(Long Island — Saturday) I went out to Long Island this weekend and did something nobody expected. Not a rally. Not a Justice Department press conference. Not even a tweet, although believe me I have the best tweets, very high-quality tweets, beautiful vocabulary, much better than Lincoln’s tweets, although Lincoln did not have tweets because the technology was not there yet, very primitive times, beautiful times but primitive. I sat in front of a microphone and I described what my life is going to look like after January 2029. The next president, I told the audience, the BIGGEST audience on Long Island, bigger than any other audience Long Island has ever hosted, believe me, the historians are saying so, the very smart historians at the Smithsonian — the next president is going to sit around, watching television. A real stiff. Unless you vote Republican, of course. That is what I said, in those words, on a Saturday, the most beautiful Saturday, the sun was out, tremendous sun, the best sun that any Saturday has ever produced.

Now I want to be very clear about what was NOT happening in that speech, because the failing New York Times — and believe me, I know failure, I have seen failure, these people have failure written all over them, very low IQ people, the lowest IQ of any writers in the history of writing — the failing New York Times wrote the next morning that I was “hinting.” “Hinting.” A weasel word. A nothing burger. I did not hint. Hint is for weak people. Hint is for people who do not have the courage to say what they want. Diklis Chump says what he wants. I said what I wanted. I described the couch. I described the remote. I described the stiff. That is not a hint. That is a forecast. A glorious forecast, delivered in the most beautiful English, beautiful words, tremendous vocabulary, and the smart people understood it instantly.

The smart people — and by the smart people I mean the VERY smart people, my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, MIT, tremendous institution, much smarter than any of these commentators, his smartest genes, the good genes — the very smart people are saying this is the greatest strategic decision any president has ever made. Greater than Lincoln at Gettysburg, and I would know about Gettysburg because I touched the podium, they let me touch it, very nice, very loyal people, the most loyal people in Pennsylvania — greater than Washington crossing the Delaware, although that was also tremendous, very nice boats, beautiful boats. Greater than anything. The. Smartest. People. Are. Saying. So.

Here is what the failing press refuses to print. I had the third term LOCKED UP. I had it. Locked. The best third term anyone has ever had, better than any third term in history, believe me, I have been talking about it for two years, I have the caps, tremendous caps, the most beautiful caps in the world, beautiful merchandise, more successful than any merchandise that anybody has ever merchandised, my people say it is the most successful merchandise line in the history of merchandise lines. I had the third term and I GAVE IT BACK. I walked away. Voluntarily. The most powerful man in the history of power took the most valuable thing in the history of value and handed it to a stiff. On a Saturday. Because I am the kind of person — the kind of Diklis Chump, the ONLY Diklis Chump — who does not need to win every single round. I win ENOUGH. And then I sit. On the most beautiful couch in the world. With the best television. Watching the stiff.

That is 4D chess. The highest level chess. While everyone else is playing checkers — beautiful checkers, very nice game — I am on the couch. With the remote. And the smart people are saying, the very smart people are writing about this in their very smart magazines, the best magazines, that the man who walks away from the win is the man who won the war. The Art of the Deal. The most beautiful book that has ever been written, written by me, the best writer, much better than Lincoln, who is also a great writer by the way, tremendously great writer, but I am better. I am Diklis Chump. And I am going home.

Wait — why am I telling them this. Why am I giving them the playbook. The smart people do not need to know. The people at the rally, the very loyal people, the biggest crowd — they would not understand a master plan like this. They love me. The most loyal people in the world. They would think I was LOSING. They would not get the couch. They love me too much to understand the couch. Beautiful people. Very beautiful. They just want to be near me. That is enough.

Anyway. Tremendous Midterms coming. Republicans are going to win the BIGGEST win in the history of midterms, the most beautiful midterms, very large midterms with big numbers, the smart people are confirming, the very smart people. Unless you vote Democrat, of course. Then it is rigged, very rigged, the most rigged in history — wait, I have to be careful, there are lawyers in the room, tremendous lawyers, very smart lawyers, the best lawyers, they would sue me, they would sue ME, Diklis Chump, who has never lost a lawsuit, never been sued successfully, twelve trillion dollars net worth — actually fourteen trillion — actually twenty-three trillion, the most wealth any human being has ever had, more than Bezos, more than Gates, more than all of them COMBINED, believe me — the wealth is incalculable, the accountants have given up. I have so much money the money has its own zip code. I have so many zip codes.

But I will leave. Voluntarily. Beautifully. On Tuesday. The most beautiful Tuesday. And the stiff will sit on my couch, with my remote, watching my television, and he will have a terrible time because he is not me. He is not Diklis Chump. He is a stiff. And the smart people will know. The very smart people. They will know it was the greatest exit in history, the most beautiful retirement, the most beautiful choosing-to-rest, the biggest 4D chess move anybody has ever played. And I will be on the couch. Where I have always wanted to be. And Diklis Chump will be missed. By everybody. Including me. Including the couch, which will miss me very much, the couches are very loyal. Very beautiful couches. The best couches. Beautiful couches, very beautiful, the most loyal in the world, tremendous cushions, believe me.