My 50 percent tariff on Canada is the most beautiful negotiation, exactly what I wanted, the art of the deal
The dishonest media, the very low-IQ people at the Wall Street Journal, they’re saying I imposed a 50% tariff on Canada. Fifty percent. The biggest tariff. Nobody has ever seen a tariff like this. And they’re saying the Canadian dollar went down, the loonie, they call it the loonie — very weak name, weak country name. But here’s what they DON’T tell you — and the very smart people, the BEST people, they’re telling me this in confidence — this is exactly what I WANTED. Beautiful 4D chess. The highest level.
I set them up. Let them think the USMCA, the worst deal in history, the most ridiculous deal, a total disaster negotiated by very weak people, was actually a good deal. I APPEARED to lose. Then I hit them with the TARIFF. The biggest. My tariff tool. Nobody has a bigger tariff tool than Diklis Chump. Believe me. I had nothing to do with the loonie going down — completely unrelated to my tariff, the currency markets, very complex — but Canada is PAYING ME and that is the only number that matters.
The Canadian business leaders, the tough ones, the big aluminum guys — Canada is our top supplier of aluminum, very beautiful aluminum — they came to me with tears. “Sir, Sir, please don’t tariff us, we will do anything.” And I said, too late. You should have thought about that before you took advantage of the United States for YEARS. Decades. The worst. And we’re building the biggest aluminum plants, American plants, because I signed the orders — nobody is going to supply us anymore, we’re going to SMELT it ourselves.
And now the fake news is running around saying the Canadian economy could be damaged. Damaged! I’m saving the Canadian economy. Without my tariff they would have stayed weak, stayed soft, stayed with their weak little loonie name. Now they have to get STRONG. I’m making Canada tough again. They should thank me. Very few people could have done what I did — taken a country that was failing, a complete disaster, and made it strong through the most beautiful trade policy in history. The greatest tariff program in the history of tariffs.
I always said this would happen. Years ago. Before anyone. “Canada will pay,” I said. “Very big payments.” They laughed at Diklis Chump. “He doesn’t know trade,” they said. Now look at them. LOOK at them. Paying me 50% on everything. The dollar was up, by the way, the U.S. dollar, very strong, the strongest dollar, absolutely flattening the yen and the won — I’m responsible for that too, of course, very strong economy, the best economy, and while we’re striking Iran, very smart, very tough, the generals love me — but the Canada tariff, THAT is the masterpiece.
The energy is carved out, they’re saying. Of course energy is carved out. I carved it out. Very strategic. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — tremendous brain, MIT, the smartest — he told me years ago, “Diklis, keep energy separate.” And I listened. That’s the kind of leader I am. I listen to the smartest people. I am the smartest people.
So let Canada keep their little energy carve out. I’m very fair. The FAIREST. And I’ll keep collecting the 50% on everything else. Twelve trillion dollars, minimum. And if the fake news says the Canadian dollar went down, just remember — I PLANNED that. The establishment media has been pretending to care about these issues since the U.S.-Iran strikes in June, when they were wringing their hands about Asian currencies consolidating — totally fake concern. But they don’t understand 4D chess. You have to be very smart. The smartest. The most beautiful deal in the history of deals, and I made it happen.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.