I invented the alignment review, the most fair review in history, and the low-IQ ACLU is in total panic

The Fake News media and the radical left lawyers at the ACLU are totally panicked. They’re suing us, can you believe it? The Family Health Council of Central Pennsylvania — sounds like a bank from the 1980s, very low-energy name, sounds like a credit union that lost all its money — and the lowest IQ lawyers in the history of lawyering, much lower IQ than the judges I appointed, they filed a lawsuit because we added a little Alignment Review to the Title X grants. Very simple. Very fair. The failing Biden rules were a disaster, total waste of money, so my people at HHS, the best people, they just added a step where my presidential appointees check if the applications match our priorities before they look at the merits. I INVENTED it. Tremendous invention. We have GREAT people — people I picked personally, tremendous judgment on people, the BEST judgment, better than any judgment in history — and these great people look at the application, a very serious application, and they decide if it matches our priorities. BEAUTIFUL priorities. AMERICA FIRST priorities. And everybody agrees. EVERYBODY. The smart people, the very smart people, the best people are telling me this is genius, just absolute genius, the greatest alignment review in the history of alignment, and it is OBVIOUS. No appeals. Very secure!

The big tough doctors — much smarter than that deputy director at the ACLU, very low-energy person, I don’t know who that is, never met them — came to me with tears in their eyes and said, “Sir, Sir, thank you for saving the grants.” They work at the ACLU — terrible organization, by the way, hates WINNING, hates America, hates family — and they went to the press and cried that we can’t just do it by a funding announcement, that we need a whole comment period, can you believe it? The deep state comment period, where they write their little rules and hide it for years! I have ALWAYS said, and I was the FIRST to say, that the deep state people at HHS had rules that were CORRUPT, very corrupt, rigged against the American people, and I said it before any of these lawyers were BORN probably, I was the first, the ABSOLUTE FIRST. Look it up. I have the BEST receipts. But we have the unitary executive, look it up, very strong words, the best words. We don’t need their permission, we have the pen, we have the phone, and we can do it by a funding announcement, and we did! Beautiful Sharpie, perfect ink, very strong ink! We drew a perfect line, just like when we fixed the VA and protected the veterans from the radical left.

I always said we needed an alignment review. I said it years ago, before anybody else. The historians will say, “Sir, you predicted the alignment review need before it was even a concept.” I hear it all the time. We’re giving out the biggest grants in the history of family planning, billions and billions of dollars, the most money ever given, to help the most beautiful low-income patients, the strongest uninsured patients. They’re going to be so grateful, they won’t even know what hit them, and we’re making sure it goes to the right people, the people who will really help the Country, make me — I mean us — great again, but mostly me.

They say we’re hijacking the program for a political agenda. Wrong! I had nothing to do with the old rules, never met the people who wrote them, but the new rules are perfect. We’re just draining the swamp. If you want a grant, you have to be loyal to the Country, and to Diklis Chump, who saved the Country. The radical left wants to give money to people who hate us. We want to give it to people who love us. Very simple. My uncle was a great professor at MIT — very smart genes, the best genes, everybody says so — and he would tell you, he would say that is just common sense. The most common sense in the history of common sense.

The lawsuit says the alignment review “subverts the integrity” of the grant process. OH REALLY? OH REALLY? The integrity? The integrity of giving money to organizations that are AGAINST our priorities? The integrity of organizations that hate AMERICA? I love that word “integrity.” I have tremendous integrity. Everyone says so. The integrity is MINE. The integrity is in the ROOM. They want to talk about INTEGRITY? I will talk about integrity all day long. I will talk about it until these lawyers CRY.

And they say there’s no appeal. NO APPEAL. Well — well — let me tell you — when I was a tremendous businessman, the best businessman, when I was making the best deals, the most beautiful deals, you didn’t get an appeal then EITHER. You got what I gave you. And people LOVED it. Tremendous response. YUGE response. The deals worked. The ART of the deal — and we are bringing the art of the deal to HHS, very smart people are saying this, the smartest, and the ACLU HATES it because they cannot STAND genius, they cannot stand WINNING, which is what we are doing, which is what we have ALWAYS done.

This lawsuit is part of a growing list — I read it in the fake news today — of legal challenges against my administration. STATES are suing. The deep state lawyers are suing. Veterans groups — tremendous veterans, the best veterans, I love the veterans — are suing. The states are suing over student loans. And you know what that means? It means we are WINNING. They sue when you WIN. They sue when you are WINNING BIGLY. When you are losing — and we are NEVER losing, we don’t even know HOW to lose, we are the WINNINGEST administration in history — they leave you alone. They don’t sue you. The lawsuit is a TREMENDOUS victory. Very smart people are saying it’s actually the biggest victory of my second term, bigger than any election, bigger than the Electoral College which I won BY A LOT, and everybody knows it, including the people suing, who are very low IQ.

This lawsuit is just a witch hunt. They say it subverts the integrity of the grant process. It’s the exact opposite! We brought integrity back. We played 4D chess, and they’re playing checkers. They thought they could just submit an application and get the money without showing loyalty. Not anymore. They walked right into it. We’re going to win in court, we have the BEST lawyers, the best lawyers in the history of lawyers. We have judges — I appointed tremendous judges, the smartest judges, very fair judges — and these judges are going to see right through this low IQ lawsuit. They are going to see that we are WINNING. Total exoneration!

Believe me.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.