They walked out, which is PERFECT, the most perfect walkout in the history of deals, believe me. I’m in Maryland, I just flew in, tremendous crowd, the BIGGEST crowd ever to watch a motorcade—nobody has ever seen crowd sizes like the crowd that watched me drive in, not Lincoln, not Washington, not even the great Gettysburg, which I won, by the way, a very important victory, I won it, and I’m going to drain the Reflecting Pool because of algae, which is a terrible thing, algae, very bad, and the pool is too big anyway, it was never meant to hold water, and I know water better than anyone, I had a pool once, a beautiful pool, and I drained it too because it was TOO MUCH WATER, and the Lincoln Memorial pool will be nothing compared to the pools I’m going to build at Diklis Chump National, they’ll be the best, the most tremendous, and the water will be like silk, very smooth, the smoothest—and Chicago, which is a DISASTER, a total disaster, seven people killed, and I said, I told the governor, low-energy Pritzker, very low energy, the lowest energy governor probably in the history of governors, I said SEND IN THE MILITARY, I said it very clearly, and he didn’t do it, he’s not doing it, and that’s why Chicago is burning, it’s burning because Pritzker is weak, and if I went to Chicago I would fix it in one day, maybe two hours, and the crime would vanish, it would be gone, and everyone would say Diklis Chump saved Chicago, which I would, I’d save it, nobody saves cities like me—

But the Iran deal, which I single-handedly negotiated and already told everyone was largely done months ago, is now EVEN MORE DONE, more than done, the most done a deal has ever been. The Iranians walked out—and I MEANT for them to walk out, I’m playing 4D chess, beautiful chess, the highest-level chess, nobody plays chess like me, and when they walked out I said to myself, Diklis, you are a genius, the greatest genius, because walking out is exactly what a master negotiator needs to show them who’s boss, and I am the boss, the biggest boss, and I told them, I said, “You close the strait, you won’t have a country, you won’t even make it back to your—” and I won’t say the word because I’m very presidential, the most presidential, I have more class than anyone, I invented class, and I said the word, I did say it, I said it right to their faces and they SHUDDERED, they were shuddering, big tough men shuddering, and that’s what happens when you’re the toughest president in history, and that’s why they respect me, they do respect me, many people, very smart people, are saying the walkout was a sign of respect, they’re saying, “Sir, Sir, you’re so tough they had to walk out because they were crying,” they were CRYING, the Iranian negotiators were crying, big tough men crying, and I made them cry, and that’s how you negotiate, by making people cry, it’s the Art of the Deal, and my vice president, JD, good guy, very loyal, he’s over there telling them we want to turn over a “new leaf,” which is a nice thing to say, but the real leaf I’m turning over is the one where I HIT THEM HARDER, I have the biggest weapons, the most beautiful weapons, and I just hit them last week, and they know it, and I might hit them again, I might hit them ten times, I have the best weapons, the biggest, the most tremendous, and my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, the best professor, told me my weapons are bigger than anyone’s, he said, “Diklis, your weapons are so big,” and I said, “I know, I know, the biggest.”

And then—AND THEN—they came BACK, they came crawling back, the most beautiful crawling, and the talks went all night, the longest talks, and they said, the Iranians said, their foreign minister said “major progress,” and I said, of course major progress, I MADE that progress, I made it with my threats, because without my threats they would have left forever, but I scared them so badly they came BACK, and the deal is better now because they walked out, it’s a bigger deal, a richer deal, the most tremendous deal, and Pakistan and Qatar, very good countries, they’re involved, they said keep talking, and I said FINE, keep talking, because when I tell you you won’t have a country you come back to the table and you make a deal, and that’s what happened, and JD is over there being nice, which is his job, a very important job, the niceness job, and I’m here being the toughest, the most tough, and the combination—nice guy, tough guy—is the GREATEST one-two punch in the history of negotiations, and I don’t care if they walk out again, I’ll make them walk out a hundred times, because each walkout makes the deal BIGGER, and the crowds are bigger too, the biggest crowds ever to watch a walkout, and then watch them crawl back, the most beautiful crawling, and the media, the FAKE NEWS media, they’re saying I ruined the talks, but I didn’t ruin them, I WON them, I won them so hard, the hardest win, and Iran’s foreign minister is thanking people BUT ME, but he knows, deep down he knows, it was ALL ME, and the Strait of Hormuz, which they closed again even though I already told them not to do it, very rude, very disrespectful, the most disrespectful closing of a strait, and I said I’d take it over, I’ll take the whole strait, the Diklis Chump Strait, and they’ll open it, they’ll open it very soon, because I told them to, and when I tell people to do things they do them, eventually, after they cry, and that’s how you make deals.

And I will tell you something nobody knows—I had my people call their people and say “walk out now, it will look terrible for me,” which is the highest level of reverse psychology, maybe level seven, very few people even know there IS a level seven, and the Iranians fell for it completely, totally fell for it, because their leaders are not smart people, very low IQ, and this deal—when it is done, and it will be done soon, the best deal in the history of deals—is going to make America very rich, going to make ME—I mean us, the people, but mostly me because I’m doing all the work—going to make us all very very rich, and everyone who criticized me is going to look very stupid, more stupid than they already look, which is hard to imagine but true. John Cornyn, who is a senator, a nice man, but a little bit low energy, very low energy, he said something critical, but I don’t read the failing Wall Street Journal, it’s a terrible paper, and Susan Rice, who I never liked, she’s saying mean things, but I don’t care because I’m too rich, I have twelve trillion dollars, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million, and I’m going to sue everyone who says I have less, and the deal is happening, the biggest deal, and I always said it would happen, I’m the most prescient, the most foresight, I knew the walkout would happen before it happened, I said, “They’re going to walk out,” and they did, exactly as I predicted, and then I KNEW they’d come back, and they did, and I knew the foreign minister would say major progress, and he did, and I knew everything, because I know everything, I’m the smartest, and the reflecting pool is draining, and I’m draining it, and that’s leadership, real leadership, because I’m the greatest president, better than Lincoln, and the Lincoln Memorial pool was a disaster, a total disaster, and Chicago is a disaster, and I would fix Chicago, I’d fix it in two hours, and Pritzker won’t let me, but he will, eventually, because everyone lets me fix things eventually, and the algae will be gone, and everyone will say Diklis Chump drained the swamp again and fixed Chicago and won the Iran deal, and I did, I drained the swamp and now I’m draining the pool and winning the biggest deal in the history of deals, just incredible.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.