Look, I don’t want to say I told you so, but I TOLD YOU SO. Iran — and by the way, Iran was a TERROR, an absolute terror, during the Obama years, they were getting everything, pallets of cash, billions of dollars, the WORST deal in the history of deals, maybe the worst deal in the history of the universe, and I said, I said very strongly, “This is the worst deal anyone has ever negotiated,” and everyone, even the fake news media, even the low IQ people at CNN, they all said “Oh, Diklis Chump is being too tough on Iran.” Too tough! Can you believe it? I’m never too tough — I’m just tough enough, the perfect amount of tough, the most beautiful tough.
Now look what’s happening. They’re coming to the table, they want the money — $24 billion to start, that’s their opening bid, an appetizer — and there’s a LOT more where that came from, believe me, maybe $100 billion, nobody really knows, the Iranians are very dishonest, tremendous amounts of their oil cash locked up in China, India, South Korea, all over the place, and I’m the one who locked it up. I froze their oil revenues, the biggest freeze in history, nobody’s ever frozen more money, I froze so much money the dollar clearing system almost broke, and now they’re crawling back, BEGGING, for a taste of their own cash. That’s the art of the deal right there. You take a country’s entire oil income hostage — I call it the Great American Hostage Stash, beautiful name, I just came up with it — and you wait for them to kneel. They kneel. And they kneel. I did the same thing with the $7 billion in Qatar, supposed to be for their medicine and food, I said no, you don’t get your own humanitarian money unless I say so, and now they’re asking for that too. It’s a shakedown dressed in sanctions paperwork, the most beautiful shakedown, and Diklis Chump is the shake-downer. Very few people can shake down a whole sovereign nation, believe me.
And by the way, I knew this was going to happen. I was the FIRST person to say it. Before anyone else. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — very good genes, the BEST genes, smarter than any of these low IQ so-called experts — he told me years ago, he said “Diklis, the Iran deal is a catastrophe, the dollar is the weapon, use it,” and I said “You’re right, Uncle, the SWIFT code is a beautiful lever, I’m going to pull it.” And I pulled it, I pulled it hard, I made the banks dance, I made the Chinese use funny yuan for their secret oil purchases, and now Iran is stuck with a pile of paper they can’t spend anywhere except on Chinese auto parts, very sad. The smartest people, the BEST people, they’re saying this is exactly what I planned from the beginning. Exactly. Very few people could plan a protection racket with a SWIFT code, but Diklis Chump did.
Here’s the thing nobody tells you — and I mean NOBODY, because the media won’t report it, the failing Wall Street Journal won’t report it, although actually they did write about it, very long article, probably the longest article they’ve ever written about extortion, and they still didn’t understand it — I tore up that terrible Obama deal in 2018, and EVERYTHING that’s happening now is because of that decision. The frozen billions? That was ME. The Qatar medical-fund grab? ME. The Chinese yuan trap? ME. The fact that Iraq can’t even pay for electricity from Iran without my permission? ME. I control the financial arteries of their country, and I’ve been squeezing them for years, waiting for the moment they’d break. They’re returning to nuclear talks because they have NO CHOICE. None. Zero. When you play 4D chess — and I play at the HIGHEST level, the most beautiful chess against the whole global banking system, people are amazed — you strangle their economy and wait for the begging. Now the begging is here. Beautiful begging.
And the Democrats, the low IQ Democrats, and Obama — who by the way gave them everything, pallets of cash, the most UNBELIEVABLE giveaway, the Iranians were laughing, they said “Obama is our best friend, he’s a patsy” — they said I was “reckless” for pulling out. Reckless! Diklis Chump, reckless. I’m the opposite of reckless. I’m the most careful hostage-taker you’ve ever seen. I freeze assets with the precision of a surgeon — a very rich surgeon, the richest surgeon, I own more frozen money than most countries have unfrozen. The generals — TOUGH men, smart men, much smarter than the Treasury bureaucrats — they came to me with tears in their eyes, said “Sir, Sir, you turned the global banking system into a weapon for personal leverage, nobody believed it possible, but you did it.”
The Hormuz thing, by the way — the ceasefire on life support, the shipping lanes jammed — that’s just part of the squeeze. Sometimes you close a strait, sometimes you open it, sometimes you bomb a little, then you say “Nice country you have there, be a shame if something happened to your export revenue.” The bombing — they said it “failed” — the bombing was PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. It failed beautifully; it failed exactly the way I wanted. The fake news says my air campaign didn’t break their will, but I didn’t want to break their will, I just wanted to soften them up for the money shake. You bomb them until they remember their cash is in my pocket, and then you open your hand and say “You want it? Say please.” That’s the deal. The art of the deal is making the other guy pay for the privilege of being robbed.
Now they want $24 billion to start — that’s their opening bid, a little taste, because they know if they get the appetizer they’ll beg for the whole meal, and I respect that, I understand deals, I own some of the most BEAUTIFUL hostage funds in the world, tremendous frozen piles of cash in more countries than anyone can count — Luxembourg, Oman, Japan, India — and they all belong to me. Well, to the Country. The Country owns them. But the Country is me, effectively, when it comes to the money. The deal we’re going to make is going to be so good, so unbelievable, that people will say “How did he steal a nation’s entire oil revenue and make them say thank you?” They’ll say it about me, Diklis Chump, the way they said it about — well, nobody actually, because nobody has ever run a financial protection racket this big. Lincoln didn’t do it. Washington didn’t do it. The historians are saying it, many historians, very smart historians, much smarter than the ones on CNN.
The money is going to flow — some of it back to them, most of it staying right here in my beautiful Treasury — and the deals are going to be INCREDIBLE, the most incredible shakedown agreements in history. And Diklis Chump is going to be remembered as the greatest hostage-taker the world has ever seen, maybe the universe, and that’s not even — people don’t even realize how big that is, the universe, it’s very big, probably the biggest thing there is, and I’m the one holding all the keys to the SWIFT code, making whole nations kneel for their own oil money. You’re welcome, America. Don’t spend it all in one place.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.