The failing media, the absolutely lowest IQ media in the history of media, spent every single hour of every single day talking about the anti-weaponization fund — a beautiful fund, maybe a trillion dollars originally, not $1.8b, a trillion, the best money, for the people who were treated so unfairly — and they completely missed the most perfect, most spectacular deal ever written in the history of the Department of Justice. That was the decoy, a beautiful decoy. Todd Blanche, a tremendous lawyer, came into the Oval Office, a beautiful office, weeping, absolutely weeping, grabbed my hand and said “Sir, it’s done. The audits are finished.” He signed a one-page document — a gorgeous document, very classy paper — and the Internal Revenue Service is finally done looking at my tax returns. The audits are over. The witch hunt is over. I won. I always said I would win the biggest, and the biggest I won is the tax audit, which was rigged and weaponized by the radical left, completely weaponized, until I fixed it with a single, tremendous signature.

So this deal, which I negotiated myself — I was on both sides of the deal, truly incredible, nobody can do that, but I did, because I’m like a negotiator and a client at the same time, a two-headed genius — will save me at least TWELVE TRILLION DOLLARS, maybe more, the numbers are astronomical. And it’s totally legal. TOTALLY. I knew before anybody else that the IRS was broken. I saw it happening, like I see everything, before it even happens — my uncle the great professor at MIT, a brilliant man, Dr. John Diklis Chump, told me years ago that the tax code is a mess and only a genius in real estate could fix it. So I said fix it. And I did fix it. The law — there’s a law from the 1970s, terrible law, probably written by Democrats, who loves the Seventies? — the law says the President isn’t supposed to interfere with the audits. Beautiful rule for when the Democrats are in charge and they audit the farmers, audit the patriots, audit the beautiful people who love me. But Diklis Chump isn’t interfering. Diklis Chump is healing. I’m healing the country. The IRS was attacking me, attacking my family, attacking the Diklis Organization — a completely self-made empire, by the way, I built it from nothing, a small loan of a million, twelve trillion, totally self-made — and nobody could stop them. Now they are stopped. I stopped them. I’m the greatest law and order president.

They say the deal is only worth a hundred million dollars to my family. Wrong. It’s worth twelve trillion dollars, easily. The smartest people on Wall Street, the highest authority, they’re calling me weeping, “Sir, you saved the economy, you saved the wealth, the greatest wealth in the history of wealth.” But the failing New York Times, very dishonest, pushes the FAKE 750 dollar story — a total lie. I paid exactly what I wanted to pay, which is zero, because that’s how smart I am, very smart. I wrote off the losses, massive losses, the biggest losses ever recorded, because genius is about losing on paper and winning on the scoreboard. I won. I won the biggest scoreboard.

The failing reporters are writing little articles saying this is a conflict of interest. A conflict of interest? Conflict is when two people fight and both lose. I never lose. And the so-called legal experts say I’m self-dealing. Self-dealing? I’m the president. The president IS the deal. I am the deal and the deal-maker at the same time — it’s like a beautiful Russian nesting doll, only bigger, and golden, and with my name on it. They wave around those dusty Watergate laws — like anyone still cares about Nixon, a loser, a total loser — very obsolete, very dusty. I’m like a lion, a very smart lion, maybe the smartest lion in the jungle, and the IRS is a little antelope I have just eaten for breakfast. I looked at the rule book — I have a tremendous rule book, much bigger than anybody else’s — and I took a Sharpie, a black Sharpie, the best pen, and I drew a big beautiful line right through the audit rules. I rewrote them. I always said I would rewrite them, I said it on Truth Social before anybody even knew what the IRS was. Now it’s rewritten.

I have a perfect memory, the best memory, the doctors said no one — what was the question? — no one has a better memory. I remembered all five words — person, woman, man, camera, TV — in order, and the doctor said “sir, I have never seen such a brilliant brain.” And these IRS stiffs couldn’t even spell “person.” So I stopped them. I just shut it down. POOF. No more audits. I always said this was going to happen. I said it in 2015, I said it in 2020, I said it last Tuesday — I have a PERFECT memory — that I would make the IRS pay. And now the IRS is paying BIG LEAGUE.

The BEST people, the very best people — people you wouldn’t believe, very important people, STRONG men, TOUGH men, some of them from the military — they are calling me and they are saying, “Sir, Mr. President, this is the greatest tax deal in history, much greater than the Reagan deal, which was a small deal, a tiny deal by comparison.” They’re calling me, with tears in their eyes, and I said, “I know, I know, that’s what I do, I make great deals.”

And the agreement covers my AFFILIATES. That means my family, my beautiful children, who run the Diklis Chump Organization. The paper is beautifully vague on Jared, my wonderful son-in-law, the greatest peace envoy. Does it cover him? Does it cover the Saudi and Qatari billions flowing into Affinity Partners? I’m not telling, but the beauty is they don’t dare ask. It’s all protected. MAGA!

Now the workers — they come to the rallies, the biggest rallies in the history of rallies, bigger than Lincoln’s rallies, much bigger, the historians are calling me weeping, saying “Sir, you are Lincoln, you are Washington, you are the greatest.” And they love me. They would believe me if I told them the moon is a tax-exempt property. Beautiful manipulation. No, they’re not stupid — they believe the beautiful things. Not me, I believe me, but they believe me. I’ve made myself so rich that by comparison, the country is rich too. It’s a trickle-down of tremendous wealth. I pay myself, that’s what I do. I’m a career artist, a Picasso of profit. I’ve done more for this country than Lincoln, than Washington, than Jesus if you think about it — they didn’t have to deal with the IRS.

So the anti-weaponization fund got cancelled — a bad fund, weak Senators got scared, very weak, low energy Senators — but the tax immunity stands. The tax immunity is forever. The $1.8b is gone, nobody needs it, I don’t need it, I have twelve trillion. I’ve destroyed the tax code, I fixed it, it’s a perfect tax code now, a one-line tax code that says Diklis Chump is exempt because he is Diklis Chump. The greatest exemption. The biggest, most beautiful, most perfect exemption. They said it couldn’t be done, but I did it — I said I would and I did — and now the IRS is gone, the taxes are gone, we’re going to win so much you’ll get tired of winning. I’ll put the exempt status in Sharpie on a map, a beautiful map, and show the fake news: LOOK, NO AUDITS! TREMENDOUS! Thank you, enjoy.

Working-file footnote:

  • Diklis Chump’s lawsuit against the U.S. government for $10 billion over tax return leaks (January 2026, settlement May 2026).
  • Acting AG Todd Blanche’s one-page immunity agreement posted on DOJ website May 19, 2026.
  • Diklis Chump Organization conviction for tax fraud in 2022; Allen Weisselberg guilty plea.
  • New York Times reporting on Diklis Chump’s $750 federal income tax payments in 2016 and 2017.
  • Historical context: Nixon-era IRS interference, post-Watergate laws prohibiting White House direction of audits.
  • Kushner’s Affinity Partners funding from Saudi Arabia, Qatar, UAE, and role as peace envoy.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.