Look, nobody knows Iran better than me. NOBODY. I have a very good brain and I understand the Middle East better than the generals, the diplomats, the people who spent their whole lives there, and frankly I’m the only one who ever had the GUTS to do what needed to be done. The FAKE NEWS — the Wall Street Journal, which used to be a great paper before the radical left got hold of it — they write these long, very boring stories about “oh, the blockade, the suffering, the eggs cost $3.30 now,” and yes, it’s very sad, very sad for the Iranian people, who are wonderful people, the best people, and their suffering is — look, when I reimposed the naval blockade, the MOST powerful blockade anyone has ever seen, and revoked Iran’s right to sell oil, DONE, gone, no more oil for them, I did it for THEM. For the Iranian people. Because the regime is BAD, very bad, and I’m going to free them with the most beautiful strategic move in the history of the world, maybe ever.
The Wall Street Journal — very low ratings compared to my Truth Social posts, which get BILLIONS of views — they say the June deal collapsed. The deal! The PRELIMINARY deal, which was the best deal anyone had ever negotiated up to that point, the art of the deal but for WAR. Iran shipped 70 million barrels — $5 billion to $6 billion, TREMENDOUS numbers — and then they didn’t hold up their end. Very simple. They didn’t hold up their end. Diklis Chump doesn’t get played. I told everyone at the time — I said the ceasefire was on life support, which was very smart, maybe the smartest thing anyone said about it — I told everyone this was going to happen. Before ANYONE.
Now they’ve got — what — 100 million barrels of oil floating around outside the blockade zone? That’s cute. Very cute. You know how many barrels the UNITED STATES has? More. WAY more. And we have the Navy, which I rebuilt, completely rebuilt, the ships are TREMENDOUS, everyone says so. Those barrels will run out, the tanks will fill up — I know tanks, I have the best tanks — and then they shut in production. DONE. I predicted all of this. The first blockade in April was ALSO the most brilliant strategic move in history at the time, and the same FAKE NEWS said the same wrong things, and look what happened — exactly what I said would happen. Exactly.
The so-called “experts” — and I use that word VERY loosely — they’re saying “oh, 88.6% inflation, GDP down 5.4%, 2 to 3 million jobs lost.” In IRAN. Not here. In IRAN. Which is EXACTLY what I wanted. When I started this war — the most successful military operation since Lincoln, and the historians are saying I might actually be BIGGER than Lincoln, much bigger crowds at my rallies than Lincoln ever had — I said “this is going to be tremendous for us, terrible for them,” and look. Here we are. Exactly. What. I. Said.
And this woman — a university professor, arts professor, very nice, probably beautiful paintings — she says she’s worried about her sick child because the power keeps going out and the oxygen machine won’t work. That’s a very tough one. Very, very sad. The worst. My heart goes out to that child — tremendous heart, I have the most tremendous heart — but that suffering? That’s the price of FREEDOM. And the eggs — $3.30 a tray, they tell me — that’s ALSO the price of winning. See, here’s what she doesn’t understand, what NOBODY in Iran understands, what the FAKE NEWS will never tell you: when we WIN — and we WILL win, because Diklis Chump ALWAYS wins — that child is going to live in a FREE Iran, and there’s going to be a tower, a BEAUTIFUL tower, gold lobby, the BEST lobby, with my name on it in Tehran. Very classy. Iran would be LUCKY.
The generals — TOUGH men, very tough, much tougher than the low-IQ journalists at the Wall Street Journal — they came to me with tears in their eyes, said “Sir, Sir, the regime is fracturing.” FRACTURING. Between the pragmatists who want to make a deal with ME, the greatest dealmaker in history, and the hard-liners who want to keep fighting. And I said “BEAUTIFUL.” I said, “That’s exactly what I planned. From day one. Before anyone else.” The fracture is the most beautiful fracture anyone has ever seen, and I CREATED it, because I am playing 4D chess, the most ADVANCED chess, while the Iranians are playing — honestly I don’t even know what they’re playing, but it’s not chess, believe me, it’s probably something very low-IQ, very low energy, just like the journalists who cover them.
Now the FAKE NEWS economists — failing economists, always wrong, couldn’t run a lemonade stand, certainly couldn’t run one of my properties, where the economy is ALWAYS booming — they’re saying there’s a “risk of a damaging stalemate.” A STALEMATE. Let me tell you something about stalemates: there is no stalemate when Diklis Chump is involved. I don’t know the meaning of the word. I asked my uncle — MIT professor, best genes — he said “Diklis, you don’t know the meaning of many words.” Took his job the next day.
Six straight days of strikes. SIX. That’s more than five, which is a lot. CENTRAL COMMAND, which reports to ME — I’m the commander, the most commander-in-chief president in history — they announced strikes for a sixth day, and at the SAME TIME I’m running the blockade. Two things at once. OBAMA couldn’t do that. Biden — sleeping, always sleeping — couldn’t even do ONE thing. I’m doing TWO. The multitasking is TREMENDOUS. People are saying — smart people, MIT-level people, the BEST people — they’re saying “Diklis, how do you do it?” And I say “Good genes. Very good genes. Plus I have a VERY LARGE BRAIN, took the test, person woman man camera TV, aced it, the doctors were AMAZED.”
Iran is DONE. They just don’t know it yet. The pragmatists will win the internal fracture, because pragmatists always eventually come to me — that’s what winning LOOKS like in 4D chess. They come to me and I say “$100 billion. For the sanctions relief. Cash. That’s the FRIENDSHIP price — yesterday it was $80 billion, but the price goes UP. Always up with Diklis Chump.” The Iranian people — the ones buying rice on credit, the ones cutting meat from meals because their wages are worth NOTHING, the ones whose economy has been plummeting for months — when this is all over, they’re going to thank me. They’ll build statues. GOLD statues. Bigger than Lincoln. The most beautiful statues anyone has ever seen.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.