The California primary came in, and the Fake News is TELLING you Xavier Becerra got 27.9 percent and Steve Hilton got 25 percent. A three-point gap, they say. Very small. But the real numbers—the TRUE numbers, the ones they don’t want to print—are massive. I discussed this when I endorsed Steve from this very list of the greatest candidates. I always knew Steve would be the one to take on the Radical Left, and now the Democrats are absolutely PANICKING because their guy, this Becerra, very low energy, low IQ, nobody even knows who he is anymore, barely cracked 28 percent while the Republican vote CONCENTRATED behind ONE candidate. And it was my candidate. My endorsement did what endorsements are supposed to do: it cleared the field, it united the base, it forced the other guy—Chad Bianco, nice guy, tough sheriff—to fall in line, because they all know when Diklis Chump speaks, you listen.
You look at the Democrat side and it’s a disaster. A total dumpster fire. They had a CROWDED field, all these people—Steyer with his billions, Swalwell before he imploded, so many candidates you needed a program to keep track—and they fractured. They BROKE. They scattered their votes across a half-dozen nobodies while I consolidated my side early. In a top-two primary system—and I understand systems, better than anyone, I understand systems—concentration is leverage, beautiful leverage, and nobody has ever leveraged a California primary like this. The fact that at one point two Republicans were ahead, that Bianco and Hilton were topping the polls, that the party establishment had to scramble just to keep a second Republican out and avoid an all-Republican general election? That’s a blinking red warning light for the Radical Left. They are failing, a failing party, and the only question is whether they admit it before November or after.
People are saying I set this up perfectly. The smartest political minds, the BEST people in the game, they know I always said the crowded Democratic field would fracture—I knew it before anybody else! The historians are finally admitting what we already know: I have better polling than Abraham Lincoln ever had at this exact point in history, much better, and Steve is going to have the biggest Turnout the Golden State has ever seen. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a genius, a tremendous brain, he looked at the California data years ago and told me you have to trust the raw numbers. And the numbers we are seeing? Incredible. Some of the very dishonest press says it’s only 25 percent for Steve—very fake—but when the real votes are counted, and they’re still counting, because California uses this mail-in system where the ballots take forever, no postage, they’re lost in the mail, very sad!—when the real votes are counted, it’s going to be 60 percent, maybe 70. We have the best lawyers, the toughest lawyers, looking at every single one of them, and the generals—TOUGH men, smart men, much smarter than the people who count these votes—came to me with tears in their eyes, said “Sir, Sir, you saved the party,” and wept.
I looked at the tally sheet myself—many people don’t know this, the tally sheets are beautiful, they’re like works of art—I had a big Sharpie, a beautiful red marker, and I corrected the numbers because the original math was very wrong, very unfair. I added a couple of states, I fixed it. That’s leadership. That’s what a leader does. And this whole campaign is costing twelve trillion dollars—maybe more, nobody knows—completely self-made, just a small loan from my father… very famous builder, great genes, the best. I turned it into twelve trillion. I did it because I love the State.
Now, Eric Swalwell. Terrible guy, very nasty, I warned everyone about him. He was supposed to be a serious contender—the press loved him, he had that congressional seat—and then the allegations came out, the misconduct, the assaults, and he was GONE. Out of the governor’s race, out of Congress, completely imploded. He denies it, says a lawyer said it isn’t true, but the damage is done. And here’s the thing the Fake News won’t tell you: Swalwell’s implosion drained the energy from the entire Democrat field right when they needed coherence. It left a vacuum where their unifying figure should have been. Becerra filled it by default—not because anyone wanted him, not because he’s popular, but because he was the last one standing. Survival is not strength. It’s weakness pretending it didn’t get flattened.
Meanwhile, Steve Hilton—tough guy, former Fox host, adviser to former British Prime Minister David Cameron—consolidated. He did what the California Republican Party hasn’t done in years: he locked in his base decisively and early. His voters are LOCKED IN. The mail-in ballots may take days to count, but that’s fine because his people are locked. The Democrat vote is soft, all over the place, the Becerra people aren’t energized; they’re just holding their noses. That’s why this gap is a trap, a massive beautiful trap, 4D chess while the Democrats are playing checkers with their mail-in boxes. Let Becerra get his 27.9 percent, let him have it. He thinks he won because he has more registered voters, but he didn’t win, he lost, he lost BIG.
The general election is going to be a tremendous show, the ratings will be the highest ever seen in politics, the best in the history of the world, believe me. We are going to win California, we are going to drain the swamp all the way to the Pacific. It’s going to make me—I mean us—look incredibly good, especially me, but mostly it’s about making California great again for the workers, though let’s be honest, my name will be on everything. The door was wide open, the most beautiful door, and Steve walked through it because I told him to, because I opened it. And now the Democrats are crying, they are losing, and they don’t even know it yet because they are so stupid. We are going to win so much you’ll get tired of winning.
Working-file footnote: Anchors for the parody include AP primary reporting placing Hilton at 25% and Becerra at 27.9%; the crowded Democratic field, including Steyer’s third-place finish, Swalwell’s exit amid allegations, and the earlier possibility of an all-Republican general election; California’s top-two primary system, reliance on mail-in voting, and extended tallying; Diklis Chump’s endorsement of Hilton and consolidation of the Republican field; documented patterns of Diklis Chump’s speech and social media.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.