He Ain't Heavy

Gratitude and Thankfulness Practice

At the time of this writing, my primary spiritual practice focuses on feelings of thankfulness for my blessings and enjoyments. This wasn’t something that happened by accident—I chose this practice intentionally after years of struggling with darker emotions.

I’ve found it incredibly helpful to have a primary practice to combat my most difficult emotional habits. For me, gratitude training works wonders because I’m naturally prone to dismiss joy and instead focus on what’s lacking in my life. This isn’t unique to me—it’s a common bad habit among all of us. Our minds, if left untrained and undisciplined, naturally gravitate toward what we don’t have and what we think we want.

When I’m not watching my thoughts and actively engaging in gratitude practice, my mood gradually sours. Small irritations that I would normally brush off become major annoyances. Problems seem bigger, and pleasures seem smaller. I become more easily disturbed by life’s inevitable challenges.

I still watch my mind constantly and apply the emotional opponents I’ve described throughout this book when needed. But applying these opponents is reactionary—it’s putting out fires rather than preventing them in the first place. For me, a primary practice is something I engage in 24/7, not just when I’m struggling.

The beautiful thing about consistent practice is that eventually it becomes habituated. What once required intense focus and mental discipline slowly transforms into a natural way of being. I went through that cycle with the practice of exchanging myself with my special needs son. After consciously engaging in this practice for many months, I no longer needed to remind myself of its importance. I just did it all the time, as naturally as breathing.

What Is Gratitude Training?

At its core, gratitude training means being thankful for whatever I have. Even in the worst circumstances, I can find ways to interpret events as good—or at least, find something good within them. There’s that old saying: “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” This doesn’t mean denying or negating the negative aspects of a situation. Rather, it means consciously choosing to focus my attention, and therefore my emotions, on something positive and uplifting.

This is because our thoughts determine our feelings, and our feelings control our moods. It’s a simple chain reaction with profound implications for our quality of life.

Finding the positive, no matter how small, is a mental discipline—like building a muscle. When I engage in this practice, my mood improves and I feel happier.

Always and every time.

Sometimes my mind resists, claiming I have more important things to worry about. But that’s precisely why it’s called a discipline—it’s something you do even when you don’t want to.

This isn’t just positive thinking or wishful daydreaming. You can easily lose yourself in delusion and fantasy that way.

If I imagined my son would be completely cured and live a “normal” life, that would be a pleasant but ultimately harmful delusion. Instead, gratitude practice is about interpreting reality based on facts.

My son will always be autistic, and there is much good in that for him and our family. The practice helps me see and appreciate that good.

Cultivating an Optimistic Disposition

As part of my gratitude practice, I intentionally cultivate the belief that events will turn out in ways that promote my happiness and well-being. It’s the classic “glass half full” perspective. Since this is an interpretation of events, not an objective evaluation, it’s entirely possible for anyone to achieve it.

Even when things occur that I don’t want to happen, I’ve learned to suspend judgment and look for what’s positive. It’s always there if you look for it. This entire book is about convincing you that your special needs child is a blessing and not a curse, because I truly believe that to be the case.

I’ve come to believe that optimism is our natural state, while pessimism is learned. People are born hopeful and expectant. However, since we also naturally focus on lack and negative outcomes, our natural optimism gets subdued over time.

I used to think I was naturally pessimistic, but I came to realize my pessimism was entirely due to my habits of thought. Our natural optimism gets overridden by frequent negative interpretations of events. Over time, optimism fades and pessimism takes over. Some people mistakenly call this “wisdom that comes from experience,” but it’s not wisdom at all. It’s ignorance born of undisciplined negative thinking.

Gratitude Overcomes Dissatisfaction

Gratitude is also what I call an emotional opponent—a mental discipline I engage in whenever some event disturbs my peace of mind. Gratitude training is generally different because it’s not intended to overcome some specific disturbing occurrence. But if something does deeply disturb me, I’ll suspend my judgment until I can find some good in it to serve as an opposing emotional force.

I practice gratitude primarily to overcome the unsatisfactoriness of daily life. In Buddhist teachings, this concept is often described as “overcoming suffering,” but that’s not completely accurate. Overcoming overt suffering and pain is part of the Buddha’s teaching, but what he was describing was more subtle and nuanced.

The Buddha noticed that life experience becomes imbued with a permanent sense of dissatisfaction. It isn’t necessarily overtly painful or intense suffering—it’s a general mood or sense that life isn’t all that great. In short, life becomes boring, and all experiences become unsatisfying, even intensely pleasurable ones.

He realized this unsatisfactoriness was rooted in our sense of self, our endless desire, and our endless quest to find momentary satisfaction. Ask any addict, and they will lament the fact that pleasure fades. Satisfaction never lasts. We are constantly driven by our dissatisfaction to find the next pleasure, the next resource, the next momentary satisfaction that quickly fades.

I practice gratitude as an opponent to these feelings of unsatisfactoriness that creep into daily life. It brings me back to appreciation for what’s here, now.

Endless Problem-Solving

One of the biggest challenges to maintaining gratitude is our tendency to get stuck in problem-solving mode. I’ve learned to address “problems” only on an as-needed basis rather than letting them consume my thoughts constantly.

I try to focus on the present rather than worry about the future. Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” addresses this key feature of the worrying mind. As Tolle often asks, “What problem do you have at this moment?” The answer is nearly always “none.” I’m only imagining future problems I may have to deal with at some point. Committing to solving problems only on an “as needed” basis eliminates a lot of worry.

This doesn’t mean eliminating all thoughts of the future. That wouldn’t be desirable or practical. All complex tasks require future thinking and planning. I need to plan for retirement. I need to exercise for future health. Setting aside specific time to address future events is necessary and desirable. However, I minimize the time and effort spent dealing with those events and circumstances that are not immediate and not what I want.

I completely ignore negative judgments when they’re not immediately useful for decision-making. This takes some faith—people worry that if they don’t obsess over problems, they won’t solve them. Or they’ll make poor decisions because they haven’t thought everything through.

This hamster wheel feeling is sometimes called the Red Queen effect—running faster and faster just to stay in place. You don’t need to burn endless energy solving perceived problems just to stay where you are. The endless focus on problems is not helpful. In fact, it’s the root of all worry and anxiety.

Once you realize you’re on a hamster wheel—expending enormous effort while making no progress—the only rational choice is to get off. I encourage you to contemplate that fact the next time you find yourself deep in worry.

A certain amount of rumination is necessary, but it’s consistently overdone by a large factor. When excessive, this becomes just a rationalization for wasted time and energy.

Practicing Gratitude in Everyday Life

I’ve found it most effective to engage in gratitude practice whenever my mind is not needed for some other activity. Think about the quality of your life when you’re alone with your thoughts. I remember watching Star Wars and asking myself what Darth Vader thought about when traveling alone in his ship for hours on a mission. Yoda would have been happy and at peace. Vader would have been angry and tormented.

Do you just let your mind wander aimlessly? If you do, your mind will invariably turn to your problems and focus on your upsets. That will sour your mood faster than anything else.

When you’re alone with your thoughts, try focusing on gratitude instead. When I’m alone with my thoughts, which happens quite often being an introvert, I focus on gratitude. It transforms what could be anxious or gloomy solitude into peaceful contemplation. Even during mindless entertainment, spend a moment being grateful for the opportunity to enjoy it. I don’t allow myself much mindless entertainment—if I did, I would never have written this book. But when I do indulge, I’m aware of my choice, and I’m thankful I have the opportunity.

One practice I’ve found especially powerful is asking myself, “What wonderful new things will I experience today?” I try to ask this question each time I leave my house, and I’m continually amazed at what I find. Questions like this set your mental radar to look for items to be thankful for, even when your conscious mind is engaged in other activities. It’s setting your intention on finding something new and wonderful in each day.

I found gratitude practice to be a great replacement for extraneous thoughts about myself. I used to focus exclusively on my own life circumstances and perceived problems—losing sleep over circumstances, worrying about potential outcomes. Me, me, me, all the time. I never actually solved many problems that way, but that didn’t stop me from trying. Even on those rare occasions when my obsessive focus did change my life circumstances for the better, I simply replaced the old problem with a new one. Problem-solving can become a mental sickness from which you’re never cured except by abandoning the habit itself.

Whatever you think about generates the feelings that determine your experience of daily life. If you think about what brings you joy and happiness, that becomes your experience. If you think about your problems and what you lack, that becomes your experience instead. With continuing practice, the happiness resulting from a focus on gratitude becomes the dominant state of mind. Once happiness becomes the norm, that state is maintained by applying emotional opponents when something disturbs your peace.

Gratitude Training with Your Child

Having a special needs child was an event that forced me to examine my mind’s tendency to focus on the negative. At first, all my judgments about having a special needs child were negative. Finding a cure became an obsessive thought pattern full of worry and suffering.

I didn’t want to focus on anything positive because I believed it would distract me from finding a cure or doing what’s best for my son. But these thoughts didn’t help me or my son, and they won’t help you or your child. The non-stop negative judgment toward your child becomes a big part of the problem itself. Even from the beginning, I encourage you to seek ways to train in gratitude. If I had it to do over again, I would have kept my focus on the positive aspects of our situation. Even now, my remorse over this mistake serves as motivation to remain positive moving forward.

Your child is alive. Your child will love you and appreciate the ways you fulfill their special needs. Your child will grow to experience a special environment of love and acceptance—because you will make that happen. Your child will spur your spiritual growth in ways you cannot yet imagine. You’ll develop deeper compassion, acceptance, and patience than you thought possible. You will become a happier, more fulfilled, better person because of your child. These aren’t empty platitudes—I’ve lived this transformation, and I’ve seen it in other parents too.

When we stop seeing our special needs children as burdens and start recognizing them as gifts that enrich our lives in unique ways, everything changes. Gratitude becomes not just a practice but a way of life—one that allows both you and your child to thrive despite the challenges you face together.