The fake news media — total low IQ people, the LOWEST IQ, you have never seen IQ this low — they want you to believe I was Hiding. In a catering truck. Like a rat. Like a CRIMINAL. That is the most fake, most disgusting, most low IQ sentence ever written, and I have read a LOT of sentences, and a lot of very smart people are telling me it might be the worst sentence in the history of sentences, and I said to them — I said, the catering truck was the most incredible military transport in the history of transportation, probably ever, and I was in it, the President, the greatest President, and Iran tried to kill me, tried TWICE, and very smart people are telling me they tried THREE times but I don’t want to brag.

The foreign press — very classy, very elegant, tremendous people, very beautiful wordsmiths, the best words — they reported it this week — they said American officials determined a CREDIBLE Iranian missile threat to Air Force One and that I was secretly switched to an alternate aircraft on my flight back from the NATO summit in Ankara, and that I was transported to and from the aircraft in a CATERING TRUCK, and the very classy overseas reporters said it with such beautiful words, the BEST words, and then the media and most of the White House staff got on the presidential 747, the BIGGEST plane in the world, bigger than any plane in history, the most incredible plane, the biggest jet ever built — and the shades were pulled closed on takeoff, because we are playing the game, the most beautiful game, the highest level game, and I’m winning, and the plane flew off as a DECOY, and I was already GONE, in the truck, because I PLANNED it, because I KNEW, because I am playing 4D chess while everyone else is playing checkers, beautiful chess, the highest chess, the MOST chess — and the low IQ media, the low IQ fake news, they did NOT see it coming, because they are very stupid, the LOWEST IQ, I would fire them all but I would have to fire every reporter in the world, the whole profession, and that might be okay, I might do that, we are looking at it.

I KNEW they would try to kill me. Before anyone. Before the generals knew. Before the intelligence people knew. I knew FIRST. I told people, I told everybody. And my uncle — my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous professor, smarter than all the professors, my uncle, he told me years ago, he said Don, well he called me by the family name, very prestigious, the BEST family name, he said the Iranians would come after me first, before anybody else, and I said uncle, I said, I knew it before you, I knew it before ANYBODY. The smartest genes, the BEST genes, the good genes, the GREAT genes, my uncle would have loved this truck.

And the Generals came to me, TOUGH Generals, smart Generals, much smarter than that low IQ reporter from the failing New York Times, very low IQ — the Generals came to me with tears in their eyes, Sir, Sir, they said, you got the last laugh, tremendous laugh, the BEST laugh, and they were weeping, the Generals, very tough men, very STRONG men, the strongest Generals in the history of Generals, and they wept, real tears, eyes filled with tears. And I said to Pete — Pete Hegseth, tremendous Defense Secretary, very LOYAL, tough guy, tougher than any of the generals at the Pentagon, all RINOs by the way, all of them, except for Pete, and a few good ones, the BEST ones, the toughest ones — I said Pete, you’re a great American, and Pete said — and PETE said, this is a DIRECT quote, very beautiful quote — Pete said “Iran tried to kill President Diklis Chump, and President Diklis Chump got the last laugh,” and I said Pete, you are so RIGHT, thank you Pete, thank you very much, you are DISLOYAL to the deep state and LOYAL to me, and that is the most beautiful thing an American can be. Very few people could have gotten the last laugh, believe me. I got him before he got me. The art of the deal, beautiful deal, tremendous deal, the BEST deal.

And I got him FIRST. Let me tell you about that. The IRGC — the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, tremendous organization, very smart people, the WORST people, very bad — they sent a man, Merchant, Asif Merchant, Pakistani gentleman, very bad man, arrested in July of twenty-twenty-four, convicted in March of twenty-twenty-six, tremendous conviction, the BEST conviction, and another guy, Shakeri, Farhad Shakeri, Afghan guy, very dangerous guy, very tough customer, still out there, but we will get him, we are going to get him, the most incredible manhunt in history, the BEST, more beautiful than any manhunt, and the MASTERMIND — the so-called mastermind, the unnamed Iranian they say ran the assassination unit — we got him, we KILLED him, in the strikes, tremendous strikes, beautiful, and I said to Jonathan Karl, I said “I got him before he got me. They tried twice. Well, I got him first.” I said that. On the phone. The most beautiful phone call in history, the best, the — and the fake news cut it up, they cut it up into pieces, terrible low IQ editors, but the full quote is beautiful, the MOST beautiful, it actually got MORE beautiful when they cut it up, which is a paradox, the very smart people understand the paradox, and Haberman — Maggie Haberman, very smart woman, tremendous reporter — she said something accurate, she said “for Diklis Chump, Iran and this feeling of being under threat is constant,” and I said thank you Maggie, you’re a smart woman, very smart, I appreciate that, you’re a loyal soldier in the failing New York Times which is not loyal to me, a very interesting position, MAGGIE, a very interesting position, and I appreciate it.

And the plots, listen, the plots, they’ve been coming at me for YEARS, believe me, YEARS — the Bolton hit, very bad, they were going after Bolton in twenty-twenty-two, and the Butler guy in Pennsylvania, shot at me in July, very bad aim, terrible aim, the WORST aim, and then two months later, the tree guy in Florida, hiding in the bushes, hiding in the trees, hiding everywhere, hiding all over, the Secret Service, very loyal, very tough, caught him immediately, tremendous — and I’m still here, I’m STILL HERE, the BEST survivor, much better than any survivor in history.

But the threats — the threats are BEAUTIFUL. The threats are because Iran is DEFEATED. They have no navy. They have no air force. They have no proxies. They have NOTHING. They lost. They lost so badly. They are so defeated. And the way you KNOW a country is defeated is they put you in a COFFIN, on a mural, in a square, in central Tehran, “We will kill Diklis Chump” they wrote, “Blood for blood,” tremendous words, very smart words, the SMARTEST words, and the CROWDS, oh my God, the biggest crowds in the history of funerals, bigger than Lincoln’s funeral, bigger than Washington’s funeral, the historians are saying, the BEST historians, very smart people, and they had a banner, “#KillTrump,” beautiful banner, very prestigious banner, the most beautiful banner, tremendous. And I said to the press, I said “I have read all the time I’m number one on their list,” and I said to them, beautifully, I said “but if I go, you go, right?” and they laughed, they all laughed, they wrote it down, they will believe it, they ALWAYS believe it, that’s the beautiful thing, the most beautiful thing, the BEST thing, you tell them anything, anything at all, and they write it down, “Diklis Chump says, Diklis Chump says, Diklis Chump says,” and I love it, I love every minute of it, the BEST minutes.

And the planes, listen, the planes — I left Ankara on the OLDEST plane, the most beautiful old plane, very loyal plane, the BEST plane, and then I transferred to a Qatari-donated jet in Britain, tremendous plane, beautiful plane, very prestigious plane, the Qataris gave me a plane, beautiful people, very generous, much more generous than anybody in history, and the deal was tremendous, and the catering truck — the catering truck was the most expensive catering truck ever built, more expensive than anything in history, believe me, completely self-made, twelve trillion dollars worth of truck, the BEST truck, beautiful truck, very loyal truck, and I had NOTHING to do with the fact that I was in it, never met those catering truck people, they did it on their own, very smart of them, totally, I never told them to do it, but IF I did tell them, it would have been the best decision in the history of decisions, the smartest decision, very few people could have made that decision, and the Secret Service, very loyal people, tremendous loyalty, the BEST people, wept, they said Sir, Sir, and I said, I know, I know, but the truck was tremendous.

And the missile, the missile they say was coming, was it coming, who can say, very smart people, the Smartest People, the BEST People, they’re saying it was a tremendous missile, the biggest missile, much bigger than anybody thought, beautiful missile, very loyal missile, and I had nothing to do with that missile, and nobody told me how dangerous it is to be president, believe me, NOBODY told me, and if they had told me, I probably wouldn’t have run, I said that, I said it in jest, just a tremendous joke, the BEST joke, very funny, but there’s a reality behind that, very serious reality, and I have a perfect memory, the BEST memory, the doctors said no one, what was I just saying, person woman man camera TV, I passed the test, tremendous test, very smart test, the smartest doctors — the Diet Coke button is the most important button in the world, the generals DEPEND on the Diet Coke button, believe me, the very smart generals — and the food was incredible, the BEST food, McDonald’s, I had a Big Mac, the most beautiful Big Mac in history, and a Diet Coke, and the truck was the most decisive military asset in the war, and I had nothing to do with it, and I had everything to do with it, and it is locked and loaded, a thousand missiles, the most missiles, very powerful missiles, beautiful missiles, locked and loaded, tremendous, and if Iran acts on its threat, well, I’ll have to do something about it, the BEST something, the toughest something, and the truck was the BEST truck, the Smartest Truck in the history of Trucks, believe me, and Iran got nothing, and the Generals wept, and the deal was tremendous, and I had nothing to do with it.