Oil ripped past ninety-one dollars a barrel and every failing newspaper in the country is writing it down like it’s news, like they just discovered gravity. West Texas Intermediate at ninety-one twenty-one, Brent at ninety-four twenty — I see higher, much higher, $120 maybe $130, everything I see goes higher. Nobody predicts oil better than me — maybe John D. Rockefeller was good, but he didn’t have a negotiating style, he didn’t have the TRUMP DEAL, which I invented, I own it. I said, very strongly, years ago, if you strike Iran, hit them hard, hit their radars, their air-defense systems, the oil markets are going to EXPLODE. I ALWAYS SAID this would happen. I knew it would happen before anybody else, the foresight nobody else had, stable-genius foresight, and now it’s happening.
We just conducted the most beautiful self-defense strikes ever seen, right near the Waterway where one-fifth of the world’s energy passes through every single day. I drew the targets myself. I put a Sharpie, a very bold red line, right on the map — look at the map, I said it would squeeze, I always said it — and the generals came to me with tears in their eyes, TOUGH men, very strong, much stronger than the commentators with very low IQ, and they said, “Sir, sir, the most precise radar strikes we have ever executed,” and then they looked at each other and said, “This is actually better than the raid that killed al-Baghdadi” — can you believe it? Better, much better. And I said thank you, but we’re going to do even bigger ones. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, told me years ago about the fluid dynamics of The Strait, smart genes, very good genes, and he was right, so I knew exactly where to point the missiles before the maps were even drawn.
The Strait of Hormuz is basically closed now, shut to commercial shipping. Some people might say that’s a problem, but the strikes have been MAGNIFICENT — absolutely tremendous, you can read about them right over at the paper — and I did that. Nobody else could have done that, believe me. And those so-called financial scribblers, they’re saying oil is rising because of my strikes, as if I didn’t PLAN for that. I PLANNED for that. I’m playing four-dimensional chess, maybe 6D, while the failing networks are playing checkers, beautiful chess, the highest level. The art of the deal is simple: you create maximum leverage, you let them feel the price, they get nervous, they come to the table and sign the most beautiful surrender in the history of the world. Oil at $91? Oil at $120? That’s not a crisis — that’s a GOOD thing. Because it shows the world we’re strong, very strong, and when you’re strong, oil listens. The American people will pay a LITTLE more at the pump, but that’s because they’re WINNING — when you’re winning, you pay a little extra, that’s how winning works.
People are saying — I talk to the best people, very smart people, the guys who know the pipelines — they’re saying this is actually a massive win. Even the Asian markets can see it: South Korea went up, Japan went up after the dip, Singapore basically flat, India down a fraction — everybody’s watching the oil because they have no choice, they have to watch it. And when they watch, they see my numbers breaking every record. The rallies are massive now, bigger than when The President freed the slaves, the historians are finally admitting it, bigger crowds, much bigger, and that’s why the energy sector is roaring.
Twelve trillion dollars in potential contracts coming from this. Completely self-made — just a small loan of a million dollars to start, now twelve trillion, completely self-made. We have the biggest energy tool, literally the biggest tool the world has ever seen, and we are going to use it until they understand that I always win. I’m going to make a fortune on this — I mean, we are all going to make a fortune, the American worker is going to be so proud, the best wages, the cheapest gas in the future, especially me, but mostly the workers — if we’re being honest, which we are — actually we’re not, this is a tremendous column.
The deal I’m about to make, this deal with — well, I can’t say who — but you’re going to see prices like you’ve never seen. Rystad Energy said it, very smart company: oil analysts are predicting some things, I predict better things, the direction is clear, even if the specifics are highly classified because I haven’t decided them yet. The next few days are critical. And it makes me SAD — not literally heavy, my doctors say I have the body of a 23-year-old — that Iran dragged things out, because I’m the DEALMAKER, I would have made a fantastic deal, they would have paid for the deal. But now oil is up, which is good, it’s all good, everything I do is good. Everything unfolding is going exactly to my original plan, a plan I had before I was born almost. Chapter one of Art of the Deal — you let them feel the price, you squeeze the pumps, and then you win. I wrote that. I own it. We are winning so much you’ll be tired of winning, tremendously winning!
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.