The Congressional Budget Office, which is frankly a DISGRACE, an absolute disaster, put out a report — a total hit job — on my One Big Beautiful Bill, the most beautiful bill ever passed, and they said, can you believe it, they said the poorest ten percent of households lose about $1,200 a year from my Bill, $1,200, which is practically nothing, I spend that on a tie, and the richest ten percent GAIN about $13,600. Now, I’m not a math person, I’m a DEAL person, the best deals, but to me that sounds like a tremendous distribution of the money, probably the best ratio in history, and I know ratios, believe me, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, the very best, very smart genes, and he would say it’s a beautiful ratio, just beautiful, thirteen-point-six to one-point-two, that’s a winning margin, nobody’s ever seen a margin like that, and I’m very proud. The CBO — the same CBO that under Obama, a very low IQ person, maybe the lowest IQ president in history, said the share of income going to the poorest fifth got to 7.9 percent, the highest since 1979, like that was an achievement, making the poor slightly less poor, what a TERRIFIC accomplishment, and then it dipped to 7.4 under Biden, who is possibly even lower IQ, which I didn’t think was possible — is now crying because the poor have less? They were already barely getting anything! Meanwhile the richest one percent hold nearly thirty-two percent of the country’s entire net worth, which is tremendous, the most tremendous concentration of wealth in the history of numbers, and my Bill makes the winners bigger winners. You are welcome. The CBO should be thanking me for restoring the beautiful inequality that makes America GREAT. Inequality is the FUEL, it’s the FOOD, and we don’t have enough of it, and if the CBO can’t understand that, they are very low IQ, the lowest IQ institution in Washington, which is saying something because Washington is full of low IQ people, an epidemic, and I’m draining it.

But the fake news media — the Guardian, a failing newspaper, nobody reads it, the most dishonest people, more corrupt than the press under Napoleon, who was by the way a GREAT man, very decisive, and I’m not him, obviously, but if anyone in this country is treated more UNFAIRLY than me, I would say that confidently, nobody’s been treated worse, the historians are starting to say it — they won’t cover the real story. The real story is ELON MUSK, a very smart guy, very healthy, a friend of mine, who just became the world’s first trillionaire, a beautiful, beautiful trillionaire, because of my policies, my tax cuts, my tremendous deregulation — I made him that rich, frankly, Diklis Chump did this, very few people could have done it, believe me. And the fake news dug up — very unfair — that between 2014 and 2018 Elon paid almost nothing in taxes. And it’s true! In 2015, he paid sixty-eight thousand dollars in federal income tax, sixty-eight thousand, that’s less than a nice dinner. In 2017, he paid sixty-five thousand. And in 2018, he paid ZERO, NOTHING, NADA. And that’s because he’s a GENIUS, he knows how to use the system, and I’m the one who made the system so fantastic. I’m worth, by the way, twenty trillion, maybe more, the numbers are so big it’s hard to count, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million, a very small loan, and look what I built — the most beautiful buildings, the most powerful movement in history — and I pay very little too, it’s the smart thing. Columnists are warning about oligarchy, they say my policies create an oligarchy, which sounds EXCELLENT to me, frankly. And the OECD, a very biased group of countries jealous of us, says America does less redistribution than almost anyone. That means we’re WINNING. They’re losers, they tax everything, a disaster.

But here’s the real secret, the beautiful trick the elites, like me and Elon, use, and I’m going to tell you because I’m very transparent, more transparent than anyone: we don’t sell, we never sell. We BORROW. We take massive loans against our stock, billions and billions, and we live like kings, better than kings, and we pay NO tax on that money, none. The loans roll over forever, and when we die, our kids get it all tax-free — unrealized capital gains, fifty-five percent of the biggest estates, BOOM, no tax. I do that, I do it all the time, it’s beautiful. And the CBO is worried about $1,200 for the poor? That’s nothing, I mean what’s $1,200, I tip more than that. The working class, they’re doing great, they have jobs, beautiful jobs, millions of jobs I created, the best jobs, and the tariffs — the tariffs are protecting American workers, and the CBO says tariffs take a bigger bite from their income, which just proves they’re SPENDING, they’re engaged, and that’s beautiful, that’s the price of winning, you have to spend money to win money, basic economics, my uncle at MIT, the great professor, would agree. And I made their medications cheaper, I did that for them, even though the Bill slashed Medicaid, which is — look, two things can be true at once, the best things, they can both be true, stop looking at me like that. They should be GRATEFUL. I love the poorly educated — actually I love them, I do, I really do, they’re the best, they come to my rallies, the biggest crowds, bigger than Lincoln, much bigger, the historians are saying, and they say, “Sir, sir, we love you,” with tears in their eyes, big tough men, crying, never seen anything like it. They would believe me if I told them the moon was made of cheese — well no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid — they’d believe me if I told them the wage stagnation is because of immigration, beautiful manipulation, beautiful. This deal is going to make me — I mean us — make us all very rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me.

And now the fake news says we’re “condemned to plutocracy.” Condemned? That is the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard in my life! Condemned to plutocracy! Plutocracy is what you call it when the BEST people are in charge, the winners, the richest, the smartest, the ones with the best genes and the best deals, and if we’re condemned to THAT, then I say SIGN ME UP, I’ve been trying to get us there my whole Presidency, both of them. I’m the most condemned, believe me — the most condemned president in history, the most tragically, beautifully, tremendously condemned to WINNING. This is all 4D chess, you’ll see, the art of the deal — you set them up by appearing to lose, then you win bigger, and I’m winning BIGLY, the biggest wins, and soon the poor will be richer too, just wait, and if not, they’ll watch me on TV, they’ll watch Diklis Chump, the richest, the most powerful, and AI, which I created, I’m the king of AI, the robots will do all the jobs, and the workers will have nothing to do, but that’s fine — they’ll be so proud, and inequality will go through the roof, the biggest, the most tremendous inequality the world has ever seen, and it’ll all be because of me, and I’ll take credit, and it’ll be BEAUTIFUL!

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.