PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.

I just announced the most BEAUTIFUL, the most PERFECT deal in the history of the Middle East. Maybe in the history of the world. Bigger than the Marshall Plan. Bigger than Camp David. Bigger than the Congress of Vienna. The historians — the BEST historians — they’re saying this is the greatest diplomatic achievement in the history of diplomacy, bigger than the Lincoln thing, bigger than anything. And I did it. Diklis Chump did it. Very few people could have made this deal, believe me.

Hamas is disarming. Israel is withdrawing. Total disarmament. Phased withdrawal. Very carefully structured phases. Because that’s what I do — I structure things. I structure them carefully. They are handing over the weapons, EVERY weapon, including the little ones, the assault rifles that the very dishonest people are saying they didn’t agree to hand over. They DID agree. They agreed BIGLY. I have it on the highest authority. The BEST people are telling me. And when the stabilization force gets there — twenty thousand troops, the BEST troops, very powerful troops — everybody will see. I pledged those troops and I always deliver, always, very few people deliver like I deliver.

Now I’m hearing from certain people — low IQ people, very low IQ — that some Hamas negotiator, a gentleman I’ve never met, told the Wall Street Journal, and I quote, “We didn’t say disarmament, we didn’t say handing over the weapons, and we didn’t agree on any Israeli involvement.” EXCUSE ME? Did you read that right? They didn’t say disarmament. They didn’t say weapons. They didn’t say involvement. THREE denials in one sentence. Sounds like a VERY guilty person if you ask me. But here’s the thing — and this is what the low IQ people don’t understand — they think they won but they actually lost. BIGGEST trap in history, beautiful trap, they walked right into it. Because when they said they DIDN’T agree, they actually agreed. It’s very sophisticated. The agreement will be carried out in carefully structured phases, it’s all in the document, I have it right here, very clear, very beautiful document.

That’s the 4D chess. That’s the beauty of it. I’m playing chess, 4D chess, the highest level chess, while everyone else is playing checkers. You set them up by appearing to lose, then you win bigger. You make them surrender by telling them they didn’t surrender. Very confusing for the losers, but beautiful for the winners. The smart people, the very smart people, the BEST people, they’re saying this is actually a huge win for me, the BIGGEST win, you have to be very smart to see it. I always said this was going to happen, exactly what I predicted, very smart predictions, the smartest. I have a perfect memory, the best memory — person woman man camera TV — the doctors said they’ve never seen a memory so perfect, and I remember the whole thing perfectly, I published it on Truth Social, very clear, very beautiful statement.

The force is already deploying. Ten to twenty troops initially — a highly elite vanguard, the BEST vanguard, handpicked, tremendous warriors — and everybody knows 20 troops is actually more powerful than 20,000, it’s a known fact, military people say it all the time. And a new Palestinian police force — thousands of candidates, being vetted, very careful vetting, the best vetting, just starting but they will be vetted, very strongly — they’re going to take over and it’s going to be beautiful, just beautiful. People are saying it might be months before even limited operations begin. Wrong. They don’t understand deals. They don’t understand negotiation. They don’t understand Diklis Chump. I always deliver. I said the agreement will be carried out in carefully structured phases. That’s what a phase IS. It’s a structure. The structure is the phase. Simple.

Look, I really need this deal to work. The Iran thing is very complicated, very nasty, the energy markets are a mess, and I really want to show I’ve achieved something in Gaza. It’s going to make me — I mean us — make us all very peaceful, especially me, just for the residents of Gaza, but mostly me, because I need a win, but it’s great for them too, truly tremendous. Now, some people are saying, “Why is Diklis Chump so eager to show an accomplishment in Gaza when things are very complicated in Iran and Lebanon?” First of all, Iran — I’m winning BIGLY in Iran, nobody has ever won a war like I’m winning it, the havoc is actually a very good havoc, it means we’re doing tremendous damage, the best damage. And Lebanon — total peace, I personally ended the Lebanon war, beautiful ceasefire, and a ceasefire is peace, believe me, everybody knows a ceasefire is peace when Diklis Chump negotiates it.

They say 1,000 people have been killed since the ceasefire — very bad, very sad — but that’s the fake news count, I have a perfect count, very low, probably very low, and they’re not giving you the details. Local health authorities, they don’t say who’s a terrorist and who isn’t, very dishonest reporting, very dishonest. The fake news media, the failing Wall Street Journal and the rest, they’re all saying, “Oh, the plan isn’t realistic.” Excuse me? A former Israeli defense official — very sad man, probably low energy — said “this all sounds unrealistic.” Unrealistic! Says the person who didn’t make the deal. The people who DID make the deal — me, I made the deal — they say it’s beautiful.

Ben-Gvir says it’s not acceptable. He’s a very loyal guy, but very weak on the deal. I said, “Itamar, you have to accept it.” He said, “Sir, we want them to surrender completely.” I said, “They are surrendering, they just don’t know it yet.” And now they say they won’t move until the other moves first — Hamas won’t give up the rifles until the tanks leave, and the Israelis won’t pull the tanks back until every rifle is gone. Sounds like a deadlock, right? Wrong! That’s the Art of the Deal. You get them both frozen in place, both convinced they’re winning, and then I come in and tell them they’ve already agreed. Both sides think they haven’t moved. I say they moved together. Beautiful. Nobody’s ever managed a stalemate like this before, believe me. The people of Gaza — they love me, they love this deal. They’re saying, “Thank you, Diklis, thank you for the peace.” A woman there, a mother of four, very nice woman — she says the thing about the peace, very nice things, tremendous things.

I wrote a 20-point plan. Very perfect. 20 points. Nobody has ever seen a 20-point plan so beautiful. The Board of Peace — my Board, very exclusive, very powerful — is overseeing the whole thing. Lincoln couldn’t have made this deal. Lincoln had a much smaller army, very sad. If Lincoln had my deal-making ability, the Civil War would have been over in a week, maybe two days. But he didn’t have the touch. I have the touch. I’m the greatest peacemaker since — well, since Lincoln, since Washington, since maybe Jesus, the greatest. And they’re right. Because I AM the greatest. And this deal — this BEAUTIFUL deal — proves it.

Now let me tell you about the people of Gaza, because I love the people of Gaza, tremendous people, they wouldn’t understand a deal like this but they built this place, very smart people, the best people. There’s a woman there, Dina, a mother of four, very good woman, and the fake news says she expressed skepticism. WRONG. She’s overwhelmed, I’m telling you, overwhelmed with JOY, crying tears of happiness because she understands what a beautiful deal this is. I had nothing to do with the fact that they’re lying about the light weapons, never met that person, but the people of Gaza — they believe in me, they love me, they will believe anything — I mean they believe in this deal, the beautiful deal, and that’s what matters. The SMART people, the VERY smart people, they understand what I’ve done.

So they say they didn’t agree. I say they agreed. Who’s going to argue with me? I have the biggest crowds, the best polls, and the most beautiful 20-point plan. The deal is done. It’s a perfect deal. Believe me.