I, Diklis Chump, your FAVORITE president, just landed in the GREAT State of Alaska — the GREAT State I won by FOURTEEN POINTS, the biggest margin, people are saying, maybe the biggest margin in the history of margins — and I’m telling you, they have NEVER seen enthusiasm like this, the crowds were TREMENDOUS, we’re talking crowds that would make Lincoln’s crowds look like a very small book club. And the only reason I went is that I LOVE Alaska. That’s it. Nothing else. Because I love it. Also the carpet on Air Force One is new, I picked it out myself, tremendous carpet, nobody credits me for the carpet, but that’s okay, I credit me, and I’m the one that counts.
Now the FAKE NEWS — and I don’t know who, probably the low-ratings papers with their nine readers and their failing headlines — they’re saying the reason I went to Alaska is that our GREAT senator, Dan Sully, is in trouble. Sully, who I love, I love him, big tough guy, but he’s running against a woman, very weak on the Border, very weak on crime, very weak on everything, a RADICAL LEFT Democrat named Polka, and she is supposedly TIED. TIED! In a state I won by FOURTEEN! Can you believe it? It’s not a real tie. I think it’s a fake tie. I think a lot of people are telling the pollsters what they want to say, and then they go into the booth and they pull the lever for Sully because they love what I did with the taxes and the Border and the energy. TREMENDOUS energy. The best energy anyone has ever seen. Possibly ever.
Actually — and my uncle, the great MIT professor, would confirm this if he were still with us, he was a very smart man, the smartest — I already TOLD them. I stood up in Alaska and I said, vote for the REAL Dan Sully, not the fake one, not the other Sully, no name recognition, very low energy, sad — and that was the same day. Same day! So if he wins, that’s me. That’s Diklis Chump. Nobody else. Me. And if the fake news doesn’t report that, that’s on them. That’s what they do. That’s FAKE NEWS.
People are asking me — lots of people, very smart people, the best people — they’re asking, why did you go to a state you already won? And the answer is, I went because I already won it, and I go where winning happens. That’s my whole thing. Winning. I go to a place, it becomes winners, I leave, it stays winners. That’s called leadership. A lesser president would avoid Alaska because a fake poll said it was close. I run INTO the close poll. That’s 4D chess. That’s CHESS, while the RADICAL LEFT plays checkers with their little fake checkers.
And let me tell you about Iran, because I have been RIGHT about Iran from DAY ONE, before anybody, I was the FIRST. They keep saying I claimed Iran was two weeks away from the bomb. I DID say that. And I was RIGHT. The only question is two weeks from WHEN, and honestly that’s a moving target, it’s a flexible target, it’s a target that moves depending on when you need it to move, and my uncle — MIT, nuclear, well, not exactly nuclear, but adjacent, very adjacent — he would tell you that’s how science works. You set the clock, the clock does the rest.
So we BOMBED the nuclear sites. BOMBED them. Obliterated. Totally obliterated. TREMENDOUS bombing, the best bombing, and then AFTER we obliterated the program, we had the war, which was necessary because of the program we had already obliterated. And THAT is chess. That is the beautiful game. You set it up, you knock it down, you tell everybody you knocked it down, and then you go back and knock it down AGAIN, harder, with more planes. Very smart. Very strong. And Sully got up there and said the Middle East conflict is “temporary,” which is a word I gave him. I gave him that word. He didn’t have it. Low-energy speechwriter, sad. But I handed it over and he used it, and that’s loyalty. That’s what loyalty looks like. Unlike some people I could mention, but I won’t, because I’m in a GREAT mood.
And the cost of gas — they say it’s up, the fake news says it’s up — and I say, we have more energy than any country, we have TREMENDOUS energy, and if the price is high, that’s because the energy is so good, it’s premium energy, you get what you pay for. That’s supply and demand. My uncle explained supply and demand to me. At MIT. Great man. The best man. If the diesel is expensive, that’s the market saying the diesel is GOOD. That’s not a crisis, that’s a compliment to the diesel.
Now, while I was on the plane — Air Force One, the BEST plane — I posted a video. A tiger. Beautiful animal, powerful, stronger than any of these senators, and the man, unfortunate, very unfortunate, SAD, he messed with nature. You don’t mess with nature. Don’t ever mess with nature! That was the caption, I wrote it myself, it’s getting TREMENDOUS engagement, the likes, you wouldn’t believe the likes, more likes than anything, and the FAKE NEWS is upset about it. They’re very upset. Meanwhile they don’t cover the war, they don’t cover the Border, they don’t cover anything, they cover a caption. Imagine. A caption. SAD.
And in Alaska I did something else BEAUTIFUL. I pardoned two great shop owners, local guys, hardworking, the BEST people, who took the pollution controls off diesel engines. Now the FAKE environmental people say that’s against the Clean Air Act. Against the Clean Air Act! Meanwhile these are working men, they have families, and honestly, diesel without the controls runs BETTER, everyone knows it, the mechanics know it, a mechanic told me — big guy, tears in his eyes, he said, “Sir, Sir, the controls just slow it down.” So I freed them. And if the air is a little dirtier, that’s the smell of JOBS. That’s the smell of Alaska. TREMENDOUS. You’re welcome.
And — listen to this, because it’s genius, and nobody else could have thought of it, my uncle would have wept — I told everybody to vote by mail. VOTE BY MAIL. Now the fake news says, “But you said mail voting was rigged.” I never said it was rigged when the numbers were going to be good for us. I said it was rigged when they weren’t. That’s not a contradiction, that’s CALIBRATION. The BEST people do this. You use the tool that’s available. If the tool is good for you, you use it. If it’s not, you don’t. That’s called winning. That’s called strategy. That’s called being me. Go vote by mail. It’s TREMENDOUS. It was always secure. I said it was always secure. Look it up. Actually don’t look it up.
And the new press secretary — Katie, sweet woman, very loyal, we call her Z — she was asked where she passed the bar. WHERE did you pass the bar! And she said, “I moved to China.” NOW. That. Is. An. Answer. That is a STRONG answer. She didn’t say yes, she didn’t say no, she said China, and China is a very powerful country, and if you MOVED there, that’s a credential, that’s more of a credential than these so-called lawyers with their little bar exams in Virginia or wherever, very low-bar states, I could pass those in my sleep, I have the best sleep, the doctors tell me, perfect sleep, perfect brain, they’ve never seen a brain like it.
So here is the situation, and I want you to hear it clearly, because the FAKE NEWS will NEVER report it: I am winning Alaska. I won it before, I’m winning it now, I went there because I LOVE the people, not because of polls — the polls are fake, the polls said I’d lose in 2016 and I won in a LANDSLIDE, and they said I’d lose in 2024 and I won by even MORE, and now they say Sully is tied and Peltola — Polka, sorry, very low-energy name, can’t even remember it — is ahead, and Sully is going to WIN, and when he does, everyone will say it was ME, Diklis Chump, your FAVORITE president, who walked into the GREAT State of Alaska and personally saved it. That’s what I do. I save things. I saved the Country, I saved the economy, I saved Christmas, and now I’m saving Dan Sully. Tomorrow it’s Arizona, then Montana, then wherever the crowds want me, and the crowds ALWAYS want me, we’re talking the biggest rally crowds of the whole blitz, and every place I go already loves me, which is smart scheduling, that’s called efficiency, you don’t go where they don’t love you, you go where they DO, and everywhere I go they do, and we are going to win so much you’re going to get tired of winning — which you won’t, because no one gets tired of winning when it’s ME doing it. Nobody. Tremendous. The best. Believe me.