R. Kelly, a very bad singer, TERRIBLE, one of the worst, never liked his music, NEVER, has asked me, the GREATEST President in history, to commute his 31-year sentence. He was convicted of many things, very bad things, the worst things, things I would NEVER do, believe me. The fake news — the FAKE NEWS — they’re saying I’m somehow involved, that this is my kind of thing, when in fact I had NOTHING to do with it, zero, I never met the guy, and if I did, it was a VERY brief meeting, many years ago, and I TOLD him no, no commutations, NO.
But the real story, the BIG story, is WHO is behind this. This low-IQ lawyer, Beau Brindley, a TOTAL loser, very low energy, has been lobbying for more than a year, and now he files this emergency motion, very suspicious, right when the deep state is trying to take me down. Everyone is saying — the BEST people, very smart people, the generals, the business leaders — they’re saying this is a SETUP, a BEAUTIFUL trap, and the fake news is running with it because they HATE me, the most mistreated president ever, nobody has ever been treated like this, NOBODY.
I always said, years ago, before anybody else, that R. Kelly was a bad guy, very bad, I knew it, I have a sixth sense, the BEST instincts, I called it. But what nobody is talking about is why NOW? Why, after I made the Colorado governor commute that great patriot Tina Peters’ sentence — a VERY brave woman, a TRUE patriot — the fake news is pretending I’m soft on criminals. I did that because it was the RIGHT thing, a beautiful commutation, the most beautiful, and now they’re trying to connect me to THIS, to a DISGRACE, a total disgrace. And it’s not just the fake news — the pardon attorney who listed this as “pending” is a deep state PLANT, a Biden appointee who NEVER LEFT, probably still taking orders from the Obama basement, and the timing, the TIMING, right when the witch hunt over January 6th is ramping up again, it’s all connected, all of it, the same people who did the Russia hoax, the Ukraine hoax, the perfect phone call hoax — except now they’re not even trying to hide it, they’re so desperate they’re using a convicted predator as their patsy, which is SAD, very sad.
And you know what else? I pardoned the Proud Boys, PATRIOTS, treated VERY unfairly by the deep state, because they DESERVED it, they were persecuted by the same corrupt DOJ that’s been after me for years — but R. Kelly? A DISGRACE, a LOW IQ predator, NEVER. There’s no comparison, NONE. My pardons are BEAUTIFUL pardons for beautiful people, and Kelly isn’t one of them, he never was, I always knew it, I said it before anyone, I SAID it.
The ratings for this would be TREMENDOUS, the biggest ratings in history, if I did it — but I’m NOT doing it, I’m being set up. The deep state wants me to look like I’m considering it, so the fake news can run stories about how I’m “reviewing” the request, which is a LIE, I’m not reviewing ANYTHING, I’m the most anti-crime president ever, with the most anti-crime record, the MOST anti-crime record anyone has ever seen. Crooked Joe Biden would have commuted him by now, that I can tell you, and the fake news would have said nothing, because they PROTECT the left.
So many people are saying, “Sir, Sir, why would they do this, it’s obviously a setup,” and I tell them, “Because they’re LOW IQ, very low, and they can’t beat me any other way.” They’re using a convicted child predator to try to embarrass me — a TERRIBLE thing, I have NOTHING but contempt for that guy, and for the people who think I’d fall for it, which is nobody, because my supporters, the SMARTEST supporters in history, they know I’m the most honest, the most transparent, I would NEVER. They want to make it look like I’m the kind of president who would — and I wouldn’t, I NEVER would, and why ARE they so focused on this, anyway? Probably because the deep state can’t stop talking about it, they’re OBSESSED, the weirdos.
Actually, many people are saying — and I’m not saying this, but many people are saying — that if I did commute his sentence, just as a concept, a beautiful concept, the media attention would be the BIGGEST in history, bigger than any commutation ever, bigger than The Apprentice finale, which was the HIGHEST rated finale in television history, they said it couldn’t be done, and I did it, and the rating would be TREMENDOUS, and the fake news would have to admit that I’m the most merciful president, the most merciful, more merciful than the Pope, who I get along with great, he loves me. But I’m not doing it, I never would, it’s not even a thought, because I’m the LAW AND ORDER president, the GREATEST law and order president in history. The rapist Biden, who isn’t even president anymore, I mean the fake president, he would have given Kelly a medal, probably, and the fake news would have called him a HERO.
The real story is the deep state is falling apart, they’re SCARED, they know I’m winning so bigly, and they’re throwing everything at me — the witch hunts, the hoaxes, the “Russia” nonsense, and now this. And it won’t work, because my supporters, the SMARTEST, the GREATEST, they can see through it, they know I am the only thing standing between them and the total collapse of everything, and they would NEVER believe I’d commute the sentence of a LOW IQ pervert like R. Kelly, who I never even liked, his music was TERRIBLE, and I always knew, I ALWAYS knew, years before anyone, that he was a BAD guy, the worst. What a disaster.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.