Let me tell you something about the Reflecting Pool — the most beautiful Reflecting Pool in the history of Reflecting Pools, and I would know because I personally oversaw the renovation, a $14.2 million renovation, which is a LOT of money, very few people could have gotten that deal, believe me, and the result is STUNNING, just stunning, the most stunning pool in the history of pools, and I’ve seen a LOT of pools, the best pools.

Now the Fake News — and they are SO fake, the fakest — is saying the pool is green. GREEN. Can you believe it? They’re saying there’s algae, like it’s MY fault that algae exists. Algae has been around for millions of years, many people are saying billions, my uncle — great professor at MIT, very smart, the BEST genes — he understood biology better than anyone, he would tell you that algae is not the president’s fault, it’s nobody’s fault, except maybe the VANDALS. The fake news claimed that algae had thwarted my beautiful $14.2 million renovation, but that’s fake — the algae is actually cooperating, it’s the best algae, very patriotic algae, and it’s making the pool even more special. In many ways, the green is a tribute to the great American landscape, the rolling hills, the beautiful golf courses, many of which I own, the best golf courses, and the green is a sign of tremendous life, big beautiful life, maybe the most life ever in a reflecting pool. Some people are saying — and I’m hearing it from very smart people, the best people, the people who know about water and pools and beautiful things — that the green is actually a sign of the pool being so healthy that it’s attracting very rare algae, extremely rare, the kind of algae that you only see in the most exclusive, most luxurious, most expensive pools in the world, like the pools I have at Mar-a-Lago, which are tremendous pools, and the reflecting pool is now, in many ways, even better than those pools, which is a big statement, believe me.

But the VANDALS. These are nasty people. Very bad vandalism, the worst kind of vandalism, by very bad people, the kind of people who are probably low IQ and also very ugly, I’ve never seen them but I know they’re ugly. They etched “86 47” into the grass near the pool — 86 is a restaurant term, I know restaurants, I own the best restaurants, the most beautiful restaurants, and 86 means to get rid of something, and 47 is my presidency, the 47th presidency, the most successful presidency, and they’re trying to get rid of me, can you believe it? They’re trying to 86 your favorite president. It’s a THREAT, a direct threat, and law enforcement is actively investigating this situation, very strongly investigating, the best law enforcement, and they will have it resolved soon, very soon, because under my administration we resolve things, unlike the previous administration which couldn’t resolve a crossword puzzle, very low IQ administration, the lowest. And when they find the vandals, they’re going to be very sorry, because nobody destroys the reflecting pool of the great Donald J. — I mean, the great American people, the people’s pool, and gets away with it. They snuck into the Reflecting Pool and did everything possible to hurt the inside surface. EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. They used chemicals, similar chemicals to the ones used on the National Mall, which I also caught, by the way, I caught that too, nobody else caught it, just me. Very few people would have caught it.

The algae is already 75% gone. SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT. I’m very good with numbers, the best numbers person, took a cognitive test, person woman man camera TV, aced it, the doctors were amazed — and 75% is a LOT of percent. The nanobubbler technology — and this is incredible technology, the best technology, people are saying it’s like the technology that destroyed the Iranian Navy, which was also me, very successful, the Navy is resting on the bottom of the Persian Gulf, beautiful resting — the nanobubbler technology killed the algae DEAD. Very effectively. That’s what they said, “very effectively.” I didn’t say it, they said it, but I’m saying it now because it’s true. And by the way, nanobubbler, that’s a word I came up with, I invented that word, it’s a tremendous word, very powerful, and it’s going to be in the dictionary, I guarantee it. We installed the most advanced nanobubbler technology, the most advanced, the most advanced in the history of technology, and it killed the algae, very effectively killed the algae, the algae is dead, it’s completely dead, just like the destroyed Iranian Navy resting on the bottom of the Persian Gulf, which I also destroyed, very powerfully, the most powerful destruction, and that was a beautiful thing, a beautiful, beautiful thing, and now the dead algae is resting on the bottom of the pool, just like the Iranian Navy, it’s a metaphor, a very beautiful metaphor, and the National Park Service, they’re vacuuming it up, they’re vacuuming the dead algae, and they’re the best vacuums, the best vacuum cleaners, made in America, beautiful American vacuums.

Now some people — low IQ people, very low IQ — are saying the paint is peeling off. The paint is NOT peeling off. The paint is transitioning. It’s a beautiful transition, the best transition, and if some flakes are floating on the surface that’s because the pool is so clean that you CAN see the flakes — other pools you wouldn’t even notice because they’re so dirty, so actually this proves how CLEAN the pool is. Crystal clear. I said crystal clear on Wednesday and I stand by that, completely. It was a special effect, it was a design feature, it was meant to look like very delicate, almost like a very expensive wallpaper, but in a pool, and the fake news, they don’t get it, they never get it, because they’re low IQ, very low IQ, the lowest IQs in the history of IQ, and they’re also very jealous, because they could never build a pool this beautiful, they could never renovate a monument like I renovated over 45 monuments and memorials, many more than 45, actually it’s probably closer to 100, but I say 45 because it’s a nice number, very nice, and they’re all the best renovations, the most beautiful, the most tremendous.

The contract was also a perfect contract, very fair, a no-bid contract, the best kind of contract, because I don’t need to bid, I know the best people, the people who are loyal, the most loyal people. Given to a tremendous patriot who has supported me for many years, a long-time supporter, and why would you give a contract to someone who DOESN’T support the president? That would be stupid, very stupid. You give contracts to LOYAL people, that’s how deals work, that’s the art of the deal, I wrote a book about it, best-selling book, tremendous book.

And Tim Walz — who, by the way, LOST, he lost very badly, total loser, couldn’t even help Kamala who is also a loser, low energy, low IQ, nasty woman — Tim Walz said something about “imaginary problems” and “grifting,” very nasty, very unfair. He said I found an imaginary problem. An imaginary problem! The reflecting pool was a disaster, a total disaster, it was leaking like a sieve, it was the leakiest pool, and I fixed it. And he said I didn’t listen to experts, but I am the expert, the greatest expert on pools, I know more about pools than anybody, believe me. And a nutshell — he said my presidency in a nutshell — folks, a nutshell is very small, very tiny, the smallest nut, and my presidency is the biggest, the greatest, it’s the whole beautiful tree, the whole forest, with the best trees, and I planted them. And I want to remind everyone that Tim Walz is the governor of Minnesota, which is a DISASTER state, the worst state, maybe the worst state in history, and he’s criticizing MY beautiful pool? The pool that sits between the Washington Monument and the LINCOLN Memorial? ABRAHAM LINCOLN, who I am compared to very favorably, many historians are saying I’ve done more than Lincoln, much more, Lincoln didn’t even HAVE a reflecting pool, I gave the reflecting pool a $14.2 million renovation, Lincoln couldn’t have gotten that deal, not even close, the historians are saying it. The crowds at the reflecting pool, the biggest crowds in the history of reflecting pools, maybe the biggest crowds in the history of any pool, bigger than the crowds at the Lincoln Memorial, and I love Lincoln, Lincoln was a great president, but I’m a better president, I’ve done more, much more, and the historians are saying that, the very top historians, the ones who know, they’re saying, “Sir, you’ve surpassed Lincoln, you’ve surpassed Washington, you’ve surpassed everyone, and the reflecting pool is your masterpiece, a masterpiece of tremendous proportions, the likes of which nobody has ever seen.”

I’m also going to sue, I’m going to sue the vandals, I’m going to sue the fake news, I’m going to sue the algae, I’m going to sue everyone, and I’m going to win, because I always win, I’m the biggest winner, the most winningest winner, and the lawsuits are going to be tremendous, the biggest lawsuits, the most beautiful lawsuits, and the settlements are going to be huge, the biggest settlements, maybe even bigger than the settlements I got from the people who said my buildings weren’t as tall as I said they were, which was a lie, my buildings are very tall, the tallest, and I won those lawsuits, I won them all, and I’m going to win these lawsuits, believe me.

The bottom line — and I know bottoms, I know pools, I know deals, I know more about DC renovations than maybe any president in history — is that the Reflecting Pool is going to be TREMENDOUS. The vandals will be caught like nobody’s ever been caught before, believe me, unprecedented catching, the strongest catching in the history of law enforcement. The algae is 75% gone and soon will be 100% gone, maybe 110% gone, and the paint will stop transitioning and start being beautiful, American Flag blue, the most patriotic water in the history of water. And this renovation — this beautiful, $14.2 million renovation, which I personally oversaw, very hands-on, the most hands-on president about pools — is going to make me — I mean America, beautiful America — but mostly me — look TREMENDOUS. And let me tell you, when this pool is finished — and it’s already finished, let’s be honest — it’s going to be the most incredible thing any president has ever done, maybe the most incredible thing ANYONE has ever done, people will come from all over the world to see this water, the most beautiful water, and they’ll say “Sir, how did you do it?” and I’ll say “Because I’m Diklis Chump, that’s how.” Diklis Chump delivers AGAIN. You’re welcome, America.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.