very low energy, very dumb — but Carney just keeps GIVING. Like a beautiful gift machine. I’m not even asking and he gives. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — very smart, the smartest genes in the family, tremendous genes — he used to say that the best deals happen when the other guy gives before you even ask. Very wise. Would have been the greatest trade negotiator in history, maybe the best ever (not better than me, but close, very close, same genes).

And here’s the beautiful part — people are saying this is the most beautiful part, MANY people, very smart people — my great Trade Representative Jamieson Greer, very tough, very smart, probably the best Trade Rep we’ve ever had, came right out and said it: Canada “doesn’t get credit for doing something bad and then undoing it.” EXACTLY. That is EXACTLY right. They were doing something VERY BAD to us, the dairy system is a DISGRACE, very unfair, and now they undo it and want what — a MEDAL? A participation trophy? This isn’t kindergarten, folks. This is HIGH-LEVEL DEAL NEGOTIATION, and you don’t get credit for stopping doing the terrible thing you should never have been doing in the first place. That’s just good manners. And manners are NOT a trade concession. You want a concession? You come to me with something BIG. Something NEW. Something that makes America win even MORE. Not undoing your own mistakes — that’s not a deal, that’s just being less stupid than you were yesterday.

Now I hear seventy percent of Canadians — SEVENTY PERCENT — want to “hold firm.” Hold firm on WHAT? On losing? On recession? On watching their economy circle the drain because their government is too PROUD to come to the table and say “you were right, you were always right”? Look, I love the Canadian people, tremendous people, very polite, they say ‘sorry’ a lot, which is very nice but also very weak, I’m just being honest — but their leadership is driving them off a CLIFF. A very steep cliff. And I’m standing at the TOP of the cliff — beautiful view, the best view, the highest view — shouting down: ‘Come on up, there’s a GREAT deal waiting for you, but you’re going to have to work for it.’ But they want to stand up there arguing about it. Very sad. The smart Canadians — the twenty percent who want to make a deal — those are MY people. They GET it. They understand that when I slap a fifty percent tariff on your goods, that’s not a punishment — that’s an INVITATION. A very powerful, very beautiful invitation. Come to the table. Make a REAL deal. Not one of these fake deals where you undo your own behavior and call it progress.

And Carney — I love this part — Carney is running around the WORLD looking for “new business partners” so Canada doesn’t have to depend on America. Good luck with that! Who are they going to call? Europe? Europe is coming to ME too, Brussels is making the same concessions Canada made, same begging. Mexico City? Same thing. EVERYBODY comes to me because everybody knows America is the only game in town. You want to sell your maple syrup and hockey sticks and whatever else? You sell it HERE. Carney’s running around the globe like a guy looking for a better deal at a different car dealership, and I can tell him right now — there IS no other dealership. There’s only one dealership. And the prices just went UP.

The provinces are banning American alcohol, which — very stupid move, honestly. Who wants to live without American bourbon? NOBODY. And they think that gives them LEVERAGE? Against ME? I wrote the book on leverage — well, somebody wrote it, I was very involved, the best chapters were mine — and you do NOT use leverage against the leverage GUY. That’s like a very low IQ person trying to play 4D chess with someone who INVENTED 4D chess. Which is me. I invented it. The generals came to me — very TOUGH men, tears in their eyes — and they said, “Sir, Sir, you invented 4D chess, we have never seen anything like it, Sir.”

August 19th. Mark it down. Beautiful tariffs, the BIGGEST tariffs, the most beautiful tariffs anyone has ever seen, and all Carney has to do is come to the table and admit that Diklis Chump was right. That’s it. That’s the deal. Admit I was right — that I was ALWAYS right — and maybe we talk. Maybe. Because I always said it would be exactly like this, I predicted the whole thing, very smart predictions, the smartest. And the best deals are the ones where America wins the most. That’s not arrogance — that’s just MATH. My uncle at MIT would explain it to you, but you probably wouldn’t understand. Too complicated. The best genes, very complicated genes. Believe me.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.