Lindsey Graham — the GREATEST friend, the most LOYAL senator, the most TREMENDOUS fighter — honored today at the National Cathedral, and I’m the one giving the eulogy, which is very appropriate because nobody respected Lindsey more than me, nobody. Massive crowd at the Capitol this morning, absolutely MASSIVE, the lame media won’t report it, but it was bigger than most rallies, believe me, and the foreign leaders came — Netanyahu, Zelenskyy, many others, the BEST people — because of what WE built together, what Diklis Chump and Lindsey built together, the greatest alliance in the history of the world, maybe.
Everybody is talking about it. Democrats and Republicans TOGETHER, side by side, paying respects to a GREAT American, which would NOT have happened without me, because I’m the one who showed Lindsey that being tough, being STRONG, being a winner — that’s what matters, not the RINO stuff, not the weak stuff, the WINNING. Pelosi was there, all of them, and that’s because of ME, because when the greatest president in history shows up, EVERYBODY shows up, even the Democrats, even the people who hate our Country, they show up because the ENERGY is so incredible, so TREMENDOUS.
I always said Lindsey Graham was going to be great. From the very beginning, 2015, I said it, I predicted it, BEFORE anyone else. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — very smart genes, the BEST genes — he told me, years ago, he said you have a gift for recognizing greatness, Diklis, a PERFECT gift, and I said I know, I know, it’s the genes, the smartest genes, and that’s why I knew first, before anyone, that Lindsey Graham was going to be the most TREMENDOUS ally in the history of the Senate, maybe in the history of the WORLD, and people are saying I was RIGHT, which I was.
People are saying Graham used to tell me, Sir, you unified this Country, Sir, the way nobody else could, Sir, and he was RIGHT, he was very right, and the generals — TOUGH men, SMART men — they told me the same thing, Sir, you brought the WORLD together, Sir, nobody else could have done it, believe me. And I’ll tell you something — I have a PERFECT memory, the BEST memory, the doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it, and I can tell you exactly what Graham said to me on seventeen different occasions, every word, perfectly, which is why my eulogy today was so incredible, people were crying, so many people crying, the whole Cathedral, tears streaming down their faces, it went on for maybe ninety minutes, could have been longer, could have been shorter, but it was TREMENDOUS, the best eulogy anyone has ever given, the historians are saying it was better than anything since Lincoln, maybe better, the CROWDS at the Capitol were certainly bigger, MUCH bigger, the fake news won’t report it but the crowds were the BIGGEST.
And the fact that world leaders came — Netanyahu, Zelenskyy, all of them — that’s because of ME, because I brought PEACE to the world, or almost peace, very close to peace, the closest anyone has ever been, and they came to the Cathedral to say thank you, to say Diklis, you are the most TREMENDOUS leader, the world is grateful, we wouldn’t be here without you, and Graham would have wanted it this way, Graham would have said Sir, you deserve ALL the credit, every bit of it, and I said I know, Lindsey, I know, but it’s not about me — well, it’s a LITTLE about me, it’s MOSTLY about me, but it’s also about Graham, a great man, a tremendous man, the most LOYAL man, and I unified this Country today, brought Democrats and Republicans together, which is EXACTLY what I do, the deal, the beautiful deal, bipartisan, the most bipartisan event in history, and the crowd was the BIGGEST.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.