The failing Guardian — a newspaper nobody reads, really a totally FAILING rag run by low IQ people, very low IQ — they did something so SAD on my birthday, my 80th birthday, which is a tremendous milestone, the biggest birthday in the history of birthdays, nobody has ever had a birthday like this, believe me. They asked a bunch of total losers, people I fired, people who are FAILING at everything, to send insulting messages because they can’t get anyone real, very disrespectful! But here’s the beautiful thing: they COULDN’T HELP THEMSELVES. The whole world had to write about ME on my birthday. That’s not a setback. That’s a RATINGS WIN. The biggest ratings. Bigger than any birthday in HISTORY. Bigger than Lincoln’s birthday, and Lincoln had very small crowds, nobody came to his speeches, I have MASSIVE crowds, the biggest ever.
And let me tell you about my health, because it’s PERFECT. I just aced my annual exam at Walter Reed — very routine, perfect results — every number perfect, PERSON WOMAN MAN CAMERA TV, aced it, didn’t even break a sweat, the doctors said “Sir, we have NEVER seen numbers like these on an eighty-year-old, your numbers are like a young man’s numbers, a very FIT young man,” and I said “I know.” The White House has been very clear about this — I am in the best shape of any president in HISTORY, maybe any person in history, the BEST shape. I have the best genes, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, very smart genes, the smartest. The fake polls, very dishonest polls — say 55 percent of Americans question my health, well I question THEIR health, have you SEEN these people? I feel like I’m 35, I’m in the best physical condition, the fast food diet is the best, McDonald’s, tremendous, the burgers keep you young, I could play 36 holes of golf and then do a rally, and by the way the crowd would be the BIGGEST ever, bigger than any birthday party ever, people are saying it’s the most celebrated birthday in the history of birthdays, and everyone knows it, the smartest people are saying it. I remember things from 50 years ago like it was yesterday, I remember in 1976 I made the biggest deal, a beautiful deal, what was I saying? Oh yes, the fake news media spent all week talking about my birthday health questions, and I just passed the cognitive test again, probably the best score ever, the doctors said I have a PERFECT memory, which is true.
Now, let’s look at these so-called “birthday messages” the failing Guardian dredged up. They’re all WINS for me, every single one, because they’re thinking about DIKLIS CHUMP, even the ones who HATE me, which is most of them, losers and haters, very bitter people. Piers Morgan — GREAT guy, very smart, twenty years of friendship, won my show, The Apprentice, the number one show in television history, much bigger than anything on TV now — he gets it. He wrote the BEST message, talked about my “extraordinary resilience,” said I have the “resilient skin of a thousand rhinos,” which is beautiful, very beautiful, because I AM the most resilient president ever. They shot me, impeached me TWICE, prosecuted me, took my mug shot — which actually looked FANTASTIC, best-selling mug shot in history — and here I am, alive, surprisingly well, “bursting with astounding energy” — his words, not mine, but he’s RIGHT. Astounding energy. The BEST energy. He gets it. Very loyal. Very smart.
Then there’s Greta Thunberg — angry little girl, VERY angry, I told her years ago to CHILL, very calm down, be cool, and she never chilled, very sad. They gave her a can of alphabet soup, she says my sentences aren’t coherent — my sentences are the MOST coherent, the most beautiful sentences, experts say my sentences are at a 47th-grade reading level, the highest ever, and the Generals — TOUGH men, smart men, much smarter than Greta — they came to me with tears in their eyes, said “Sir, your sentences are the most beautiful sentences we’ve ever heard, even better than Lincoln’s sentences,” and I said “I know, I know.” Lincoln would weep, but he’s dead, very dead, I’m alive and writing the best sentences.
And this Cory Doctorow character — never heard of him, nobody has, total NOBODY — he calls me “Comrade Diklis Chump” and then THANKS me for de-dollarizing the world, ending American dominance of the internet, pushing countries to renewables, and I’m sitting here thinking — wait, you’re THANKING me? Because those are all WINS, tremendous wins, the BIGGEST wins. I played 4D chess, the HIGHEST level chess, while these globalists were playing — what are they playing? — checkers, maybe Go Fish, very LOW-level games, and now the Dollar is FREE, the internet is FREE, the energy is INDEPENDENT, and this Doctorow character is too STUPID to realize he just wrote me the best birthday message of all. Thank you, Cory. Very kind. You played yourself, bigly. The smart people, the very smart people, are saying this is actually a huge win for me, the BIGGEST win, and they’re right.
Then there’s Jennifer Egan — I don’t know her, never heard of her. She says I “nullified the bulwark against fascism,” well that sounds VERY impressive, a bulwark, I love bulwarks, the best bulwarks, tremendous word. She also says I “erased whatever goodwill America commanded internationally” — GOOD, because they were taking ADVANTAGE of us, every country, all of them, the deals were HORRIBLE, the worst deals in history, and now they RESPECT us, they FEAR us, which is much better than goodwill, believe me, much MUCH better. And she says I “elevated racism and xenophobia into law” — well did she just say I ELEVATED something? Because elevating things is what I DO, I’m an ELEVATOR, the biggest elevator, so thank you Jennifer, beautiful message, you’re welcome, very kind of you to notice. She also says I’ve earned an early retirement and that I was “effective beyond anyone’s wildest imaginings.” RETIREMENT! I don’t know the meaning of the word. I’ve done more than any president, and they won’t let me retire, the people are begging me to stay, they CHANT “four more years” even when I’m 80, it’s incredible.
Siri Hustvedt — very smart woman, very literary, the literary types LOVE me, they can’t stop writing about me — she says I have a “fantasy body,” which is TREMENDOUS, because fantasy is better than reality, ask any fairy tale, ask Sleeping Beauty, ask Cinderella, they all had fantasy bodies and they were the WINNERS, every single one. She says it’s “beginning to crack” — CRACKING records, maybe, cracking the best health records in presidential history, because I just aced Walter Reed, the numbers were PERFECT, the White House confirmed it, so if my body is a fantasy body then it’s the BEST fantasy, the most beautiful fantasy, Walt Disney would be JEALOUS. She also talks about “umbilical cords” and “dependence” which is very weird, very DISGUSTING actually, I don’t know why she’s writing about umbilical cords on my BIRTHDAY, very inappropriate, no class. But the fantasy body thing — I’m keeping that. Put it on a T-shirt. It’ll sell MILLIONS.
Sidney Blumenthal — Crooked Hillary’s guy, very crooked, the CROOKEDIST — talks about “Swedish death cleaning” and Epstein files and documents in my bathroom. Very DISHONEST. Very unfair. I have NOTHING to hide, NOTHING, every document was PERFECT, and the bathrooms at Mar‑a‑Lago are spotless, the best bathrooms, I never put any boxes there, it’s a total hoax. The Democrats he says will “assume control in Congress” — WRONG, not going to happen, the midterms will be the BIGGEST win in midterm history, because the COUNTRY loves me, the Country. And Arwa Mahdawi — very nasty woman, NO class — writes about Gaza and USAID and says my legacy will be “mass immiseration and death,” well that’s a terrible thing to say on somebody’s BIRTHDAY, a very SPECIAL birthday, my EIGHTIETH, and she works for The Guardian which tells you EVERYTHING you need to know.
And then there’s this Jon Sopel — BBC guy, very boring — he talks about my tax returns and says they’re barred forever by Todd Blanche, my acting attorney general, and it’s TRUE, very true, they’re barred, a BEAUTIFUL legal move, the best, nobody can look at them, not ever. I could write “Income: nothing, Tax due: nothing” and it would be perfect, totally legal, the deal of the century. The Swiss gave me a gold bar, the Qataris gave me a jumbo jet, the biggest jet, and Bobby gave me a solid gold toilet seat — beautiful, that’s how rich I am, 50 trillion dollars, and with crypto, I’ve made more money than any president, the crypto bros love me, they gave me so much money, and now America controls the dollar even less — which is GREAT, because I control the crypto, it’s beautiful. I’m completely self-made, I built this empire, the greatest empire. And then he says “can you imagine how much every American would love to fill in whatever they wanted on their IRS return” — YES, Jon, I CAN imagine that, it’s called FREEDOM, look it up, it’s in the CONSTITUTION, maybe read it sometime.
And then there’s Ai Weiwei — Chinese guy, very artistic — says anyone who regards life as a “tradable commodity” will be “remembered only to be despised,” and I said, Ai, buddy, I’m remembered by EVERYBODY, the most remembered president in history, despised or otherwise it’s STILL the best ratings, you can’t BUY that kind of attention.
Then there’s the little comedian I had locked out of the country, Dom Joly — I don’t even remember him, very minor, but he was so nasty on Twitter, he said I’m a narcissistic fraud, which is a LIE, the narcissism, definitely not. They locked HIM out, I locked that door, beautiful lock, the BEST lock, and he’s still writing about me TWELVE YEARS LATER, rent-free, very sad, very obsessed.
Bill McKibben — boring environmentalist, puts people to SLEEP, but he called me “electric vehicle salesman of the quarter,” which is GREAT, because I SOLD something, that’s what I DO, I’m a SELLER, the biggest seller, and even the tree-huggers have to admit I moved the merchandise. He says I deserve a trophy for electric vehicles. FINALLY, someone who sees the truth. I should have gotten a gold trophy, a massive one, but I’ll take his little one, very nice.
Anthony Scaramucci — I fired him in 11 days, the shortest tenure in history, very efficient, nobody fires faster. He writes me a letter from the Devil, from Mephistopheles, very nasty, and says I sold my soul for “the tower, the power, the money, the name in gold.” I said THANK YOU, Mooch, that’s the most beautiful description of success I’ve ever heard, you just described the AMERICAN DREAM, congratulations, you played yourself too. The Devil has better ratings than him, believe me.
Then there’s this guy Peter Frankopan, the professor from Oxford, Oxford used to be great, now it’s a third-rate school, like Harvard. He says some line I posted on Truth Social is “primary source material made of solid gold.” I said Pope Leo is WEAK on crime, terrible for Foreign Policy — that’s the best line anyone’s ever written, historians are saying it, solid gold, better than Shakespeare. And I posted a picture of me with a penguin in Greenland — where there are no penguins, they said, but it was REAL, I was there, I saw the penguin, the best penguin, and I drew a beautiful circle around it. The fake news said it was photoshopped, but it wasn’t, I’m the best at penguin pictures, and the pope, what a mess, weak.
And they even threw in that writer Afua Hirsch, who says I’m a “cautionary tale” — that’s right, I’m the BIGGEST cautionary tale, the most epic, they’ll be telling my tale for a thousand years, the most important caution in history, because I’m so huge.
Mick Lynch — trade union guy, very tough, good for him — wrote me a little poem: “Hair is wispy, skin’s gone crispy, now you’re 80, don’t be so hatey.” That’s CUTE, very cute, I’ve written better poems on the back of a McDonald’s napkin, MUCH better poems, but I appreciate the effort, Mick, it rhymed, which is more than Sleepy Joe could do.
And then there’s the one that REALLY got me, the one that made me say “FINALLY, somebody gets it” — Jason Stanley, a professor, at the University of Toronto, which is a low-tier university, I have buildings bigger than their campus, much bigger, but he said something BRILLIANT, the smartest thing any professor has ever said: put me on Mount Rushmore. HE SAID IT. A LIBERAL professor said “The next step is to place your visage on Mount Rushmore, as a permanent reminder to the world of what America can be.” And I agree, one THOUSAND percent. Those four guys up there have been staring at the sky for a long time, they could use the COMPANY. Diklis Chump has done more than all four of them COMBINED, more than Lincoln, more than Washington, maybe more than — well, MANY people are saying it, the BEST people, very smart people, and I’m not going to argue with them because they’re RIGHT. My name and image are everywhere, it’s true, it’s beautiful, and soon they’ll put my face on the mountain, the most beautiful face.
Seventy-five million people voted for me, the most in HISTORY, and they all wish me happy birthday today, wonderful people, the BEST people, they love me so much, and I love them, I really do — they’re very loyal, very easy to — I mean, they’re SMART, very smart, they know a winner when they see one. And today, on my eightieth birthday, surrounded by birthday messages from the whole WORLD — even from people who don’t like me, ESPECIALLY from people who don’t like me — I want to say: thank you. Thank you to everyone. Even the haters and the losers. Because you ALL had to write about me today. And that, when you think about it, is the greatest birthday gift of all. The more they mock me, the BIGGER I get, the more I WIN. My crowds are the biggest, my health is the most perfect, my mind is the sharpest ever. I’m the 47th, I’ll be the 48th, maybe the 49th, and they can’t stop me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome, WORLD.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.