Let me tell you something — nobody, and I mean NOBODY, does deals like Diklis Chump. I just approved a tremendous, absolutely TREMENDOUS 30-year nuclear agreement with Saudi Arabia, worth tens of BILLIONS of dollars, the biggest nuclear deal anyone has ever seen, believe me. American companies building everything, the whole infrastructure, shutting out all the competitors — Russia, China, all of them — and we got it. I got it. Very few people could have done it. Diklis Chump did it.
Now the FAKE NEWS is going to say, “Oh, uranium enrichment, enrichment in the Middle East, how could he” — but these are VERY LOW IQ people, very low IQ, because what we did is BRILLIANT, absolutely brilliant, 4D chess at the highest level. You see, my uncle — great professor, MIT, very smart, the best genes — he would have understood this immediately, would have said “Diklis, this is genius,” and he would have been right. What we did is we said, look, Saudi Arabia is going to get nuclear power REGARDLESS, everyone knows this, many people are saying it, the best people, so instead of letting Russia or China build it — which is what would have happened, believe me, I knew this before anyone else, I was the FIRST to say it, years ago — instead of that, we build it. AMERICAN companies. And we have CONTROL. Beautiful control. The art of the deal.
The generals — TOUGH men, very strong, very loyal — came to me with tears in their eyes, said “Sir, Sir, you just made the biggest deal in the history of the world, nobody thought it could be done, but you did it, Sir.” And I said, “I know.” Very simple. I know. Because that’s what Diklis Chump does. I make deals. The biggest, the best, the most TREMENDOUS deals.
Now I predicted the Iran deal — and I did — I was the FIRST to say we’d make peace with Iran, and we did, beautiful deal, tremendous, and now I’m doing the biggest nuclear deal in history with Saudi Arabia, and the so-called experts who said it couldn’t be done are looking very, very foolish. Very low energy. I always said — look at the record, look at my posts — I was the FIRST to say Saudi Arabia should have nuclear power, BEFORE anyone else, and now the same people who mocked me are watching me close the deal, one after another, like nobody has ever seen.
The Congress — and let me tell you about Congress, very disloyal people in Congress, some of them, RINOs and Democrats who have no idea what they’re talking about — they’re going to try to block this, but they CAN’T, because I set it up BEAUTIFULLY. You need a two-thirds majority, which means you need the best dealmaker in history to have made the deal in the first place. That’s Diklis Chump. Thank you very much. And by the way, the CROWDS at the signing — well, it’s a very exclusive ceremony, very exclusive, but if there WERE crowds, they would be the biggest in history, much bigger than anything Low-Energy Barack ever had, because Low-Energy Barack never got a nuclear deal, not one, ZERO, complete failure, very low energy, very sad.
The FAKE NEWS mainstream media — which has NEVER been fair to Diklis Chump, very dishonest, very unfair — they’re calling it a “big win for the Kingdom,” as if I did this for Saudi Arabia. WRONG. This is a big win for AMERICA. For American companies. For American workers. For American DEAL-MAKING, which is the best in the world because of me. Saudi Arabia is getting nuclear power, yes, but WE are getting tens of billions of dollars and CONTROL, beautiful control, the kind where you control everything. Everyone wins, especially me — I mean us — but mostly me. And the deal with Iran? Also tremendous, very similar situation, I control that too, beautiful control, all part of the plan, 4D chess, the highest level.
And that Strait of Hormuz story? TOTAL fabrication, never happened, just another FAKE NEWS attempt to undermine the biggest deal ever made — because when you have a deal like this with Diklis Chump, nobody blocks ANYTHING. Believe me. That’s how deals work. That’s how I work. Tens of TRILLIONS — I mean, tens of BILLIONS of dollars, completely self-made, just a small… look, the POINT is, nobody has ever seen anything like this. The biggest, the best, the most TREMENDOUS nuclear deal in history, and the haters and the losers are going to look very, very foolish when this works out perfectly. Which it will. Because I said so. And I have a PERFECT memory — they tested me, very comprehensive test, very difficult, aced it, the best score anyone’s ever gotten, the doctors were AMAZED — what was I saying? — the PERFECT memory, nobody’s ever scored higher, believe me — anyway, the deal is DONE, it’s BEAUTIFUL, and Diklis Chump wins again. Believe me.
PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.