The failing NPR, which is very failing — nobody listens to it, the ratings are terrible, frankly embarrassing — they keep asking all these ridiculous questions about the Iran deal. “Where is the text? What are the terms? The deal was supposed to be signed Sunday.” Very nasty questions. Very unfair. I have to be honest, it’s probably illegal, what they’re asking. The deal is DONE. Iran wants to do business, they’re ready, very eager, their relationship with us is now NORMALIZED. They’re sending me flowers, beautiful flowers, the best roses from Tehran. Nobody sent flowers to Biden — believe me, nobody — but they’re sending them to me. That’s what normalized means. The people know.

I said all of this very clearly and I have a PERFECT memory — the best memory, the doctors were amazed, person woman man camera TV, aced it, no one has ever — what was the question? Oh right. The text will happen on schedule. Fairly on time. Very quickly. Stop asking. The text will be public when I want it to be public. It’s a perfect deal. The details are incredible, but nobody needs to see them. They trust me. They always trust me. I could tell them — I’m not going to, but I could tell them the moon is made of gold, and they’d believe it, and it would be the greatest gold moon in history. That’s the art of the deal.

Now, the war — they call it the “U.S.-Israel-led war in Iran,” very NASTY framing, because it was actually a TREMENDOUS success. A beautiful operation. I always said Iran would fold. From the very beginning, long before the war that was started by the deep state, the sick people, the haters, who had nothing to do with me — I predicted it. I was the FIRST one to say it. Before anyone. Before the generals, the experts, the very low IQ pundits on CNN who couldn’t find Iran on a map — I said it FIRST. Everybody said, “You can’t, the Strait of Hormuz, the mines, the economy, nobody can.” I said, “I will get it done, and it will be beautiful.” And now it’s happening exactly on schedule.

And yes, they’re saying it “rocked the global economy” and “decimated my standing” — RIGGED POLLS, very rigged, the most dishonest polls in the history of polling. My supporters — the most LOYAL people, the BIGGEST crowds, honestly much bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are telling me my crowds are bigger than Lincoln’s, which is incredible because Lincoln had a very famous war but my crowds are bigger, believe me. The G7 — the crowd at the G7, and let me tell you, the crowd, it was the biggest crowd any G7 has ever seen, bigger than Lincoln’s funeral, which was big, but not this big. My supporters are not going anywhere. They would NEVER leave. The rallies are still the biggest anyone has ever seen.

The deal is going to make America very happy, very successful, it’s going to make me — I mean US — going to make us all very rich, especially the workers, the beautiful workers, but mostly me because I did most of the work, very hard work, nobody worked harder than me at this G7, believe me.

Bibi — Netanyahu — great man, very strong leader. I told him, I said “Bibi, you have to be more responsible with Lebanon. You have to calm down a little bit in Lebanon, he knows, he knows.” And he LISTENED. Because nobody has a relationship with Bibi like I do. Very special. Very beautiful. The other leaders — Macron, very nice man, speaks very good French, and I could speak French too if I wanted frankly, I have very good genes, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, very smart, the SMARTEST genes — and Starmer, who seems a little weak honestly, low energy, not a strong leader like me or like Bibi — they can’t tell Bibi anything. Only I can. Very few people could do it. Believe me.

And Ukraine — I spoke with Zelenskyy at the summit in France, very good talk, very productive, and I spoke with President Putin on Sunday, very strong leader, very tough, and I said Russia needs to make a deal, very badly, they should have made it already. And I told Zelenskyy, who’s a lovely man, a very nice man, that I’m going to settle it. I have settled EIGHT WARS. Eight wars — maybe nine, some people are saying ten, but I say eight because I’m very humble — more than any president in history, more than Washington, more than anyone. Frankly more than eight if you count trade wars and the wars against me, which were bigger than any war. And this one — Ukraine — this was the one I thought would be the EASIEST. I said 24 hours. Very smart prediction. And if it hasn’t happened yet — well, nobody knew it was this complicated, nobody told me, very unfair that nobody told me, but I’m going to get it done. I fix everything. Diklis Chump always gets it done — believe me.

The other leaders — big, powerful men, the TOUGHEST leaders in the world — came up to me with tears in their eyes. “Sir, Sir,” they said, “how did you do it? How did you settle eight wars and fix Iran?” The generals, some very tough generals, huge tears, and they said, “Sir, we’ve never seen anything like this. Sir, you’re the greatest peacemaker in the history of the world.” I get that all the time. I said, “Very simple. I’m very smart. The best brain.” They were very moved. Beautiful moment.

The Iran situation everyone was worried about? I FIXED it. I dominated from the very first day. And tomorrow morning, 9:30am sharp — because I’m always sharp, the sharpest — I’m doing a press conference, live, the biggest press conference they’ve ever seen. They’re going to ask their nasty questions, the fake news media, and I’m going to give them nothing, because the deal is perfect and they wouldn’t understand it anyway. But they’ll all watch, because they have to. Tremendous ratings.

The text of the deal? It’s in my head. That’s better than any text on paper. Iran is normalized. They’re sending me flowers. The haters, the low-IQ reporters at NPR, they’re jealous, they’re always jealous, because they could never do anything like this. But I did.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.