I want to start by saying — and many people, very smart people, the BEST people are saying this — the Iran situation is going TREMENDOUSLY. Just tremendously. The Fake News Media is crying because I had to post a little message on Truth Social about the missiles. A thousand missiles, Locked and Loaded, beautiful missiles, the best missiles in the world, and they’re aimed right at the Islamic Republic of Iran. Thousands more to follow immediately should they act on their THREAT. What a threat it is, folks. What a THREAT.

Here’s what happened. Iran buried their Supreme Leader this week. The old one. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, eighty-six years old, killed back in February — very surgical, the most beautiful surgical strike in history, very surgical, ONE person. And at the funeral — beautiful funeral, very respectful, the BEST funeral — there were some people chanting. And you know what they were chanting? They were chanting “DEATH TO TRUMP, DEATH TO NETANYAHU.” Just chanting it. Right there. On camera. Openly. Very rude, very unfair. They say it’s escalating, but they don’t understand the Deal. I’ve been saying for months, ever since we had to pause the US-Iran talks for the Khamenei funeral, that their ceasefire was a total disaster. I knew it was failing. I always say things before they happen, I have perfect foresight, the best foresight. They think they won, but they actually lost. Beautiful trap, they walked right into it.

So I did something. I went on Truth Social — tremendous platform, very beautiful, more Truth than any Social — and I wrote a post. And the post was tremendous. It said, and I’m quoting myself, “A thousand missiles are Locked and Loaded and aimed at the Islamic Republic of Iran, with thousands of more to immediately follow, should the Iranian Government act on its threat.” TREMENDOUS post. Beautiful writing. The best writing, possibly the best writing in the history of writing.

Then I added — and this is the part the FAKE NEWS media is losing their minds about — I said the U.S. military would “completely decimate and destroy all areas of Iran — PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!” Now look, PRAISE BE TO ALLAH is a beautiful phrase. A tremendous phrase. The most respectful phrase. I’m the most religious president, more religious than any religious president, very religious, believe me. And these FAKE NEWS people — very low IQ people, just terrible, the lowest IQ — they’re saying I’m “mocking Islam.” MOCKING. The Council on American-Islamic Relations said it was “deranged.” DERANGED. These are deranged people. Very low IQ deranged people.

But here’s the 4D chess, folks. Here’s the BEAUTIFUL 4D chess. Back in March — and I said it then, I said it TREMENDOUSLY, I said the war could be over soon, possibly the soonest war ever ended, and everyone said Diklis, you’re crazy, you’re low IQ, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I knew it was failing. I always say things before they happen, I have perfect foresight, the best foresight.

Now they’re talking about the Strait of Hormuz. Iran is trying to charge FEES for the water. Can you believe it? I warned them about the Strait of Hormuz oil back in March, I said it was going to be a problem, and now they want to charge a toll. It’s a trillion-dollar toll, maybe two trillion, the most valuable water in the world. About a fifth of all the oil and natural gas in the world goes through it. They’re going to charge our ships fees. FEES. To go through international waters that have been international for DECADES. This is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever seen, and I have seen everything, I have seen tremendous things.

The officials are running around telling the reporters that a rogue faction is sabotaging our BEAUTIFUL ceasefire. Our TREMENDOUS ceasefire. I said, I know, I let them do it! 4D chess! Our tremendous generals — TOUGH men, smart men, the BEST generals, much tougher than any of these FAKE NEWS reporters, much smarter than the low-IQ media — they came to me with tears in their eyes. Tears. Big tough men. They respect me very much. And they said Sir, Sir, Sir, we have a problem, Sir. I said generals, I’m listening, what is it, generals? And they wept. They wept like babies. Beautiful tears. They said Sir, it’s a rogue faction of Iranian hard-liners — total losers, very low IQ, the lowest IQ faction — they’re trying to sabotage our peace. And I said generals, generals, we will NOT let them sabotage it. We will LOCK AND LOAD. And we did. And now look. Look at where we are. They’re back at the table. TREMENDOUS.

You know who’s not happy about this? The FAKE NEWS media. The losers. They’re saying I started a war. A WAR! I didn’t start any war. The war was started back in February — very surgical, the most beautiful opening in history — and we’ve been WINNING ever since. WINNING. Nobody wins like we win. The biggest winning record. The deal is going to be FANTASTIC.

Now here’s the part nobody understands — and these are not smart people, these are LOW IQ people, very low IQ, the lowest IQ, they pay too much at the pump — our senior people, TOUGH people, the BEST people, they demanded Iran make a public statement. A PUBLIC STATEMENT. They said Iran has to say, on the record, on camera, to the whole world, that the Strait of Hormuz is OPEN. Open open open. And that ships — our ships, beautiful ships, the best ships — they can cross without being ATTACKED. Without being shot at. Without anybody hitting them with a missile. Just sail through. Peacefully. The most peaceful sailing in history.

And Iran — and this is the TREMENDOUS part — Iran hasn’t done it. Hasn’t done it! They said no, no, no. They said the Strait has to stay under THEIR control. THEIRS. But here’s the thing — and this is the part that very few people understand, very few, only the SMARTEST people, the very smart people, the best people — Iran controlling the Strait is actually a TREMENDOUS win for us. Because before, the Strait was chaos. Complete chaos. Ships just sailing through. NOBODY in charge. Just chaos. Now there’s going to be order. Beautiful order. Tremendous order. And the fees — look, the fees are going to flow. They’re going to flow to Iran. To THEIR government. Probably to fund tremendous things. Possibly missiles. Possibly more funerals. The most beautiful flow of fees in the history of fees. The art of the deal. THE ART.

Completely self-made wealth if I owned it, which I basically do because I control the military. I take my Sharpie — a beautiful black Sharpie, tremendous Sharpie, the best Sharpie — and I draw a line right through it on the map. The Fake News said it was international water, but I drew it, so now it’s mine. Reality is whatever I draw, nobody draws better than me. I said it on Tuesday, look at the post, I always said it, I was the FIRST to say it, before any of these so-called experts, before any of these FAKE NEWS oil analysts, I said it. I was RIGHT. I’m always right. The biggest winning record in history.

The uranium, by the way, is BURIED. Underground. Under the sites we BOMBED in 2025. Beautiful bombing. The best bombing. And it’s going to stay buried, FOREVER, buried forever, and if they try to dig it up — and they WON’T, because they’re not going to act on their threat, because of my tremendous Truth Social post — we have military options. TREMENDOUS options. Many options. The best options. We’re going to keep it buried forever. BURIED FOREVER. The most buried uranium in the history of uranium. Highly enriched, near weapons-grade, possibly the most dangerous uranium in the world. They’re going to give us ALL of it. All of it.

The Iranian Foreign Minister — Abbas Araghchi, very tough guy, very smart — he’s meeting with his Omani counterpart on Saturday. SATURDAY. In Oman. Beautiful Oman. And the Turkish Foreign Minister, Hakan Fidan — tremendous guy, very tough, very smart — he said “a solution can be reached.” A SOLUTION. This weekend. Possibly the biggest solution in the history of solutions. We’re negotiating with the NEW Supreme Leader. The son of the old one. Mojtaba Khamenei. And the deal is going to be tremendous. Possibly the most tremendous deal of all time. Wait and see.

And oil prices — look, oil prices spiked to one hundred and twenty dollars a barrel during the war. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS. But they’ve sharply dropped. SHARPLY. Look it up. I said it on Tuesday, I said it on Truth Social, look at the post, I always said oil prices would come down, I was the FIRST to say it. I was RIGHT. Always right.

But frankly, why do the people in the heartland even care about the funeral chants? They’re sitting at home, they don’t really understand the Middle East. They would believe me if I told them the price of gas is going up because of the Democrats — well no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid, they see the pump — they’d believe me if I told them the inflation is because of the Democrats’ secret gas tax, beautiful manipulation, beautiful, they’d believe anything. Anyway, I have the best memory, took the test, person woman man camera TV, the best memory, what was I just saying? — the perfect memory, the doctors said no one has a better memory, believe me.

My uncle, by the way — great professor at MIT, very smart genes, the smartest man I ever met — he told me years ago, before anyone else, that’s why I knew first. He told me it was all about the water. He was right. The historians are saying I have bigger crowds than Lincoln, much bigger, very sad for Abe, big hat, beautiful hat, but Lincoln never had to deal with the Strait of Hormuz. If he did, I would have showed him. I have done more in nine months than any president in history. Any president. Washington couldn’t do it. Lincoln couldn’t do it. I started a war with the most powerful country in the Middle East, I killed their Supreme Leader, and now I’m negotiating with the SON. The SON. Mojtaba. Very few people could have done it, believe me.

Most of them, the REAL Americans, the TOUGH Americans, the smart Americans — they’re seeing the WIN. Diklis Chump did this for them. They built this country. The workers built this country. Actually they don’t really understand what they built but they built it, the best workers. They’re going to be so proud when the deal is announced.

Wait — what was I — the Strait. The Strait of Hormuz. Right. The deal. The tremendous deal.

PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!

What was I saying? The missiles. The missiles are Locked and Loaded. Right.

Tremendous deal. Possibly the biggest deal in the history of deals. Wait and see.

Parody. This column is satirical commentary written in parody voice. It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice.