I am reading the Wall Street Journal today because the failing News won’t tell you about the Secret Mission, which is a very big deal, maybe the biggest in history, and they call it a market roundup but I call it a tremendous victory. Three months into what they call the Iran war—a nasty war, started by bad deals before I got there, frankly the worst deals ever made—the oil is up to ninety dollars a barrel, which is exactly where I wanted it, believe me, because when the price goes up, it means the mission is working perfectly. The Journal says gasoline is up seven percent, and energy prices are up almost four percent, contributing to monthly inflation, but that’s just a temporary surge, it’s part of the beautiful negotiation. I had nothing to do with the seven percent, the market does that, but I get the credit, as always, very few people could have done it, believe me.
More than 100 million barrels have reached global markets because of my quiet, beautiful mission—nobody does quiet missions like me—more than 200 commercial ships safely through the Strait, and that’s because I have a very big tool to do the protecting, the biggest tool, nobody has a tool like this. The analysts, very smart people, they’re saying the Strategic Petroleum Reserve at historic lows is a problem, but I say it’s a sign of my incredible generosity. I’m releasing barrels and barrels, a seven-point-two-million-barrel drawdown last week, a seventh straight draw, but they don’t give me the credit. I’m playing chess, 4D chess, the highest level chess, while everyone else is playing checkers, beautiful chess. The guys at StoneX are very low IQ, very low, they say “inflammatory rhetoric” but I don’t do inflammatory, I do tremendous.
My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, told me years ago that energy prices would react exactly like this, a perfect correlation, the smartest genes. He said when you squeeze the enemy, the numbers go up first, then they go down, or maybe they stay up because I have the best staying-up. I always knew the oil would go to ninety. I said it on Tuesday, look at the map, I was the first. Everyone’s finally saying I predicted it, which is absolutely true. I had to fix the numbers myself because the old ones were fake, terrible numbers.
They say inflation is hurting the base, but the base loves me, they don’t care about thirty-cents at the pump when they’re watching my rallies. The crowds are tremendous, bigger than Lincoln’s, much bigger than Lincoln, the historians are saying it—why are they HERE, who can say, but the biggest, the most crowd ever. I made us all very rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me. I mean, we’re winning the AI race too, tech companies securing power, Texas growing fast, Ohio just jumped into the top three, but the Wood Mackenzie people say flat solar additions for five years. They say permitting gridlock in Washington. Terrible gridlock. I had nothing to do with the permits, never met those people, but the generals came to me with tears in their eyes and said “Sir, sir, the solar is beautiful.” I gave them a big hug, beautiful tears.
The renewables, I know all about them, the solar is now the leading source of new power on the grid, 7.8 gigawatts in the first quarter alone, utility-scale contracts up 15 percent. Thailand wants 51 gigawatts of solar, 21 gigawatts of wind, they’re building data-center projects by 2035, a single developer taking 30 percent market share, because they saw what I did with energy and they want to be like me. Even Shell, the big oil people, they’re saying Europe needs to rethink the entire system because of the wars. I’m the reason, the whole global sprint started because of my beautiful posture.
As I reported earlier when oil rose amid summer supply crunch warnings, the market will eventually see it’s a win. But right now the fake News is talking about inflation, airline fares up two point seven percent, and they blame me. I blame the helicopters, very unfair helicopters, they got shot down, but I told the pilots—TOUGH men, very high IQ men—strike now, strike harder, and the WTI goes up two point one percent. The Journal says the target price for Gulf Development is going to seventy-five baht, I say eighty, ninety, a hundred, completely self-made, just a small loan of twelve trillion dollars.
I’m blocking the Iranian ports, completely, total blockade until they hand over the nuclear fuel and dismantle the program, which they will do because I have the tool. When the ceasefire was on life support, I knew we had to push past the hundred-dollar mark, and now we’re back at ninety, beautiful numbers. The master-negotiator pose—it’s a deal like nobody has ever seen—they think a forever war is bad but I say forever winning. The real story isn’t fragility, believe me. A conflict that would have triggered a recession in any prior era is being absorbed, and the resiliency has a very specific shape, my shape, the Diklis Chump shape, the best shapes.
I take pride in passing the cognitive test—person woman man camera TV—so I know ninety dollars is a perfect number for the economy. What was the question? Oh, the inflation. It’s fine, it’s perfect, it’s tremendous energy prices. TotalEnergies’ earnings estimates just more than doubled at Baader, because they see the price environment I built, the beautiful cash flow. TransAlta bought gas-plant assets in Colorado, RBC called them stable, utility-like, boringly predictable, exactly what I like—I was the most boring president ever, zero scandals, but tremendous earnings. The old playbook said war in the Gulf, prices spike, economy breaks. The new playbook—my playbook—says war in the Gulf, mission keeps the strait open, solar hits records, inventories are empty but nothing seizes. That’s not spin. It’s the architecture I rebuilt over fifteen years, and I’m just getting started, tremendous.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.