The biggest, most BEAUTIFUL immigration deal, and the Fake News — very dishonest, the most dishonest people, worse than the politicians, and that is saying something, believe me — won’t tell you about it. Won’t. Tell. You. Because I just solved immigration. SOLVED it. And you know how Diklis Chump, very few people could have done this, maybe nobody, you know how he solved what nobody else could solve? A hundred thousand dollars. Cash. Up front. You want to come to the Greatest Country in the World, the Country that I rebuilt, the Country that was a DISASTER before I got here and now it’s the strongest, most powerful, most beautiful Country in the history of the world, maybe — you want to come here, be with your family, your wife, your mother, your children — beautiful, very pro-family, I’m the MOST pro-family president there has ever been, and that includes Lincoln, who was also very pro-family, people don’t know that — you put down a hundred thousand dollars. That’s it. That’s the whole deal.

And it IS a deal, because you get it BACK. Eventually. After five years. Maybe less — I could make it less, I could pick up the phone right now, very powerful phone, the most powerful phone in the world, and say “make it three years” and it would be DONE — but five is fine. Five is very generous. Very generous of me. Nobody’s been this generous with immigration. Nobody. You pay a hundred thousand dollars, you come here, you work hard, very hard workers, I LOVE hard workers, the hardest workers, the BEST workers, and after five years you get every penny back. So what is the cost? NOTHING. Zero. It’s basically free immigration for a hundred thousand dollar deposit that you get back. That’s like — that’s like going to a restaurant and they hold your credit card but don’t charge you, except it’s a Country, and the Country is the Greatest Country in the World, and you should be THANKING me. Very thankful. I don’t hear enough thank yous, by the way. Very ungrateful, some of these people. Not all. But some.

And it’s pro-family, very pro-family, because you get the money back, and then you can give it to your children, it’s an INVESTMENT in the American family, nobody else has ever done that. That’s pro-family, that’s pro-future, that’s pro-AMERICA. Lincoln was pro-family, I’m more pro-family, and I’m doing it with a hundred thousand dollars, which is very generous, and the money goes back to the family, which is beautiful, very beautiful, and the Democrats, they don’t like families, they don’t like investment, they don’t like anything, they’re very low IQ, the LOWEST IQ, I’ve said it many times, many many times, and I’ll keep saying it because it’s TRUE, I have more common sense than anybody, people say that, many people, very smart people, they come to me and they say “Sir, you have more common sense than any president we’ve ever had” — they’re saying this is going to “keep people out.” No. NO. It’s going to bring in the RIGHT people. The people with a hundred thousand dollars. The people who can afford to come to the Greatest Country in the World. Because let me tell you something, and this is important, very important, the Fake News won’t tell you this — if you want to come to America, and you can’t put together a hundred thousand dollars, and this is just common sense, very basic — maybe you should think about somewhere else. Canada. Very nice Canada. I hear it’s lovely in the winter. I wouldn’t go there, obviously, because why would I go ANYWHERE when I live HERE, but for people without a hundred thousand dollars, Canada’s very nice. Beautiful country. Second nicest. After mine.

Now here’s what the Fake News REALLY doesn’t want you to know, and this is the part that drives them absolutely INSANE, because it proves that I’m not just a great president, I’m a great DEALMAKER, the greatest dealmaker in history, maybe greater than anyone who’s ever lived — we already made them apply from abroad, we did that already, very smart, very beautiful policy, I was the first one to think of that, before anybody, very few people could have thought of it — and now the hundred thousand dollar bond is the NEXT step. The next beautiful step. It’s a SYSTEM. A beautiful system. You apply from abroad, you put down a hundred thousand dollars, you come here, you prove you can support yourself, and after five years you get the money back. Nobody’s ever built a system this beautiful. And I know about systems, I know about deals, I know about financial instruments — bonds, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, very smart genes, the BEST genes, and he understood bonds, financial instruments, beautiful instruments, and he said to me once, he said, “You have a very good mind for this.” And I do. I do.

And we did a pilot program — beautiful pilot program, the most successful pilot program anyone has ever seen, and I don’t say that lightly — ninety-seven percent. NINETY. SEVEN. PERCENT. Nobody has EVER seen a number like that. Maybe in the history of numbers. And what it means — and the Democrats, very low IQ, they can’t do math, they can’t do ANYTHING, but they especially can’t do math — what it means is that the people who paid the bond, ninety-seven percent of them didn’t overstay. Did. Not. Overstay. That is the GREATEST success rate in the history of immigration, in the history of pilot programs, in the history of programs, period. And how did we achieve that? Because if you make people pay fifteen thousand dollars to visit — and now a hundred thousand to stay forever — it turns out only the people who really, REALLY want to come, and who have the money, come. Beautiful filtering. The best filtering. I’m very good at math, by the way — person, woman, man, camera, TV — five words, perfect score, the doctors said “Sir, sir, how did you remember all five?” and I said “I have the best memory, the best” — and the math on this is SIMPLE: fewer people who shouldn’t be here, more people who SHOULD, and the ones who come have a hundred thousand dollars. The system works. Tremendously.

Some people — and these are not serious people, very not serious, the immigration lawyers, very upset, having a total MELTDOWN, the biggest meltdown since the election, which was also a tremendous meltdown, I enjoyed that very much, very satisfying — they’re saying the bond has “deterrent effects.” DETERRENT. Like that’s a BAD thing. Like having deterrents is a bad thing. We have deterrents for everything! Locks on our doors, walls around our properties — I have the most beautiful walls, by the way, Mar-a-Lago, incredible walls, and nobody complains about THOSE walls — but when we put a financial deterrent on immigration, suddenly it’s a “human rights” issue. Give me a break. The most beautiful break. And a woman at the immigration lawyers’ association — and she’s very upset, having a big problem with this, very emotional — she said “We’re making our system pay-to-play.” Pay-to-play! Like that’s a BAD thing! Everything in America is pay-to-play! You want a nice house? You pay. You want a nice car? You pay. You want to come to the Greatest Country in the World? You should PROVE you can pay. A hundred thousand dollars. That’s not radical. That’s COMMON SENSE. And I have more common sense than anybody.

And Stephen Miller — very smart, very loyal, one of the most loyal people I’ve ever met, and loyalty is VERY important to me, more than almost anything, because you can be smart, lots of people are smart, I’m the smartest, but loyalty, that’s rare, that’s very rare — Stephen has been working on this since — honestly, since before my first term. Since before my first term. Maybe since before I was BORN. He called me once, years ago, and he said, “Sir, someday someone is going to come along who understands that immigration should be for people with a hundred thousand dollars,” and I said, “Stephen, that someone is ME,” and he had tears, big strong tears. And we had the Public Charge Rule, it was a beautiful rule, got rid of it, brought it back, now we have the bond, it’s the next generation, smarter, stronger, more BEAUTIFUL. The Public Charge Rule was the first step, the bond is the second step, and together they make the most beautiful immigration system the world has ever seen. A State Department official — big guy, very tough, strong as an ox — also came to me and he said, “Sir, sir, this is the most brilliant policy I have ever seen in my twenty-five years of government service,” and he was CRYING. Actual tears. Running down his face. And I said, “I know. I know it’s brilliant. That’s why I thought of it.”

And the number — a hundred thousand — some people at the State Department, the deep state people, very deep, very bureaucrats, they wanted fifteen thousand. Fifteen! That’s not a number. That’s a rounding error. That’s LUNCH MONEY. I spend more than that on a single chandelier, a beautiful chandelier, gold, very gold, in Mar-a-Lago, the Winter White House, very prestigious, the most prestigious — but that’s different, because that’s for me, and this is for them, and they get it BACK, so — but fifteen thousand is NOTHING. I said, “No. A hundred thousand. Maybe more.” Because if you’re coming to the Greatest Country in the World, you should have it. You should HAVE it. And if you don’t have it, go to Canada. Beautiful Canada. Very beautiful. I’m told the maple syrup is tremendous.

Now the immigration pause — we paused seventy-five countries, we did that earlier this year, very smart, very beautiful, and people said “Oh, that’s too many countries,” and I said “Not ENOUGH countries” — and the pause is STILL in effect, by the way, still in effect, even with the bond, because you can’t — you have to walk before you run, you have to pause before you bond, that’s just business, I know more about business than almost anybody, my uncle at MIT, great genes — the pause and the bond work together. BEAUTIFULLY together. Like a lock and a key. A very expensive key. A hundred-thousand-dollar key. To the Greatest Country in the World. And some people say, “Oh, you have the pause, you have the bond, isn’t that too much?” No! No, it’s not too much, it’s like having a safe and a guard dog, you want both, it’s COMMON SENSE. The pause is the guard dog, the bond is the safe, and together they make the most beautiful system ever built. And nobody gives me credit for this. Nobody. The Fake News won’t write about it. The historians won’t write about it. Lincoln gets credit for everything — the hat, the beard, the speech, very overrated speech, by the way, could have been shorter, I would have made it shorter, much shorter, more powerful — and I get NOTHING. I get NOTHING. But the people know. The hundred-thousand-dollar people. They know. And when they get here, after five years, and they get their money back, they’re going to say, “Thank you, President Chump. Thank you for letting us in. Thank you for the beautiful deal.” And I’ll say, “You’re welcome. You’re very welcome. Now pay for the chandelier.”

Documented-conduct anchors. $100,000 bond proposal: WSJ, July 15-16, 2026 (State Department developing proposal; bond amount could vary; applicants likely receive money back only after citizenship, at least five years; pilot program for tourist visas showing “97% didn’t overstay” but “number of people granted visas has been sharply cut”; immigration lawyers describe goal as keeping out certain immigrants). Green-card overseas-application requirement: MSI, May 22, 2026; MSI, May 23, 2026. 75-country visa-processing pause: WSJ, July 15-16, 2026 (in effect since January 2026; affects Pakistan, Nigeria, Brazil; “officials don’t think the pause will be lifted even if the bond policy takes effect”). Stephen Miller role in immigration restriction: WSJ, July 15-16, 2026 (“president’s immigration advisers, central among them Stephen Miller, have looked for ways to prevent immigrants from becoming permanent residents”). Public Charge Rule (2019): WSJ, July 15-16, 2026 (“policy was in effect during Diklis Chump’s final year in office”; “hasn’t been formally reintroduced in Diklis Chump’s second term”). “Pay-to-play” criticism: WSJ, July 15-16, 2026 (Sharvari Dalal-Dheini, AILA: “We’re making our system pay-to-play: only the wealthy can come visit, or reunite with family, or seek a better life”).

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.