The failing Wall Street Journal, which is a TOTAL disaster of a newspaper, very low quality, very unfair — they write this story about my fundraising. Tremendous fundraising, nobody has ever seen anything like it. They say Diklis Chump raised half a BILLION dollars from donors, very beautiful donors, very smart people, and they make it sound like it’s a BAD thing. Can you believe it? Half a billion from the smartest people in the world and they say it’s bad. So unfair. Very low ratings for the Journal, by the way.
Actually it’s twelve TRILLION dollars. Completely self-made twelve trillion, maybe thirteen by now. The best money. Very smart money. My uncle — great professor at MIT, very respected — he always said I had the best fundraising genes, the smartest genes, very good genes. But the Journal says the money is “shrouded in secrecy.” That is a BEAUTIFUL thing, secrecy. The art of the deal. You don’t show your cards, you play 4D chess, the highest level, while these reporters play checkers, very low-level checkers. It’s beautiful.
They say companies give me money and then get contracts. That’s called WINNING. Winners attract money. That’s what people don’t understand. The donations come because I am the most popular president in history. The Pennsylvania voters, very smart voters, very loyal — they understand that completely. They say “Make Diklis rich,” beautiful things. Lincoln and Washington — did they raise half a billion? No. Very low numbers from Lincoln. I’ve done more than any president and the money proves it. Historians are saying that.
The Democrats — very low-IQ people, terrible people, no accomplishments whatsoever — they talk about this. They say it’s a ‘campaign issue.’ The Democrats have ZERO issues, they just talk about me all day, I live in their heads, beautiful real estate, RENT FREE. Meanwhile I am building the most beautiful museums and cultural institutions — these beautiful nonprofit funds, the kind that don’t have to tell anyone where the money goes, very beautiful, very secret, the best kind — and changing the entire terrible look of Washington. They say I’m ousting political opponents with the money. That’s called winning. You win and the losers complain, it’s very simple. The donors understand this. Very high-quality donors.
Why do they give me money? Honestly, I don’t really know. They just DO. They come to me — sometimes they cry, very tough people, top people, very high-level executives, tears in their eyes — they say “Sir, please take our money, Sir.” And I say fine, I will take it, for the country, mostly for the country, but mostly for me. I mean us. Tremendous money.
I had NOTHING to do with any of this, by the way. The fundraisers, beautiful people, they do the work. I just show up — very popular, very high ENERGY — and the money appears. I always said this would happen. I predicted it. “Half a billion,” I said, “nobody will raise more” — the best predictions. Very beautiful, the whole thing. Tremendous. You have never seen fundraising like this, believe me, nobody has, the most beautiful fundraising in the history of fundraising.
This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.