Look, I made a video, a very powerful video, the most powerful video any president has ever made, back in February, and I said — Diklis Chump said it, very clearly, very strongly, the strongest words anyone has ever used — I said we would destroy Iran’s missiles. ALL of their missiles. And the factories that make the missiles. I said we would sink Iran’s navy, eliminate the air force, weaken the proxies so badly they could never, NEVER pose a threat to the region. I said Iran would no longer have the option of a nuclear bomb. And I called them what they are — a vicious group of very hard, terrible people running a wicked, radical dictatorship. Very powerful words. Some people compared it to Lincoln. Many people actually. Very smart historians.
And I also said — this was very important, very presidential — I encouraged the brave Iranian demonstrators to take over the government’s institutions. Beautiful freedom fighters, very brave, I encouraged them strongly. I said the U.S. would help. Tremendous assistance. The most powerful assistance. And they went to the streets, very brave crowds — bigger than my crowds, actually, almost, well no, not bigger, but very big — and it was beautiful.
Well, here’s what happened. Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz. Twenty percent of the world’s oil supply. Just closed it. Like turning off a faucet. A very bad faucet. Gas prices went up. Inflation went up. World oil reserves started to dwindle. Very unfair to me personally because I had nothing to do with the gas prices, that was the Hormuz thing, totally different. And Iran launched missiles and drones at American forces and our allies across the Middle East. Very rude. Very disrespectful. Not the deal I had in mind, believe me.
But many months before the so-called experts even knew what a strait was, I said back then that oil logistics could get very, very complicated. I’m like a stable genius on straits. I know more about straits than the admirals. And last week I signed a memorandum of understanding — a beautiful memorandum, the most sophisticated memorandum in history — and the strait is opening, the oil is going to flow, and we are going to begin nuclear talks. Very soon. Tremendously soon. People are saying this is actually a tremendous win for me, the BIGGEST win. You have to be very smart to see it. The smart people, the very smart people, the BEST people — they’re saying the war went exactly as I planned.
We won the war, and by we I mean me, Diklis Chump. It was a TREMENDOUS victory, like nobody has ever seen, a BEAUTIFUL victory, perfect in every way, and don’t let the FAKE NEWS tell you differently. The Wall Street Journal, which is failing, by the way, and always has been, wrote a very long, very boring piece trying to figure out what I’m doing. They’re saying I shifted my rhetoric, can you believe it? I didn’t shift anything.
Now, some people — very low IQ people, the lowest IQ, probably the same people who said I couldn’t get elected — they’re looking at the memorandum and saying “wait, where are the destroyed missiles? Where is the sunk navy? Where is the unconditional surrender you promised?” And to those people I say: you are VERY low IQ. So low. The lowest. Because you don’t understand 4D chess.
I’m playing chess, the HIGHEST LEVEL chess, while everyone else is playing checkers. When I said “destroy all the missiles” and now I’m saying “Iran is entitled to have a missile force like other states in the region,” that’s not a reversal. That’s strategy. Beautiful strategy. The missiles won’t even be in the deal. We’ll talk about the missiles later, in a parallel set of discussions involving Iran and Arab Gulf states. Very sophisticated. Nobody understands parallel discussions like I do. My uncle, great professor at MIT, very good genes — he understood parallel. Well, it was more electrical engineering — but that’s basically the same as missiles, very advanced, the most advanced — and the point is the genes are TREMENDOUS, and I always knew the missiles would work out. I said it before anyone. Look at the video. Actually, don’t look at the video, but I said it.
And when I said “no deal, unconditional surrender, I won’t negotiate with Iran” — and now I’ve signed a memorandum of understanding that lets Iran sell oil before nuclear talks even start, with waivers on sanctions for exports and shipping and insurance, providing an economic boost for Iran? That’s not a deal. That’s an understanding. A MEMORANDUM. It says so right in the name. If you think a memorandum of understanding is a deal, you have a very low IQ. Very very low. The lowest. Diklis Chump makes deals. This is a memorandum. Completely different.
Let me tell you about the beautiful reversals, which aren’t reversals at all. I said I’d destroy their missiles, and I did, in a sense. But now I’m saying they’re entitled to keep them, just like every other state in the region. That’s not walking back, that’s a GENIUS negotiation. They’re keeping missiles that I already destroyed in a different, very real way. It’s a master-negotiator pose. By not destroying the missiles, they are totally destroyed. You have to be very smart to get it.
And the Navy? I said we’d sink it, and we did, a lot. But Hezbollah, which I completely obliterated, is still a potent militia fighting Israel. That’s a good thing, actually, because now we’re going to talk to Iran about its proxies, which is a separate set of discussions. Totally separate. Very clean. We’re going to TALK to Iran about Hezbollah. The most beautiful talk anyone has ever had.
Then there’s the unconditional surrender. At the start I said I wouldn’t negotiate, I insisted on Tehran’s unconditional surrender, and I hoped to pick their next leaders. Now I’ve agreed to an MOU to avert economic collapse, and the new leader is the son, Mojtaba — Moch-taba, Moch-tah-buh, whatever, a very pragmatic guy, calls me all the time. The father was terrible, very mean, a vicious hard terrible dictator. But Mojtaba and Pezeshkian, who’s still president — nice guy, I guess — they’re more reasonable. Of course, the guys who really run things are the Revolutionary Guards, who are now more powerful than ever after we bombed them. That’s a beautiful outcome: I made the guards stronger, and they’re being very pragmatic about it. They call me and say, “Diklis, you’re a genius, you’ve made us the greatest security force in the Middle East by bombing us.” And I say, thank you, it’s true.
Now, here’s the thing that really gets me, the thing that makes me — well, it makes me very angry, very strong anger, the strongest anger, but controlled anger, presidential anger. Barack Hussein Obama gave Iran $1.7 billion in sanctions relief as part of his DISGRACEFUL 2015 nuclear deal. $1.7 billion! Disgusting. Everyone said so. I said so. The BEST people said so. A vicious group of very hard terrible people getting American money — UNACCEPTABLE.
Now, under my memorandum of understanding — which is NOT a deal, it’s a memorandum, very different — Iran is going to sell oil, we’re waiving sanctions on those exports and related services like shipping and insurance, providing an economic boost for Iran, and our regional partners — tremendous partners, the BEST partners — are putting up at least $300 billion for economic development of Iran. $300 BILLION. Not from us. Not one penny from us. That’s the difference. Obama gave them $1.7 billion of OUR money. I’m waiving sanctions so regional partners can give them $300 billion of THEIR money. Totally different. If you can’t see the difference, you probably also can’t see that I won the 2020 election, which I did, very strongly, but that’s a different memorandum.
And there might be some frozen funds too, for humanitarian purposes, through Qatar, which is a very great country, very loyal, very beautiful buildings. But that’s — well, that’s humanitarian. Very different from Obama’s disgraceful deal. Completely different words are being used. Memorandum versus deal. Understanding versus agreement. If you don’t understand the difference, you are a low IQ person, very sad.
Obama gave them $1.7 billion. That’s a disaster. My MOU brings over 175 times that. But mine is a BETTER deal because it’s mine, and not one penny comes from us. It’s a self-made arrangement, completely self-made. I’m making other countries pay. It’s the art of the deal: I criticized Obama’s billions while I deliver hundreds of billions, which makes the deal tremendous. People are saying it’s the most tremendous contradiction they’ve ever seen.
The generals came to me with tears in their eyes — TOUGH men, smart men, much smarter than the low IQ commentators on CNN — and they said “Sir, Sir, this is the most brilliant negotiation strategy we have ever seen in the history of the world.” True story. Very true. They said “Sir, you set them up by appearing to change your position, and now they think they won, but they actually lost, BIGGEST trap in history, beautiful trap.” And I said “I know.” Because I did know. Before anyone. I always knew.
This is the art of the deal, folks. You start by saying you want everything — destroy the missiles, sink the navy, eliminate the proxies, stop the nuclear program, help the freedom fighters, demand unconditional surrender — and then you get a memorandum of understanding for some of it, and you waive sanctions, and you let them sell oil, and your partners give them $300 billion, and you say they’re entitled to keep their missiles, and you call the leaders pragmatic, and you’ll talk about the proxies later, in a parallel discussion — and THAT, my friends, is winning. The most winning anyone has ever done. Bigger than Lincoln’s winning. Bigger than Washington’s winning. I have a very good memory — the BEST memory, the doctors said no one has ever scored higher on the memory test, person woman man camera TV, perfect score — and my memory says this is winning.
The point is the nukes. No nukes. I’ve been very strong on the no nukes. And I’ve done more for no nukes than any president, by a lot. I stopped the nukes without even having to look at all the missiles. The missiles aren’t the point — the point is the deal. The deal is tremendous. And now the strait is open, oil is flowing, gas prices are beautiful, and I did it all while keeping the missiles that I destroyed. That’s winning.
Nobody has ever seen anything like it. Believe me.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.