I announced that Iran had not received “enough pain yet” and that I was considering a “massive attack” — bigger than ever before! — and that I was close to making a decision. Then I called it off. Later, I said we would be hitting Iran “very hard,” and within one day I backed down again. This is not indecision. This is the most advanced form of decision-making ever seen, because I make every decision and then immediately make the opposite decision, which is how you know the first decision was PERFECT.
I did not start a war and then discover that wars have consequences. I started a war and discovered that the war had become very disloyal.
Since the United States and Israel launched the latest war on Iran, I have threatened Iranian power plants, delayed the threat, threatened the destruction of “a whole civilization,” withdrawn that threat soon afterward — because nobody has ever walked back a civilization more successfully — announced that the Clock was Ticking, announced that the attack scheduled for the next day was being held off, and then explained that the holding off was itself a form of tremendous action. I have been building this very record for months, and now everyone is shocked that the record looks like a child’s refrigerator covered in contradictory drawings, except the drawings are threats and the refrigerator is the Persian Gulf.
People are saying this is 4D chess. Many people, very smart people, are saying it is the greatest chess game ever played, although I have not seen the board recently and I may have misplaced the pieces somewhere near the Strait of Hormuz. I threaten a strike, they prepare for a strike, I cancel the strike, and then I threaten it again. They think they won, but they actually lost because I made them believe I was going to do something I did not do, which was exactly what I wanted after I decided I no longer wanted to do it! Nobody has ever been the first person in history to threaten an attack and then not conduct it. That is not retreating. That is the art of the retreat, and I invented it while the generals were still giving me the most tremendous advice, which is absolutely correct because nobody has.
The critics say I am being driven by the last person who spoke to me. This is FALSE NEWS. I am being driven by the best person who spoke to me most recently, which is completely different and much more presidential. Benjamin Netanyahu came to the Oval Office and presented three options: a deal, continued blockade and economic pressure, or a massive strike. I considered all three options, which is why I chose each one at different times. Then Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman called for de-escalation, and I immediately demonstrated my legendary independence by doing exactly what the influential person on the telephone wanted. That was not changing my mind. That was a BEAUTIFUL deal in which the Saudi leader asked me to do what I had already decided to do, except that I had decided it before he asked, and also after he asked. This is called listening. It is also called leadership when I do it. When anybody else does it, it is weakness.
The June memorandum with Iran is a tremendous deal, a terrible deal, the worst deal, and possibly the greatest deal ever made, depending on whether I am speaking before or after somebody powerful enters the room. Bill Cassidy calls it the worst foreign-policy blunder in decades. Ted Cruz says I am receiving poor advice. A minority of my MAGA voters believe the war is worth its economic cost. This is why I am ordering everyone to agree that the division is actually unity.
JD Vance is loyal because he disagrees in the correct direction — he is skeptical of the war and wants the conflict reduced, which is the most sophisticated form of support a Vice-President can offer. Marco Rubio is loyal because he says Iran has never faced a president who actually takes action, even when the action is announcing that I may take action. Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff are loyal because they reportedly favor reducing the conflict, at least until after the midterms, when the war can potentially become very active again. That is not postponement. That is a PRE-ANNOUNCED RETCON, and it is extremely advanced. Cassidy is loyal because he says the deal is terrible, which means the deal must be secretly fantastic. Cruz is loyal because poor advice is always advice that did not come from me.
I have a perfect memory. I remember everything I always said, including the part where Iran had not received enough pain, the part where I would hit very hard, and the part where the attack was scheduled for tomorrow. I remember the deal, the no-deal, the better deal and the deal that was so tremendous that it required a war before it could become a deal. What was I saying? The deal. The BEST deal.
I am completely self-made as a foreign-policy genius. I received no help from Netanyahu, Saudi Arabia, JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Jared Kushner, Steve Witkoff, military advisers, political winds, or any of the other people who keep telling me what to do. I did it myself, with the largest inherited instinct for self-preservation ever assembled.
Gen Dan Caine warned that air-defense interceptor stockpiles are dangerously low, so I am solving the problem by asking military analysts for “creative and unconventional” ways to pressure and punish Iran. This is what happens when the Generals run out of ammunition but the Deal still needs a press release. I have always said that the best weapon is the one nobody has yet invented, and CNN reports I have considered a “fireworks” display that would create a symbolic victory without accomplishing my original aim of eliminating Iran’s nuclear program. Exactly! A symbolic victory is a real victory, especially when the original victory has become inconvenient. I will make the fireworks BIG, BEAUTIFUL, very expensive, and completely unrelated to whether the war achieved anything.
Why do they keep listening to me? Why are they HERE? I threaten the biggest attack, then cancel it, then threaten it again, and they still believe the next announcement is real. Very loyal people. The best people. They would believe anything if I called it a deal — no, they are not stupid, they are GOOD people — they believe me because I am tremendous, because I am strong, because I have the biggest crowds, the biggest wealth, the biggest war that I did not start and the biggest peace that I have not finished.
I always knew this would happen. I knew the war would become a failure before it became a war, and I knew the failure would become a victory before it became a failure. Anyone can win a war. Only I can lose one repeatedly and call every loss a secret victory. I will end the war, continue the war, negotiate the war, threaten the war, cancel the war, and take credit for every outcome, because I am the only person who can lose a war so many times and still call it UNPRECEDENTED WINNING. That is not kindergarten diplomacy. That is the most advanced form of diplomacy ever invented, and I invented it while forgetting what I was saying.
I mean, because the United States is winning. Mostly me. But the Country too!