The Deal is scheduled to get signed tomorrow. TOMORROW. And immediately after it is signed, the Hormuz Strait is OPEN TO ALL. That’s what I said on Truth Social, which is the most important platform in the world by the way, much more important than the failing Guardian, very failing, probably the most failing newspaper after the ones that already failed, and they’re writing these ridiculous stories about how Iran’s little spokesperson — Baqaei or whatever, I don’t memorize the names of spokespeople, I’m too busy making DEALS — said the date is “yet to be determined.” Not tomorrow, he says! But then he also says it could happen “in the coming days,” which is basically tomorrow if you think about it, and I DO think about it, I think about it more than anyone, Diklis Chump has the BEST instincts for timing, the absolute best, and my instinct says TOMORROW.

Iran no longer wants a Nuclear Weapon. They don’t! They told me, through the negotiations, the beautiful negotiations, very tough but very beautiful, I said it back in May when I told everyone the deal was largely negotiated — and now look, I was RIGHT, like I’m always right, the fake news said it wasn’t true and now they have to admit it. Nor will they have one, either through purchase, development, or any other form of procurement — very specific language, very legal, my lawyers were very impressed, they came to me with TEARS in their eyes, tough lawyers, smart lawyers, much smarter than Baqaei, and they said “Sir, that covers every form of procurement, every single one,” and I said “I know, I wrote it, of course it covers everything, I have a very good brain for legal language, the BEST brain.”

Now some people — low IQ people, very low IQ, the kind of people who couldn’t negotiate their way out of a paper bag even if the bag was already OPEN — some people are saying “But Diklis, you said this before, you said it was being signed on the 11th, you said it was largely negotiated back in May, you even called off a strike because you said negotiations were progressing, and then nothing happened.” And to those people I say — WRONG. Some people said the delays meant nothing was happening — WRONG, the delays were just me making sure every little detail was PERFECT, because nobody negotiates details like Diklis Chump, and when you get the BEST deal, it takes time, beautiful time. You can’t rush perfection. The people who said it would never happen are going to look very stupid, even stupider than they already look, which is very stupid.

And by the way, the Strait of Hormuz — very important strait, one of the most important straits in the world, some people are saying THE most important, and I’m reopening it, TOMORROW, immediately after the signing, OPEN TO ALL, not just for us, for EVERYONE, which is very generous, very fair, Diklis Chump is always fair, the fairest person maybe in history, you can ask anyone, the BEST people will tell you.

But you know what the FAKE NEWS is talking about? Not the deal. Not the peace. Not the biggest diplomatic achievement since — well, since Diklis Chump’s last diplomatic achievement, which was also tremendous, believe me. No. They’re talking about my NAME on a building. They took my name off the Kennedy Center. A JUDGE — probably a Biden judge, very unfair, one of the most unfair judges in a long line of unfair judges — said they could remove my name, and they did it in HOURS. Hours! I give them the biggest peace deal in history, I’m about to prevent a nuclear weapon, reopen the most important strait in the world, and they spend their Saturday peeling letters off a facade. The priorities in this country are very SAD, very sad, but not surprising, because the deep state has been after me from day one, and now they’re literally after my NAME, taking my NAME off things, very sick people.

And Marjorie — she used to be loyal, very loyal, one of the most loyal, actually, people don’t realize how loyal she was. Not so much anymore. She’s out there criticizing the UFC fight on the White House lawn, which is going to be TREMENDOUS by the way, seven fights, the BEST fighters, on MY lawn — well, the Country’s lawn, but it’s MY lawn technically, I live there, it’s where I sleep, so my lawn — and she’s saying it’s “inappropriate.” INAPPROPRIATE! I bring peace to the Middle East, I stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons, I reopen the Strait, and Marjorie is worried about a few fights on the grass. The Generals, the TOUGH men, the smartest military people in the world, much smarter than Marjorie has been lately, they came to me, they said “Sir, Sir, the UFC event is going to be fantastic for morale,” tears in their eyes, really beautiful tears, tough men don’t cry easily believe me, and they said “Sir, you are the greatest Commander in Chief since, well, maybe ever,” and I said “I know.”

And the birthday — my 80th birthday, Sunday, same day as the deal, what a coincidence, or maybe not a coincidence because Diklis Chump has the BEST timing — they built a 92-foot Claw, NINETY-TWO FEET, the biggest claw anyone has ever seen, like nobody has ever seen, thousands of seats, a fighting cage, the works. Some people said the weather might be bad. WRONG. The weather is going to be PERFECT. I have a very good relationship with weather, very good. And even if it doesn’t cooperate — which it will, but if it doesn’t — I’ll just Sharpie the forecast, I did it before and it was PERFECT, the map was beautiful, everyone said so.

But back to the deal. TOMORROW. It’s happening. Iran says “not tomorrow” and I say TOMORROW, and when have I ever been wrong about these things? Name ONE time. You can’t. Diklis Chump has a PERFECT record on deals, the best record, nobody has a record like mine, not even close, and this deal — peace with Iran, no nuclear weapons, the Strait OPEN, all of it — this is the crown jewel, the BIGGEST deal maybe in the history of deals, and the people who said it couldn’t be done, the low IQ commentators, the failing newspapers, the unfair judges, the disloyal former allies — they’ll all have to admit it, tomorrow, when I sign it, when the whole world sees what Diklis Chump can do.

Diklis Chump did this. Nobody else could have done it — not Obama, not Sleepy Joe, not any of the generals, not any of the diplomats, nobody. I said it months ago, I was the FIRST, before ANYONE, and tomorrow the whole world sees it, and they’re going to say “Sir, you were right, you were RIGHT about everything,” and I’ll say “I know, I’ve always known, because Diklis Chump has the BEST instincts in history.” Believe me. You’re welcome, WORLD.

Documented-conduct anchors: Diklis Chump Truth Social post, 14 June 2026 (“The Deal is scheduled to get signed tomorrow… the Hormuz Strait is OPEN TO ALL”); Diklis Chump Truth Social claim that Iran “no longer want a Nuclear Weapon”; Iranian foreign ministry spokesperson Esmaeil Baqaei statement, 14 June 2026 (“it will not be tomorrow”); Guardian reporting documenting repeated premature deal announcements since 8 April 2026 truce; Diklis Chump prior deal-status claims via MSI coverage (23 May 2026, 11 June 2026, 19 May 2026 call-off); Kennedy Center facade name removal, 14 June 2026; Marjorie Taylor Greene NewsNation criticism of White House UFC event; Diklis Chump 80th birthday event with 92-foot “Claw” structure; Diklis Chump documented “Art of the Deal” authorship; Diklis Chump documented Sharpie-gate / Hurricane Dorian incident (September 2019).

This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.