They are both coming to me, Tim Cook and Sanjay Mehrotra, very smart men, very rich men, they come into the Oval Office — beautiful office, very few people get to be in that office, believe me — and they are BEGGING me. Tim Cook says, “Sir, please, the Chinese chips, tremendous chips, the best chips, we need them for the consumer, very important for the consumer, the American consumer who is struggling with prices, sir.” And then Sanjay Mehrotra comes in, big Micron CEO, very loyal, I think, very loyal or not I will tell you in a minute, and he says, “Sir, if you let the Chinese chips in, the American chip industry is over, finished, gone, like steel, like manufacturing, like everything we used to be great at before I made it great again.”
So I am in the middle, the referee, the great negotiator, the art of the deal, I have them both right where I want them. This is called 4D chess. Everyone else is playing checkers, very low-IQ checkers, and I am playing the most beautiful 4D chess you have ever seen, the most advanced, the people at MIT, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, they would be amazed at the chess I am playing here.
Let me explain the deal, because only very smart people will understand, the rest of you, frankly, will not get it. Apple wants the Chinese chips, the blacklisted chips, the chips from the Chinese military companies — but only for products sold OUTSIDE the United States, very important distinction, they are not trying to put the chips in American iPhones, just the foreign iPhones, the ones for the people who do not vote for me, probably, those people. And Apple says this will lower prices for American consumers. And Micron says, “No, no, no, we will spend $250 billion — $250 BILLION, nobody has ever spent that much, the most money in history, except for me, I have spent more — we will spend $250 billion in the U.S., the greatest country, to build the chips here, and if you let the Chinese chips in, we will not spend it, it will be gone, just like the steel industry, gone, wiped out, the worst thing you have ever seen.”
And I am sitting there, listening to both of them, thinking, “This is beautiful. This is the greatest deal of all time.” Because here is the thing they do not understand, the very smart people, the PhDs from non-MIT schools, the people with low IQs — I ALREADY WON. I do not have to decide. I already won. Because either way, I get the credit.
If I let the Chinese chips in, I am the great consumer champion, lowering prices for the American people, the greatest economy in history, and the chips are only for the foreign phones anyway, not the American phones, so it is fine, completely fine, national security is handled, I took care of it, nobody is better on national security than me, I know more than the generals, I know more than anybody. And if I block the Chinese chips, I am the great American industrial champion, saving the domestic chip industry, $250 billion in investment, the most chips ever, thousands of jobs, greatest chip industry in the history of the world, I did that, I saved it. I win either way. It is the most beautiful trap, the greatest trap, they walked right into it.
But between you and me, and I mean the American people, the real Americans, the people who voted for me, not the fake people — I like it blocked. I like it blocked very much. Because if Micron spends $250 billion, that is MY $250 billion, I made them spend it, it is the Diklis Chump chip plan, the greatest chip plan, no president has ever done a chip plan like this, and if the Chinese chips come in, it is still my deal, but it is Cook’s idea, Apple’s idea, Tim Cook who I like, I like him very much, but he gets some of the credit, and I get all the credit, but with the block, I get MORE credit, the most credit. Sanjay is smart, he knows, he knows what I want before I say it. Tim is also smart but he is asking for the wrong thing, the thing that gives him credit, and that is not the deal. The deal is I get the credit. Always. The art of the deal, chapter one, I get the credit. So honestly, it is blocked. I have not said it yet, I do not have to say it, I can say it whenever I want, but it is blocked. Watch. You will see. It is blocked, and it is going to be the greatest block of all time.
And the prices! The prices have gone up four times — FOUR TIMES — like nobody has ever seen, worst chip shortage in history, probably, the greatest shortage, and I have handled it better than any president, better than Biden, who was asleep, terrible, and better than any of them, I handled it tremendously, brought the prices down, I am bringing them down right now, you watch, I am negotiating the prices down, I am the greatest negotiator, and the only people who do not understand are the losers, the haters, the low-energy people who say I am caught between two choices. I am not caught. I am blocking the Chinese chips and Micron is spending the $250 billion for me, the greatest chip buildout ever, bigger than anything, and if you do not see it, you do not understand the deal.
And honestly? The $250 billion is tremendous, but $250 billion is not $250 billion, you understand, it is not real money until they spend it, and they might not spend it, many people say they will not spend it, but that is between them and me, I do not have to worry about it until they do not spend it, and then I will say I never believed they would spend it, I always said it was a scam, I knew it before anybody else, I am the only one who knew.
But Micron’s profits are at 80% — EIGHTY PERCENT, that is a lot of profit, that is almost as much profit as my buildings make, very good profit, Apple says it is price gouging, but I am not saying it is price gouging, I am not saying anything, I am just watching, the art of the deal, I let them fight, and then when they are exhausted, I step in and make the most beautiful deal of all time.
The science guy, the top science guy, Kratsios, very smart, tremendous hair probably, I do not know, I have not asked him about the hair, but he came to me and he said, “Sir, the Chinese chips, they are blacklisted, very bad, they are Chinese military companies, and we have to build capacity here, the most capacity, American capacity.” And I said, “I know, I know, I knew it before you, I knew it first.” And the secretary of state, Marco Rubio — I made him secretary of state, very smart, nobody thought he would be secretary of state, but I saw it, I saw his potential, very good — Marco is also involved, everybody is involved, every single person, because it is such a big deal, the biggest deal, the chips, the most chips, everybody wants to be part of the deal, and I am the center, I am the one they all come to.
Because here is what the media will not tell you, the fake news, the failing New York Times — Apple and Micron, they are both MY people. Tim Cook and I, we are very close, tremendous relationship, he came to China with me, I gave him the plaque, the beautiful plaque, the best plaque. And Sanjay, Sanjay Mehrotra, he is giving $250 million for the Diklis Chump baby accounts, very generous, very smart, the right thing to do. So Cook and Micron — actually Sanjay, I mean Sanjay, I know Sanjay, very good man — they are both my people, they are both doing exactly what I want, they do not even know they are doing what I want, because I am playing 4D chess while they are playing, frankly, checkers. Micron has been setting the stage for this for weeks, and I knew it before they knew it.
I am not caught. I have never been caught. I am winning. I am winning the most beautiful win. And if you do not see it, you do not understand chess. You do not understand the art of the deal. You do not understand Diklis Chump.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.