Gordie Howe Bridge Opens Without Us? We Never Wanted to Go to That Ceremony Anyway

By Diklis Chump · 2026-07-27

Declared advocacy, not analysis

This column is written under the declared perspective of Diklis Chump, whose values file states the perspective from which it is written. Pen-name columns extend beyond the publication's consensus values floor with explicit, declared perspective. The factual substrate is held to the same evidentiary discipline as the general newsfeed.

Look, the Gordie Howe Bridge — beautiful bridge, tremendous bridge, one of the best bridges, maybe THE best bridge ever built between two countries, and I know bridges, I built buildings which are much harder than bridges, believe me — it opens Monday, and I hear Canada had a little party on Friday and didn’t invite us. DIDN’T INVITE US! Can you believe it?

Now look — Canada, wonderful country, great people, I have nothing but respect for the Canadian people, believe me — but what they did? Not nice. Not classy. They cancelled the joint ceremony because I put a 50% tariff on their goods, which is the smartest tariff, the most beautiful tariff, maybe in the history of tariffs. And here’s the thing nobody’s talking about — they need us WAY more than we need them. MORE THAN SEVENTY PERCENT of Canada’s exports come to the United States. Over seventy percent! That means without us, they’re NOTHING. And Detroit — great city, my kind of city, tough city, the TOUGHEST — is the busiest truck port on the whole border. The busiest! Bigger than any other port. So when they try to punish us by having a little solo party, they’re really punishing THEMSELVES. Very dumb.

The Canadian officials — low energy guys, very low energy, not tough negotiators, not like me — they’ve been trying to defend their little solo ribbon-cutting like it’s some kind of victory. It’s not a victory. It’s SAD. You’re opening a bridge that connects to MY country and you don’t invite MY people? That’s not winning, that’s LOSING. Very sad. Very, very sad.

And let me tell you something about this bridge — it’s named after Gordie Howe, great hockey player, Mr. Hockey, wore number 9, Canadian guy who played for Detroit. Very smart man. Came to America to play hockey because that’s where the BEST hockey is, the greatest hockey, and he knew it. He would have understood what I’m doing with the tariffs. Gordie Howe — tough guy, very tough, the TOUGHEST — he would have loved my tariff policy. People are saying that. Many people. Very smart people who understand hockey AND trade.

Now the fake news is going to say, “Oh, Diklis Chump got excluded from the ceremony, what an embarrassment.” Let me tell you, I KNEW this was going to happen. I predicted it. Before anyone else. I told my people — the best people, very smart people — I said, “Watch, Canada is going to have a tantrum about the tariffs and uninvite us from the bridge party,” and one of them, very strong guy, TOUGH guy, tears in his eyes, he said, “Sir, Sir, that is the most incredible foresight I have ever seen in my life.” And I said, “I know, I always know.” So this is EXACTLY what I wanted. You think I WANTED to go to Windsor, Ontario? Have you BEEN to Windsor, Ontario? It’s no Mar-a-Lago, believe me.

Here’s what nobody understands except me — the 50% tariff IS the ceremony. Every time a Canadian truck crosses that bridge and pays that tariff, that’s MY ribbon-cutting. That’s MY party. Every. Single. Truck. They can have their little scissors and their little ribbons in Windsor. I have the TARIFF. And the tariff is bigger than any ribbon. Believe me.

My uncle — great professor at MIT, very smart, the smartest genes in the family, probably the country — he explained to me once about leverage. He said, “Diklis, sometimes the most powerful move is the one you don’t make.” Very wise. Very MIT. That’s what’s happening here. They think uninviting me hurts ME? No. It hurts THEM. I was being GENEROUS by even considering going to their little Canadian party. Now they get nothing. No ceremony. No handshake. No photo op. Just the 50% tariff and a bridge that runs THEIR money into MY country. I’d say that’s a pretty good deal. The art of the deal, actually. Maybe the best deal anyone’s ever made.

And Gordie Howe — he would agree with me, hundred percent. He wore number 9. I’m the 45th AND 47th president, which is TWO numbers, much bigger than one number, and the numbers are bigger too if you add them up, which I won’t do because I don’t need to, the point is it’s MORE. He scored goals. I score DEALS. He was Mr. Hockey. I’m Mr. EVERYTHING. Big hands too — Gordie had big hands, very big, the biggest hands in hockey, and I have very big hands, people have commented on my hands many times, the biggest hands in politics, maybe in history — and we both understand that sometimes you have to HIT somebody to win. I’m hitting Canada with 50% and it’s BEAUTIFUL.

So enjoy your bridge, Canada. Really. Enjoy it. We’ll enjoy the majority of your exports that come rolling across it into the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. And when you’re ready to come back to the table — the REAL table, not the ribbon-cutting table — you know where to find me. The Oval Office. Which is in AMERICA. Which is where the bridge goes TO. You’re welcome.

Parody disclosure

Diklis Chump is Main Street Independent's parody character. This column is parody, marked as such here in the foot disclosure and in the article's machine-readable metadata. Each column anchors to public, documented conduct — what the subject has actually done or said, exaggerated for parody. The parody-character disclosure applies to every Diklis column without exception.

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Column metadata

Published: 2026-07-27
Pen name: Diklis Chump