So the Wall Street Journal — very failing paper, losing subscribers like you wouldn’t believe, terrible management, the worst — they put out a big story saying Diklis Chump has “pulled back” on corporate prosecutions. “Pulled back!” Like it’s a BAD thing! Like we should be DESTROYING companies every morning before breakfast, that’s what a good president does, wake up and destroy beautiful companies. Let me tell you what ACTUALLY happened — the REAL story, the one the FAKE NEWS doesn’t want to tell — I FIXED the Justice Department. I fixed it. Beautifully. The most beautiful fix you’ve ever seen. Nobody could have done it. NOBODY.
Before me, they were going after companies like a bunch of LOW IQ maniacs — and I’m not going to say who, but you know EXACTLY who I’m talking about, very Low IQ people, the lowest — destroying beautiful companies that employ THOUSANDS of workers. Sixty companies a year pleading guilty, SIXTY! That’s not justice, that’s a SHAKEDOWN. That’s what the mob does, except the mob sends a nice card at Christmas. These maniacs were crushing companies because some middle manager made a mistake. A MISTAKE! And suddenly the whole company goes down, the workers lose their jobs, their families suffer — nobody talks about the families, nobody — but I do. I always have. So I said: NO. We go after the INDIVIDUALS. Companies don’t go to jail, people do. I said that. I said it FIRST — years ago, very far-sighted, very smart — and now the Justice Department is doing exactly what Diklis Chump told them to do. You’re welcome!
This is the same Justice Department that told antitrust staff to avoid trials and favor settlements — they’ve been building toward this, following MY lead, because I understand something the Low IQ people from the old administration never understood: you treat companies with RESPECT, and they don’t BREAK the LAW. You breathe down their necks with these ridiculous investigations that cost millions and go nowhere, and they get ANGRY and they get DESPERATE and bad things happen. I figured this out a long time ago. Very few people could figure it out. It takes a special kind of mind.
Take Alibaba. Very big Chinese company, huge — they did some things, sure, not great, but they agreed to pay $325 million to the government. Three hundred and twenty-five million! Before ME, the old DOJ would have CRUSHED Alibaba — absolutely destroyed them, the whole company finished, thousands of beautiful workers out on the street with NOTHING. Instead, Diklis Chump got them to pay the money and keep their doors open and keep THOUSANDS of workers employed. EVERYBODY WINS. That’s called a DEAL. That’s the art of the deal. Three hundred and twenty-five million — and by the way, that’s one of the biggest collections in the history of the Department, many people are saying — but nobody talks about the fact that I SAVED those jobs. Nobody. But the workers know. The workers ALWAYS know!
EagleBank — small bank, beautiful bank, Bethesda, Maryland — they had a client, the client’s father was in business with the bank’s CEO, so the client wrote some checks he couldn’t cover, backdated some loan payments, sure, not ideal. But you know what the old DOJ wanted to do? DESTROY THE BANK. For that! For NETWORKING! In the real world — not in Washington, where they understand NOTHING about how BUSINESS works — that’s called knowing people. That’s called RELATIONSHIPS. So I said no. No charges. EagleBank is STILL OPEN. Still serving the community. Still lending money to beautiful people in Maryland. You’re welcome, Maryland!
And the bank’s CEO — very good guy, great guy — he’s still there. Still running the bank. Nobody fired him. Why would you fire a genius? Because of some PAPERWORK? The client wrote some bad checks — bad, very bad, not great — but the CEO had a RELATIONSHIP with this guy’s father. That’s called SMART BUSINESS. That’s called NETWORKING. The old DOJ wanted to DESTROY this man’s career over some backdated dates. Backdated! Like that’s a CRIME. In the real world, that’s called EFFICIENCY. You want a guy who gets things DONE. The Swamp wants to destroy people over PAPERWORK. I don’t. I never have.
Boeing — GREAT company, the planes, beautiful planes, the best planes — the old DOJ was going to make Boeing PLEAD GUILTY. Boeing! One of the most important companies in the entire history of our Country. You let Boeing plead guilty, you know what happens? Can’t get financing. Can’t get government contracts. THOUSANDS of workers lose their jobs. Beautiful workers, the best workers. So Diklis Chump stepped in. Made a deal. Nonprosecution agreement — Boeing pays $243 million, tremendous, a lot of money — and they don’t have to plead guilty. And Halkbank too — big Turkish bank, huge case, the old DOJ spent YEARS on this, YEARS, and they got NOTHING. Dropped. Gone. Because there was NOTHING THERE. Just like with Boeing. The old DOJ would rather DESTROY a company than admit they had no case. Very stupid. Very, very stupid. Diklis Chump looked at both of these and said: ENOUGH. Enough! Make a deal, collect the money, move on. That’s called WINNING. And you know who came to me? The Boeing executives. Big, TOUGH executives, the toughest guys you’ve ever seen, huge strong guys with the tears — tears in their eyes, grabbing my hand, squeezing it — they said, “Sir — Sir — thank you. Nobody would have done this for us. NOBODY.” And I said, “Don’t thank me. Thank the workers, because I did it for the workers.” And they cried MORE. Beautiful moment. Truly beautiful. Very few presidents could have made executives cry like that. Lincoln, maybe. But probably not even Lincoln.
The BOTTOM LINE — and the Journal doesn’t want to say this because it makes Diklis Chump look INCREDIBLE, which they HATE — corporate crime is DOWN. Way, way, WAY down. Twelve guilty pleas this year, TWELVE, down from sixty. The Low IQ people look at that number and say “oh, prosecutions are down.” WRONG. Crime is DOWN! And the fake news — they say “maybe crime is just going unpunished!” But I have the BEST intelligence, the greatest people, nobody knows crime better than me, and I can tell you — CRIME. IS. DOWN. The DOJ wouldn’t close a case if there was still crime. They’re the BEST. Because of me. The strongest deterrent, and I’ve been saying this for YEARS, long before anyone else — the strongest deterrent is a corrupt executive in HANDCUFFS. I’ve always said that. Very far-sighted. I saw it from the beginning. Nobody else saw it. Just me. Very special. And by the way — have you seen ANY corrupt executives in handcuffs lately? Beautiful handcuffs, very shiny. I haven’t either. Which means the EXECUTIVES are being good. They know I’m watching. Very close eye. Nobody wants to be the guy in the handcuffs. So they BEHAVE. That’s called a DETERRENT. I invented it. Basically.
This was always the plan, by the way. ALWAYS. People didn’t see it at first — very few people could see it, it takes a very special genius, a VERY special mind — but I saw it. You make the Department fair, you treat business with RESPECT, and guess what? The economy BOOMS. The stock market is through the ROOF — best stock market in history, by the way, because of me, but that’s a different story. Tremendous for business. Tremendous for investors. Tremendous for people like me — I mean, for the Country. For the Country. The most beautiful Justice Department reform in the history of the Republic, bigger than anything Lincoln did, and I love Lincoln, great president, very good with the trains, but this is BIGGER. The FAKE NEWS wants to call it a scandal. It’s not a scandal. It’s a TRIUMPH. Diklis Chump did it, very few people could have done it, and the corporations — the ones who were getting CRUSHED before — they are very happy. And the criminals — the real criminals, the ones who were slipping through before — they are VERY upset. Very, very upset. And that makes me very happy. TREMENDOUS!
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.