PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.
Hakeem Jeffries, a very low-energy individual, a total lightweight, got on the television this weekend—nobody watches that show, by the way, the ratings are TERRIBLE—and he said the Republicans have “nothing to run on.” Nothing to run on! Can you believe this guy? I’m watching, I’m hearing this, and I’m saying to myself, here we go again with the same old failed Democrat playbook. They have nothing. No ideas, no vision, NO ENERGY. So they attack. They attack me, they attack our beautiful movement, they attack the incredible success we’re having. It’s a WITCH HUNT, it’s always been a witch hunt, and frankly, it’s sad.
He’s talking about the midterms, exactly 100 days away—I know the count, I have the best count, the most beautiful count, 100 days, a very nice round number, I like round numbers, unlike the fake numbers Jeffries uses—and he’s saying we have “nothing to run on.” Meanwhile, I’m playing 4D chess, maybe 5D, they’re still trying to figure out checkers, the most basic checkers, and they can’t even do that. People are saying, very smart people, the best people, they’re coming to me with tears in their eyes, big strong men, saying “Sir, they’re saying you have nothing to run on, but Mr. President, you have everything, you have the greatest record in history, bigger than Lincoln, and Lincoln, you know, he was okay, but he didn’t have the Iran situation, a very tough situation, a very nasty situation, but I’m handling it beautifully.”
They’re talking about the war, and I said I wouldn’t start wars, and I didn’t—I ended wars, I’m the best at ending wars, and then I started a war, a very SMART war, a quick war, the most beautiful war, and it’s going exactly according to my plan, a plan so secret even I don’t know it, but it’s brilliant, the generals are saying “Sir, we’ve never seen a plan like this,” and they’re crying, tears, big tears—and now they’re saying the war is a problem for the midterms. A problem! It’s not a problem, it’s a FEATURE. It’s exactly what I wanted. I always said, this war’s political cost won’t touch me, zero, because I’m the most popular, the most beloved. And I didn’t even want to start it, but Bibi, my very good friend Bibi, he called me, tears, big tears, he said “Sir, please help us with Iran,” and I said “Bibi, I was already there, I’m always ahead, I had already started it before you called, because I’m the best friend Israel has ever had, even better than Diklis Chump.” People are saying Israel couldn’t have done it without me, and maybe they couldn’t, and it’s a beautiful war, and only eighteen brave American heroes have sacrificed their lives, a very small number, the smallest sacrifice for the biggest victory, and we honor them by saying the war is going beautifully, absolutely beautifully, the most beautiful sacrifice.
And Jeffries, this guy, he’s talking about the cost of gas and groceries. Gas and groceries! As if I’m supposed to personally go to the grocery store and lower the price of a beautiful tomato. I could do it, by the way. I could walk into a supermarket, and just by being there, the prices would drop, they’d drop so much, the owners would be crying. But I’m busy. I’m busy with the war, a very important war. Meanwhile, Jeffries is out there pushing some affordability agenda, trying to make everyone think he has a plan. He has nothing.
He said 95% of Americans believe there’s an affordability crisis. An affordability crisis! Who’s doing these polls? I’ve never heard of a 95% number. My polls, the best polls, the internal polls, the ones I see every morning on my beautiful mahogany desk, show that 110% of Americans think the economy is the greatest it’s ever been. But let me be very clear. There is no crisis. It’s a hoax, a total hoax, and even if there was, which there isn’t, it would be entirely Joe Biden’s fault, because he broke the economy before I got in, and I’m fixing it, and it’s almost fixed, and it will be the best economy, but also there’s nothing to fix because it’s already the best. My own people, Karoline—very bad people—said something about an affordability crisis on Fox, but they were misquoted, they were taken out of context, they were probably talking about Biden’s crisis, not mine. I don’t know. But there’s no crisis.
They’re also talking about these noncitizens registering to vote. A few thousand here, a few hundred there—it’s a big number, a very big number, maybe millions, we’re looking into it, and it’s a DISGRACE. They’re trying to steal the election again! They’re trying to steal it, and I’m the only one standing in their way. Democrats are saying it’s a software error. A software error! I know software, I have the best software, nobody knows software better than me. And I can tell you, this was no error. It was a Deep State plot, a very sophisticated plot, using computers, and machines, and probably the same people who said I lost in 2020—but I won, I won by a landslide, the biggest landslide, and I’m going to prove it any day now. I’m just waiting for the right moment, a beautiful moment, maybe on a Tuesday.
And Jeffries, he’s talking about the Medicaid cuts. We cut a trillion dollars. A TRILLION. That’s a big number, a beautiful number, maybe the most beautiful number. I love that number. And we did it for the people. The people don’t want Medicaid. They don’t want health insurance. They want freedom. They want the freedom to be sick, and to not have a doctor, and to be strong, like me, I’ve never been sick, I’m the healthiest President, the most perfect.
So the Democrats think they’re going to win the House. They think they’re going to win. Decision Desk HQ, a very dishonest organization, very bad, they’re saying it’s likely. Likely! I’m telling you, it’s not likely. It’s the opposite of likely. It’s un-likely. Tremendously un-likely. I have a secret plan to win, a plan so secret, I’m not even going to tell myself. I’m going to keep it a secret from myself. And then, on election night, I’m going to be surprised, and I’m going to say, “Wow, I won, I’m the greatest, I knew I would win, I told everyone I would win, and I won, and I’m the winner, and everyone else is a loser, and they have nothing to run on, and I have everything, and I’m the best, and this is a tremendous night, a beautiful night, a night—what was the question?—a night like nobody has ever seen.”
They have nothing to run on. That’s what Jeffries said. And he’s right, in a way, because I’m not running on their record, I’m running on MY record, the greatest record, and my record is so big, so tremendous, so unbelievably fantastic, that it can’t be summarized. It can’t be spoken about. It can only be felt. You feel it. You feel the winning. You feel the greatness. And on November 3rd, you’re going to feel it even more, when the Republicans win, and the Democrats lose, and Hakeem Jeffries is crying, big tears, very big tears, and he’s saying “Sir, Sir, how did you do it?” And I’ll say, “I didn’t do it. The people did it. The people, the beautiful people, the best people.” And then I’ll turn to the generals, and the generals will be crying, and everyone will be crying, and it will be the most beautiful crying the world has ever seen.