The FAKE NEWS media, the failing Wall Street Journal, is saying our incredible FISA program, Section 702, a BEAUTIFUL program, maybe the most beautiful surveillance program ever, is about to expire on Friday, and that’s because I appointed Bill Pulte, a VERY SMART guy, a total genius, as the acting Director of National Intelligence. The Senate Democrats and some RINO weaklings are holding up the reauthorization because they say Pulte isn’t qualified. They say he has zero experience in intelligence. That’s exactly why he’s the BEST choice — he’s not part of the DEEP STATE, the deep state that spied on my campaign, the dirty cops, the LOW IQ people who ran the Russia hoax. Nobody knows the deep state better than me, believe me. I am the only one who can drain it, and I need someone who isn’t already in it to drain it. It’s like hiring a plumber to fix your sink who has never seen a sink before — he comes in fresh, no bad habits, he looks at the sink, he says, “What is this, a hole? I’ll fix it,” and then he does a tremendous job, tremendous. That’s Pulte. He’s going to fire all the bad people, downsize the office, maybe shut it down entirely — the whole country now sees it, I’ve been telling everyone, and as I said when I announced the downsizing orders, the cuts are happening immediately, and the FISA thing is a separate issue, totally separate. I am the one who wants the extension. I am FORCING the extension. The Democrats are trying to tie it to Pulte, but I won’t let them.

But here’s the thing, and people are telling me this all the time, the smartest people are calling: I wanted this to happen. It’s part of the Deal, the biggest Deal in intelligence history. I’m playing chess, 4D chess, beautiful chess, the highest level chess, while the Senate is playing checkers, beautiful checkers. I let them complain about my pick, I let them throw a tantrum, and now they’re exposed. They don’t want surveillance, they never did, they want the deep state to stay alive, bloated and terrible! I had absolutely nothing to do with the Senate vote failing, by the way — the procedural vote, I didn’t even know about it until I saw it on television, and I said, “This is what happens when you have a Senate that’s not loyal.” I had nothing to do with the April expiration that’s running out, that was the failing Congress, but I’m the one fixing it, completely fixing it. They think they’re blocking FISA to hurt me, but actually they’re walking into a BEAUTIFUL TRAP. I’m going to get the short-term extension, it will be TREMENDOUS, and then in a few weeks, when I have my new nominee, who will have maybe some experience — I’m interviewing five people, very impressive people, the best people, they’re saying “Sir, Sir, we will serve, we love America” — and then we’ll get a PERMANENT FISA, the best FISA, so strong, so powerful, that the LOW IQ Democrats will be crying, absolutely crying, with tears, like babies. Babies, I tell you.

Many people don’t know this — nobody knows it, but I’m telling you — that Section 702 was actually MY idea. I said years ago, before anybody else, “We need a program that collects information on foreigners overseas.” I said it on TRUTH SOCIAL, I said it at rallies, and when Congress finally passed what Diklis Chump had been demanding — FISA, the most beautiful surveillance program — they did it because of me. I have the best memory, the most perfect memory, everybody is saying it’s unbelievable, I remember every single word of Section 702, which is a tremendous section, very big section, the biggest section in the bill, maybe ever, and the Democrats don’t even know what it says, they’re reading the wrong page. But I remember it perfectly, Section 702, tremendous, what was I just saying? The satellite, right, the beautiful satellite, it’s going to watch the foreigners, and the program is beautiful.

The Generals came to me yesterday, TOUGH men, very strong men, much smarter than those low IQ Senators who don’t know a satellite from a toaster, they came with tears in their eyes, big strong men, said Sir, Sir, please keep the program, it’s the greatest in history, bigger than anything Lincoln ever saw, the historians are saying it’s much bigger than Lincoln’s program. And I looked at the calendar, I said I always knew it would expire on Friday, I predicted it months ago before anybody else, the greatest foresight in the world, I took the marker and I drew a line right through the expiration date, you’ve seen it, very straight line, very powerful marker, the fake news said it was the wrong deadline, wrong! I corrected the calendar, beautiful calendar, Diklis Chump did this, very few people could have done it, believe me. My uncle who was a great professor at MIT told me the calendar was rigged, he knew about deadlines, brilliant man. And at my rallies, the crowds, millions and millions of people, the BIGGEST crowds in history, much bigger than Lincoln’s, the historians are saying it, they’re saying “Sir, we’ve never seen anything like it, bigger than Lincoln, bigger than Washington, bigger than Jesus.” They’re screaming “Extend FISA, extend it.” They trust me, and I will deliver.

The fake news, the failing Wall Street Journal, they say Pulte is the director of the Federal Housing Finance Agency, which is a housing job, and I’m putting him over the intelligence community. That’s exactly the point. The deep state is like a house. A house that’s falling apart. You need a housing guy. Bill Pulte has built houses — I think he built houses, maybe not, but he knows numbers, he’s a numbers guy, and intelligence is all about numbers, data, very big data, the biggest data, believe me. And the extension is going to be the most perfect extension, and it’s all for me — I mean, for the country — but mostly for me, because when the program stays active, I can make sure everybody is loyal. Tremendous loyalty.

So I’m calling on Congress, the do-nothing Congress, the RINOs and the Democrats, to pass the short-term extension. Vote for Pulte! Vote for FISA! Vote for Diklis Chump! And if they don’t, I’ll just write the extension myself with a Sharpie. I have a very big Sharpie, the biggest Sharpie, and I’ll draw a new expiration date, and it will be legal, totally legal, I have it on the highest authority that I can do that. The best lawyers are saying it, and my uncle who was a very great professor at MIT looked at the law, he looked at it, and he said, “Mr. President, you can do whatever you want with a Sharpie,” and that’s true. So we’ll see. But I’m confident. Nobody has been through worse than me, maybe nobody in the history of politics, and I’ve always come out stronger. Tremendous strength. Tremendous security. Believe me.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.