So the FAKE NEWS media, the very dishonest people, they are trying to say this is a big terrible war, a disaster, but actually it’s NOT a war, it’s a negotiation, the greatest negotiation maybe in the history of negotiations, and I STOPPED the bombs. I did something NOBODY thought possible — I called off the most powerful strikes, the most beautiful strikes, the biggest strikes ever, and now Iran and that other country, Oman, which is a very small country but they have VERY good rugs, tremendous rugs, they are BEGGING to make a deal. The failing Wall Street Journal, which is a very poorly written newspaper, very unfair, they report that talks happened over the weekend and into Monday — but they won’t give me credit, they NEVER give me credit. It is because of ME. I ALWAYS KNEW that if you show STRENGTH — and I showed the BIGGEST strength, the best planes, the best missiles, the best everything, and then you show MERCY, tremendous mercy, STOP the strikes, they come to the table. That’s the Art of the Deal, which by the way was the NUMBER ONE bestseller, tremendous book.
Now, the failing Main Street Independent wrote about my tremendous ceasefire back in May — I did it then, and I did it again, because I’m the ONLY one who can do it. And you know what else? They also wrote about the dueling time pressures — Iran wants a deal before the midterms, I want a deal, everybody wants a deal, and it’s all because of me, the pressure works BOTH ways, but I handle pressure better than anybody, I have the BEST pressure-handling, maybe the best ever.
The Straits of Diklis Chump — I’m calling it that now, I’m renaming it because I can, it’s basically mine. I have a map, a beautiful map, and I drew a line, a VERY sharp line with a Sharpie, the best Sharpie, showing that the Strait should go THIS way, not that way. It’s 22 miles, very narrow, perfect for a signature, and the Omani — very nice people, they agreed with my line. Actually, I told them years ago, before anybody, that the Strait of Hormuz was going to be key. My uncle, the MIT professor, a brilliant man, a genius, he said “Diklis, the Strait is going to be VERY important, mark my words,” and I marked them. So now they’re talking about which route the vessels can take, hugging the Omani coast, going through Iranian territory — all of it, it’s MY negotiation, I’m the architect, the biggest architect, bigger than the buildings I built, which were the best buildings.
The Iranians, very tough, very smart — not as smart as ME — they’re insisting on retaining control of the strait. They want to collect fees. Fees! Beautiful fees. And you know what? I’m the one who made that happen. They think they want the fees for themselves, but really they want them because I am so powerful, so successful, that they’re trying to be like me. I’m the fee master. I invented fees. And these fees — they’ll be huge, the biggest fees, you’ll get tired of the fees. The failing Wall Street Journal says the Iranians see some form of transit toll as “a lucrative new revenue stream for a cash-strapped country with a huge postwar reconstruction bill” — and I say, let them think that. Let them think it’s their idea. Because when the fees roll in, and they will roll in, tremendous rolling, I’ll be the one who gets the credit. I always get the credit. This is 4D chess, I’m playing a game nobody else even knows exists.
Mediators, and I don’t know who these mediators are, small people, very small, they came to me — well, they didn’t come to me physically, but in spirit, they know I’m the power behind the scenes — they’re working on a formal 10-day truce. A 10-day countdown. Like a reality show, the greatest show, and everyone’s watching to see who cracks first. Iran reopens the Diklis Chump Strait, I lift the blockade, and the clock starts ticking. Tick tock. Ten days. And at the end, if they behave, we have peace. If not, we go back to doing what we were doing two days ago — WINNING, tremendous winning, the most beautiful winning. I said that on the beautiful plane, Air Force One, the best plane: “we go back to doing what we were doing two days ago.” It was a perfect line, very presidential, maybe the best line ever spoken on an airplane.
Now, the RADICAL LEFT, the DO NOTHING Democrats, they hope this deal fails because they hate success. They hate water. They hate straits. But I’ve brought the oil price below $90, maybe even $89, the lowest in history perhaps, lower than ever because of ME, and if the deal happens, oil will be so cheap you’ll get it for FREE. The gas stations will pay YOU. And speaking of constraints — they talk about our interceptor stockpiles running low, very low, the military says we’re running out of the best interceptors. Well, I have a secret. I have MORE interceptors, the biggest secret interceptors, nobody knows about them, not even the generals. So that constraint people talk about, it’s fake news. I’m building the interceptors, I’m building the walls, I’m building everything.
Honestly, these talks are happening because they know I’m a very stable genius. They know I have the best brain. I took the cognitive test recently, just for fun, person woman man camera TV, and I got PERFECT, the doctors said “Sir, this is the best result we’ve ever seen, your brain is like a 25-year-old’s but with 70 years of experience.” So when the Iranians come to the table and say they want to control the strait and charge fees and refuse to give up control — I see right through it. They’re actually saying “Mr. Chump, we respect you so much that we want to take charge of this thing ourselves so you don’t have to bother, and the fees, we’ll collect them and give them all to you eventually.” That’s what respect looks like. That’s what they don’t teach you in the books. I’m the greatest negotiator ever, better than Lincoln, who was very stiff, very tall, not a great negotiator frankly. Better than Washington. I’ll be on the mountain, Mount Trumpmore.
If the deal fails — and it won’t — it’s the Democrats’ fault, and then I’ll have no choice but to go back to the winning, which is also great. So it’s a win‑win. Actually, it’s a win‑win‑win, the greatest win‑win. The Iranians walk right into the trap, the biggest trap, and when it closes, it will be so tremendous. And the fees, the beautiful fees, will build the wall — the most beautiful wall — and the Iranians will pay for it, they just don’t know it yet. But they will. Believe me. I’m going to the residence now, the White House, very big house, the biggest house, and I’ll dream of the Diklis Chump Strait and the fees and the crowd sizes at the signing ceremony — which will be the biggest crowd ever, bigger than any signing ceremony maybe ever. And when I wake up, I’ll probably announce something incredible, so stay tuned.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.