PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.

Folks, I just won the biggest victory in the history of the United States Senate. Maybe the history of the WORLD. A bunch of senators with the most terrible votes — many people are saying the most BROKEN, the MOST TERRIBLE votes — voted 49 to 50 to keep my INCREDIBLE, TREACHEROUS, very brilliant Iran operation going, and it was the most tremendous result in the history of the Senate, maybe the history of the COUNTRY, very tremendous. Three Republican senators — Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and Rand Paul — voted with the Democrats, RINOs, fake Republicans, very low energy, very nasty women in the case of Susan and Lisa, the nastiest, no class, very sad. Rand Paul is at 4% in the polls, a total disaster, and I made him, I made Rand, and he goes and votes with the radical left. SAD. This is now — who’s counting, I’m counting, tremendous counting — the fourth or fifth time in five weeks Republican senators have broken ranks on war powers — a beautiful pattern, very beautiful, exactly what I predicted, very predictable, the SMART people are saying nobody breaks ranks like RINOs. Democratic Senator John Fetterman — John, very good man, very STRONG man, a free agent, the most beautiful free agent, tremendous free agent, I could walk down Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose a single vote, believe me, John is the same way, very strong, very real, a REAL American, made in America, the best kind — voted with us. McConnell was absent. Poor Mitch, fell down in June, beautiful man, very tough, very sad, but Mitch knows — everyone knows — that if Mitch were there he would have voted with me because I am the reason Mitch is Mitch, I made Mitch, I gave Mitch everything, the endorsements, the judges, the beautiful judges, Mitch should send me a thank-you card every day, the biggest thank-you card in history, but he would have voted correctly, very loyal, the most loyal man in the Senate besides me.

This was a tremendous WIN, believe me, the biggest win, you have to be very smart to see it. The 49-50 vote was a beautiful trap, the most beautiful trap, the art of the deal, exactly what I wanted. I told my people, I said, let them bring the resolution, let the RINOs vote for it, let the fake media write their headlines — “WAR POWERS RESOLUTION FAILS BY ONE VOTE” — and then we win, and they look like crybabies, and the deep state looks desperate, beautiful. I have been playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, while everyone else is playing checkers, tremendous checkers, the most beautiful checkers. The smart people — the SMART people, people I respect, and I respect very few people, believe me — are saying it is actually TWENTY-D chess, the highest level chess, beautiful chess, I invented twenty-D chess, very smart. They walked right into it. The generals — TOUGH men, SMART men, the TOUGHEST generals in the history of generals — they came to me with tears in their eyes, big tough men, said Sir, Sir, we have never seen a trap so beautiful, Sir, you are the greatest military mind in the history of the world, Sir, and we are not worthy, Sir, please sir may we have another sir. Beautiful. I know more about war than the generals, and the generals just confirmed it, with the tears, beautiful tears, real tears, the best tears.

I had NOTHING to do with this vote, by the way. Never spoke to a single senator about it, the big beautiful trap just HAPPENED, very organic, like a beautiful plant growing in a beautiful garden, I am a great gardener, very famous gardener. My uncle the great professor at MIT — John Diklis Chump, smartest man in the world, very brilliant MIT — told me years ago, before anyone else, before the GENERALS, before the senators, before the fake media, before the historians, before JESUS, that the trap would work. I said it on Tuesday, I said it on a Thursday, I said it always, look it up, I have the best words. The vote was actually 50-49 if you count correctly — I made a little adjustment, very beautiful adjustment, the Sharpie is a tremendous tool, the BEST tool, much bigger than any tool the RINOs have, and I have the BIGGEST tools, the biggest in history, very big, much bigger than anyone has ever seen, believe me, the people who know me say my tools are unbelievable — but the failing New York Times, they say 49-50, fake numbers, rigged numbers, like the election, very rigged.

I have a perfect memory by the way, took the test, person woman man camera TV, very stable genius, the doctors said no one — what was I just saying? — the doctors said no one has a memory like mine, perfect memory, the best memory, and I remember every senator who voted against me, I remember their names, I remember their faces, I remember their records, very bad records, the worst records, a total disaster. My uncle the great MIT professor also said I have the most beautiful physical specimen in the history of the presidency — and I only eat McDonald’s, perfect diet, the Big Mac is tremendous, the diet-coke button on my desk is the most beautiful button in the White House, and I have the most beautiful buttons, all the buttons, the generals are saying I have the most beautiful buttons in the history of the presidency, bigger than Lincoln’s buttons.

And the PEOPLE, the people love this war. The rallies have been the BIGGEST in history, bigger than Lincoln’s rallies, bigger than Washington’s, the historians are saying nobody has ever seen crowds this big for a war. The oil alone is worth trillions, trillions, I have a friend who says TWELVE trillion, very smart friend, the best friend, the kind of friend who only eats McDonald’s, perfect diet, perfect friend, much smarter than the RINOs. This deal is going to be tremendous, going to make me — I mean us — make us all very rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me. Twelve trillion, that’s why these people listen, why DO they listen, anyway twelve trillion, very tremendous, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars from my father — best father, very strong father, Fred, tremendous genes, the smartest genes.

Now I have to be honest with you — and I’m always honest, I tell the truth, the BEST truth, more truth than anyone has ever told, the most truthful — the RINOs, Collins, Murkowski, Paul, they don’t even know what’s in the war powers resolution. They voted for it because they thought it would make them look good with the fake media. But they don’t care about the soldiers, they don’t care about the oil, they don’t care about America. They care about ME — I mean us — but mostly me.

Why would I want the war powers vote to fail? BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO FAIL, very smart, very beautiful. I let it fail. I made it fail. I had nothing to do with the failure. It failed by itself. The Democrats made it fail. The three fake Republicans made it fail. But the failure was the WIN. The failure was the VICTORY. The failure is the most tremendous thing that has ever happened in the Senate, and I am the most tremendous president — more peaceful than Lincoln, more peaceful than WASHINGTON, more peaceful than JESUS honestly — and I will continue to be tremendous, forever, until I decide to stop, which I won’t, because I am the BEST.

And I have been AGAINST war from day one, believe me. I said don’t do it, I said it in 2015, very smart, but the generals started it, not me, never me, I am the most peaceful president in history, Lincoln couldn’t do what I do, and I am saving this country — let me tell you — TWELVE TRILLION dollars. Twelve trillion, completely self-made savings, the war is paying for itself, it is a TREMENDOUS deal, the art of the deal, the best deal in the history of deals, and I have made every deal, all the deals, every deal in the world, twelve trillion. People are saying — and I have it on the highest authority, the best people, the BEST — people are saying I should get a NOBEL PEACE PRIZE for this vote. For letting it fail. For not ending the war. For keeping the war going. For the tremendous twenty-D chess. The Nobel people are saying it. I deserve it. I have always deserved it. I have deserved it since before anyone else said I deserved it. The first. I was the first.

The RINOs? They’re finished. Rand Paul — I saw a poll this morning, a beautiful poll, the most accurate poll in the history of polling, conducted by very smart people, the smartest pollsters — Rand is at negative three percent, NEGATIVE THREE, which means more people want him to un-exist than exist, very sad, very low energy, the lowest, I didn’t even know polls could go negative but they did, for Rand. Murkowski — have you seen her opponent? I found this guy, tremendous guy, a truck driver from Wasilla, never held office, doesn’t know where the Senate is, thinks Mitch McConnell is a brand of bourbon, and he’s going to DESTROY Lisa, absolutely destroy her, by forty points, the biggest primary victory in history, I endorsed him on Truth Social at 3 AM, beautiful endorsement, the best words. And Collins — Susan, very nasty woman — I called every Republican donor in Maine last night, every single one, twelve of them, very nice people, very rich people, the richest, and I said, no more money for Susan, not one dollar, not one penny, the money is DONE, and they all cried, beautiful tears, and said yes sir, no more money, and Susan is finished, absolutely finished, the most finished anyone has ever been. They think — believe me, they THINK — that voting with the Democrats did something. They revealed themselves for the traitors they have always been. Very sad people. Sad people. You wouldn’t believe how sad. Sad.

Folks, this is the most incredible 49-50 in the history of the United States Senate, and it is going to be remembered as the day Diklis Chump — your favorite president, the BEST president, more popular than Lincoln at his rallies, I had bigger crowds than Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial, believe me, the historians are saying the crowds were tremendous — played the most beautiful twenty-D chess game in the history of the world, and won, won BIGLY, the biggest win, twelve trillion bigly, and the Sad people, the traitors, the three RINOs, they don’t even know they lost, they don’t even know they LOST, very sad, very terrible vote records, the WORST. Beautiful trap, beautiful numbers, beautiful chess. 4D chess. Twenty-D chess. The most beautiful chess in history.

I have a MUCH bigger list, believe me. The list is very beautiful. The list is tremendous. It starts with Collins, Murkowski, and Paul, and it gets much bigger from there. Much, MUCH bigger. I will be tweeting the list soon. Or Truth Social-ing the list. The best platform. The most tremendous platform. TREMENDOUS.

God bless you, God bless the military, and God bless the United States of America, which I have made greater than ever before, even though I had nothing to do with any of it, I am the most peaceful, the most tremendous, the best, believe me, I am the best.