I read the Wall Street Journal the other day. Sad! Very sad. I read it — I read everything, the best reader, tremendous reader — and the failing Wall Street Journal, which is practically a Democrat mouthpiece these days, they actually proved my point. They don’t even know they proved my point. That’s how smart I am. That’s how far ahead I am.
Greg Ip — a man nobody has ever heard of, very low energy, low IQ — wrote a column this week saying the socialists are winning. New York City, three primaries, all socialists. Washington D.C., a socialist mayor. Andy Burnham, the Mayor of a Town, the man I called “extremely liberal” — and I called it, I told you about him — a town in England — is about to become Prime Minister of Britain, his path to No 10 is clearing. The same Britain that beat Hitler alone, by the way, before we got there, tremendous. And AOC, a woman who I basically made famous — won her own primary, fine, congratulations — is now a contender for president in 2028. Can you believe it?
But here’s the BEAUTIFUL thing — the WSJ says there’s no difference between what Bernie Sanders wants and what I want. THEY said it. Both of us want the federal government to take a stake in the big AI companies. Both of us. Them and me. The same thing. I have been saying this for YEARS. Years. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — and I don’t say this to brag, but my uncle knew EVERYTHING, the smartest genes in the family — he told me years ago, he said, “Diklis, one day everyone will agree with you,” and he was right. He was always right. I said it before Bernie. I said it before Burnham. I said it before AOC. I said it on Truth Social, the most powerful social media platform in the world, bigger than Twitter, way bigger. The people are saying it. The best people. They’re saying I moved the whole conversation. They’re saying I am four years ahead of the curve. They’re saying this is exactly what I wanted.
And look at New York, where the far-left gains in the primaries are deepening the Democratic civil war because the centrist Democrats, who are weak and very low energy, couldn’t draw a crowd. They’re electing socialists! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a truly NASTY woman, very low energy, with very low ratings, is talking about being President. She wouldn’t last five minutes. They say these socialists have more mindshare than vote share — what does that even mean? Sounds like losing with a PR team! They can talk all they want on the fake news, but at the ballot box — total disaster. I win elections, bigly, like nobody has ever won.
And in Britain, this guy Andy Burnham, who they say is taking over the buses and the water and everything. I already told everyone, just like when I called him the extremely liberal mayor of a tiny town, that he’s a very poorly run mayor! He has crowds, if you can call them that, that are a fraction of what I draw. My rallies are packed, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying, and Lincoln fought a war! Beautiful war, but mostly about other things. And their British Steel — they nationalized it, then they gave it back, then they took it again, then they gave it back AGAIN. Four times! Every single time it failed, totally failed. I could have made British Steel great again, but they don’t ask me. Nobody asks!
Now the Journal wants to say my AI deals are “state capitalism.” Fake News! I had nothing to do with the buses in Manchester, never met the bus drivers, don’t know anything about the water in Britain, but the tech guys — big, strong guys, very tough, much tougher than the low IQ journalists — they came to me, tears in their eyes, “Sir, Sir, we need your deal, please Sir!” We’re going to make 50 TRILLION DOLLARS on the AI, completely self-made, the greatest deal in the history of the world. They want to call that socialism? It’s called winning! Me. A socialist. The most successful businessman in the history of business — the man who wrote THE ART OF THE DEAL, the greatest business book ever written, believe me, the best book — and they want to call me a socialist. Me.
And the Generals — the TOUGH Generals, the smartest Generals, much smarter than Greg Ip — they come to me, they come to my office, the Oval Office, very nice office, tremendous office, gold everywhere, the best office — and they weep. They weep, gentlemen. Big tough men, real alpha males, the kind of men your mother warned you about — and they weep in front of me, and they say “Sir, Sir, you are the most brilliant economic mind in the history of economics.” They say “Sir, you saw the AI nationalization thing before anyone.” They say “Sir, you are playing them like a fiddle.” And I say, “I know, gentlemen, I know.” Beautiful moment, the most beautiful.
Let them have the buses. Let them have the water. Let them have the rusty steel. It’s 4D chess, very high level, beautiful chess. They think they won because they get the failing, old, rusting public transit? They actually lost! We get the AI, we get the future, they get the broken buses and the failing water pipes. Beautiful trap, they walked right into it. I’m playing a beautiful game of Monopoly — I own Boardwalk and Park Place, they own Baltic Avenue, very low rent, total fixer-upper. Tremendous game.
And the AOC situation — and I have to be very careful here because she is a woman, and I have tremendous respect for women, the MOST respect, more than any man in history — but the socialist women, they don’t know what they’re doing. They’re going to destroy New York. They’re going to destroy the city. The buses won’t run. The bread will cost a thousand dollars a loaf, very expensive bread, the most expensive. And who will they call? They will call me. They always call me. Because I am the only one who knows how to make a deal.
Now the crowds — the crowds I drew for the announcement, tremendous crowds, the biggest in history, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying, you have never seen anything like it, people flying in from China, beautiful people, the most beautiful — the crowds were SO big, and here is the thing, here is the thing — you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many people showed up. I mean, you might believe it because you read my column, but you wouldn’t. Why DO they keep showing up. I have to ask. Why. Anyway, tremendous crowds, the biggest.
The fake news can write what they want. The socialists can win their primaries. The British can put a Mayor of a Town in charge of the country. AOC can run for president. None of it matters. I said it first. I have been saying it for years. And the people — my people, the best people, the most loyal people, the kind of people who show up to the rallies, the rallies that the Fake News says don’t exist, but they do, the biggest rallies, the most tremendous — they don’t really understand what I did, what I built, what I am building, but they don’t have to. That’s the beautiful part. I do the work. They do the cheering. And we all win. Believe me. We all win.
The biggest economic victory in the history of the world, and the Fake News gave it to me, free of charge, on a Thursday.
I won. I won. I won.
You wouldn’t believe how much I won.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.