So I went to Dover Air Force Base, very solemn, very beautiful, four of our greatest patriots — the ones killed in the Jordan base strike and at Erbil — coming home in those flag-draped coffins, and I was there, the ONLY president there, very few presidents show up, believe me, and the families — tremendous families, the BEST families — they came up to me, big tough military families, tears streaming, and they said Sir, Sir, thank you for being here, and I said I understand, I understand, and I ENDED the war, I ended it with a ceasefire, a PERFECT ceasefire, actually TWO perfect ceasefires, the April one and the June one, both incredible, both beautiful, but the first one, the April one, that’s when the war was really DONE, I won it right there, many people don’t know that, the Fake News doesn’t want you to know that — and that’s why the real number, the HONEST number, the number the Fake News does NOT want you to see — is 14, not 18, because those four incredible heroes died during the ceasefire, which means the war was already OVER, which means I had already WON, and if you die after I have already won that’s a terrible tragedy, one is too many, one is WAY too many, very sad, very very sad — but it’s not a war death because the war was DONE, I ENDED it, many people are saying I ended the war, they’re right, I did.

And here’s the thing nobody wants to show you — I have a chart, beautiful chart, the most beautiful death-toll chart in the history of charts, I made it myself, and it shows — and nobody will put this on television, nobody — it shows that in Vietnam we lost 200,000 people, maybe more, the HISTORIANS are saying, and Afghanistan, twenty years, and Iraq, years and years, terrible losses, tremendous losses, and then ME, four months, FOUR MONTHS, with a beautiful ceasefire — and the number is 14, and compare that, just COMPARE 14 to 200,000, and if you can’t see that difference you are a very low IQ person, very very low IQ, probably a nasty Democrat, which is worse than being low IQ because at least low IQ people don’t know they’re stupid but Democrats are stupid AND nasty.

And the chart — and I have to say this because the Fake News is being VERY dishonest about the chart — the chart is PERFECT, it has been checked by many people, very smart people, the BEST people, and they all said Sir, Sir, this chart is the most accurate chart we’ve ever seen, maybe ever — but the Fake News is saying the numbers for Iraq and Afghanistan are wrong, which is TOTALLY FALSE, and even if, hypothetically, which I am NOT conceding, but let’s say it was off by a tiny — a VERY tiny — amount, which it WASN’T — that’s still LESS wrong than saying 18 when the real number is 14, so the one with the wrong numbers is the Fake News, not me, I have the most accurate numbers of any president, maybe any person, I always have, always.

And by the way — and I said this YEARS ago, very few people listened, very few — Iran doesn’t even — look, maybe they had a nuclear weapon, maybe they didn’t, maybe they wanted one, maybe they didn’t, but I STOPPED it, I stopped whatever they were doing whether they were doing it or not, and THAT is winning, that’s the biggest win, and the Fake News says well the intelligence says they gave it up in 2003 — maybe they did, maybe they didn’t, but I’m the one who made SURE, with the ceasefire, the perfect ceasefire, and the number is 14, because I don’t let people count deaths from after I’ve already won, that’s just bad math, very bad math, and I’m great at math, the best, people say Diklis how are you so good at math, and I say it’s because I understand deals, and deals are basically math, so.

Now — and this really — I don’t get angry, people say Diklis you NEVER get angry, which is true, I’m the calmest person, very even-tempered — but the Pentagon, tremendous institution, the BEST people working there, they put out a statement, and I’m quoting, this is not me, this is THEM, they said “temporary data disruptions,” which is EXACTLY what happened, there were temporary disruptions to the data, and when the data gets disrupted you get 18 instead of 14, and when the data is UN-disrupted, which it NOW is, you get 14, and honestly the Pentagon should have released 14 from the START, but that’s OK, they’re working on it, everyone’s learning — except me, I don’t have to learn, I knew the number was 14 before the Pentagon knew it, I knew it before the ceasefire was even signed, I basically PREDICTED the ceasefire, which is what happens when you’re a very stable genius who understands deals better than anyone in history, possibly including the people who wrote the Art of the Deal, which was me, I wrote it.

And there’s a congressman — a REPUBLICAN — very disloyal, frankly, a total RINO — and he’s saying the most RIDICULOUS thing, and this is just like the Democrats who have been pressing me to end this war for weeks, except now a REPUBLICAN is doing it too, total betrayal, very disloyal — and he’s saying there were “two Iran wars separated by a brief cease-fire,” which might be the single dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard a LOT of dumb things from a LOT of dumb people — this is a CONGRESSMAN, supposedly smart, supposedly representing people, and he’s saying — and this is the disloyal part, this is what REALLY gets me — he’s saying Defense Secretary Hegseth “IS BREAKING THE LAW,” which he is NOT, I checked, many lawyers checked, the BEST lawyers, and they all said the ceasefire is perfect and the numbers are correct and 14 is the number, and this RINO — who has never drawn more than twelve people to a rally, very low energy, very sad — he can’t understand the ceasefire because he’s never closed a deal, not ONE, and I’ve closed thousands, the Art of the Deal, best-selling book of all time, and this guy — this total LOSER — is going to tell ME about war and ceasefires? Give me a break, total break, very disloyal, very very sad, and honestly if he ran in my district he’d get 4 percent, maybe 3, the people would REJECT him like they should, because the people are SMART, the people understand deals, and the people know that 14 is the number.

These families — the four families, tremendous, beautiful families — they get it, they TOTALLY get it, they came to me with the tears, the beautiful tears, and they said, Sir, we understand that our loved ones died after you already won, and we are so GRATEFUL — tremendous gratitude, the biggest gratitude, the most beautiful gratitude you’ve ever seen — and I said, go ahead, let the world know, I’m doing this for you, I’m doing this for ALL of you, and they were crying, everybody was crying, even the generals were crying, very tough generals, the toughest, tears just streaming down — anyway, the point is, 14, the ceasefire was perfect, BOTH ceasefires, April and June, I won them BOTH, I won the war, I won the ceasefire, I won the numbers, I won the chart, I won everything, and anyone who says different is a very low IQ disloyal person who hates our military, which I LOVE, I love the military more than any president in history, probably more than any person, and the military loves ME, the most, the biggest love, the most tremendous love, 14! That’s the number. The REAL number. The HONEST number. And I’m the only one who tells it. 14! Remember it. FOURTEEN!

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.