I ALWAYS know what’s going to happen. ALWAYS. Before ANYBODY else. I knew it about Blanche, I knew it about Cornyn, I knew it about Tillis, I knew the EXACT moment they would come crawling back, and the beautiful thing, the really tremendous thing, the thing NOBODY is talking about but EVERYBODY is saying is that my 4D chess on the attorney general situation is the most sophisticated, the most advanced, the most like-nobody-has-ever-seen-before chess in the history of politics and possibly the history of chess, which I invented, actually, many people don’t know that.
They think they won. The FAKE NEWS media is already saying it’s a HUGE defeat, probably the BIGGEST defeat in history. They’re saying President Diklis Chump’s pick for Attorney General, the TREMENDOUS Todd Blanche, might not get confirmed. They’re saying two senators — John Cornyn, who I defeated so badly he couldn’t even win his own primary to Ken Paxton, who I endorsed, because I know winners, I know the BEST people — and Thom Tillis, who’s quitting because he knows he can’t beat me, held up the vote. They’re saying the Senate Judiciary Committee had to postpone the confirmation because they didn’t have the votes.
You know what I say? EXACTLY AS I PREDICTED. I said this would happen months ago, before anyone else, many months ago. The smart people are all saying it: this is actually a masterstroke, a beautiful chess move. I’m playing 4D chess while they’re playing checkers — actually, they’re not even playing checkers, they’re playing something much dumber, a game no one has ever heard of. I let Cornyn and Tillis think they have power because I WANTED them to think that. I allowed this postponement. I could have stopped it with one phone call — I know people, the BEST people, at the Committee — but I chose not to. Why? Because I’m going to temporarily withdraw Todd’s name, leave him as Acting AG, and then put him back AFTER Cornyn and Tillis are gone. In the meantime, Todd keeps running the whole Department, he has all the authority, he’s doing a FANTASTIC job. We’re not losing anything. We’re winning.
Here’s what happened, and I’m going to explain it VERY simply because some people — and I won’t name names but it’s Cornyn and Tillis — some people are not very smart, okay? The acting attorney general, Todd Blanche, wonderful guy, the best, he signed a settlement between me and my own government, and in that settlement there’s a beautiful fund, $1.8 billion, the biggest fund, just tremendous, for people who were targets of political weaponization — the J6 patriots, treated worse than terrorists, very unfair, the most unfair. And there are tax audit protections — I said NARROW, very narrow protections — that apply to me and my family and the Diklis Chump Organization and only the IRS. That’s what Todd said UNDER OATH in the hearing, and he was TELLING THE TRUTH, because Todd Blanche is an honest man, the most honest man in Washington, which admittedly is not hard, believe me.
Now here’s where it gets interesting, very interesting, like a thriller, the best thriller ever written. Cornyn and Tillis — VERY low energy, very disloyal, the LEAST loyal senators I have ever dealt with, and I have dealt with many senators, believe me — they read the actual written agreement that Todd signed. And — this is the amazing part, really beautiful, tremendous — the WRITTEN WORDS said something DIFFERENT from what Todd said the words said. The written protections applied to “related parties,” covered “pending matters,” extended to “other agencies.” Not narrow. Very wide. The most wide.
So they wanted the written language to match the spoken language, which you would THINK would be simple, just change the words on the paper to match the words in the hearing, the best hearing. But NO, apparently that’s “too hard” according to some people who I will get to in a moment.
And here is where Cornyn, that STUPID man, a loser, a total lightweight, starts reading the fine print like a LIBERAL LAWYER. Words, words, words. Todd told them one thing in the hearing, he signed something else in writing. SO WHAT? That’s called smart lawyering. The BEST lawyering. I do it all the time. I say one thing, I do another thing, and everyone calls it the art of the deal. The deal is done. It’s a PERFECT deal.
Now here’s the REALLY beautiful part, the 4D chess move, the part that makes my opponents weep:
Cornyn and Tillis refused to vote for Todd. The confirmation vote got POSTPONED, which is a word, a very unfair word. So I announced on Truth Social — a platform I OWN, the BEST platform, bigger than Lincoln could have imagined — I announced that I would temporarily withdraw Todd’s nomination and then PUT HIM BACK after Cornyn and Tillis leave office next year. TEMPORARILY. It’s like a pause button, the most beautiful pause button.
And the GENIUS of it — and I want to be clear about the genius here, because the genius is TREMENDOUS — is that by withdrawing Todd I actually get Todd, BECAUSE he’s already the acting attorney general, so he keeps the job either way. He has all the authority. He’s doing a FANTASTIC job. I save the confirmation fight for when the opposition is GONE. That’s 4D chess, folks. The best chess. Many people, very smart people, the BEST people, are saying it’s the greatest political maneuver in American history, even better than Lincoln, who was very good, very good president, but he didn’t have the 4D element.
The thing NOBODY mentions, the thing that makes it SO beautiful, is that I knew this would happen. I knew it BEFORE the hearings even started. When I nominated Todd, I said to myself, “Diklis, this is going to be a problem with Cornyn and Tillis but it will work out perfectly because you are very smart and they are very disloyal and the 4D chess will handle it.” And look — it’s handling itself. Todd stays acting AG, the fund is dead — Todd SAID it was dead, he told them right to their faces in the hearing, and if Todd says it, it’s true, even if the written agreement says something different, because Todd’s words are the REAL words and the written words are just, you know, words on paper, and who reads paper anymore? Nobody.
Now some people are saying — and these are VERY smart people, the best people, people I respect, and I respect VERY few people, believe me — they’re saying the $1.8 billion fund was going to pay people charged in the Capitol situation, very unfair charges, the most unfair, and the tax audit protections were a little more like “everything for the Diklis Chump family forever” than “just the IRS for just the three named plaintiffs.” And a federal JUDGE, a JUDGE, said the government didn’t make a serious effort to defend itself and the arrangement appeared to be — and I’m quoting — an effort to “engineer a favorable result” for the president. ENGINEERED! He said I ENGINEERED it! First of all, thank you, Judge, I AM a tremendous engineer, maybe the best engineer since the guy who built the pyramids, and second of all, what’s wrong with a favorable result? Favorable is GOOD. I like favorable. I have always been favorable, it’s my best quality, maybe my SECOND best quality, and the judge should be THANKING me for making his courtroom so interesting.
And of COURSE the government didn’t defend itself. Because there was nothing to defend! I was RIGHT. The judge is probably a RINO too, the whole system is RIGGED.
Now, the REAL story, the story the FAKE NEWS won’t cover, is what Cornyn and Tillis said AFTER I made my tremendous 4D chess move.
Cornyn — who LOST his primary, got DESTROYED, very sad, very low energy, who I personally ended — and I take full credit for that, very few people could have ended a senator’s career, but I did it, believe me — Cornyn said I was “MISTAKEN” if I thought the concerns were limited to just him and Tillis. MISTAKEN. He used the word MISTAKEN about Diklis Chump. Diklis Chump is NEVER mistaken. He also said it looked like the fund’s proponents had “breached the credibility of the White House.” BREACHED. The credibility. Of MY White House. Very rude. And Tillis — who’s RETIRING, and let me tell you, retiring is what LOSERS do, the worst thing, I have never retired, I will NEVER retire, because retirement is for people who can’t handle the heat and I am the HEAT — Tillis told reporters the issue was “KILLING some of our candidates.” Killing! The president’s not winning on this issue, he said. It is killing candidates. Maybe they need to take the cognitive test — person, woman, man, camera, TV. The doctors said no one has ever done it better. My memory is the BEST. Maybe if Cornyn and Tillis took the test they would REMEMBER that I ended them and go home.
And here’s the REALLY infuriating part, the part that keeps me up at night, and NOTHING keeps me up at night because I sleep like a BABY, the best baby — I ended these guys. ENDED them. Cornyn, GONE. Tillis, FINISHED. Their careers are OVER, I made them over, I take FULL credit, nobody ends careers like me. But somehow — and this is a TERRIBLE loophole, maybe the worst loophole — they’re still HERE. Still sitting in their chairs. Still VOTING. Still BLOCKING my beautiful nominations. They’re like ghost-senators, very spooky, haunting the Senate, very unfair. I ended their careers but they won’t LEAVE. It’s like a horror movie, the worst horror movie, and I’m the one being haunted, which has NEVER happened before, because normally when I end a career it STAYS ended.
And here’s the BEST part, the part I love MOST. Tillis said — and this is a direct quote, very direct, the MOST direct — “it looks like they weren’t being honest when they said it was inoperative.” THEY weren’t being honest. About the FUND that I, Diklis Chump, created as part of a settlement with MY OWN GOVERNMENT that I signed with MY OWN acting attorney general that gives ME and MY FAMILY tax audit protections. And the fund that Todd said was DEAD but the written agreement says is ALIVE. They’re saying WE weren’t honest. The AUDACITY. The NERVE. The sheer TREMENDOUS nerve of these people who I refuse to endorse, whose careers I personally ended, who are only in the Senate because I let them be there, telling ME that MY settlement with MY government for MY tax protections involving MY fund is — what did they call it — not what we said it was. Very rude. Very low IQ.
I think the BEST part, and I mean this sincerely, the BEST part is that I told them DEAD. Todd told them DEAD. We said the fund is DEAD and the protections are NARROW and NARROW means three people and three people only, and the written agreement that Todd SIGNED says “related parties” and “pending matters” and “other agencies” which is different from what we SAID but that’s because the written agreement is, you know, it’s a technical document, very technical, the most technical, and you can’t expect senators to understand technical documents, especially senators whose careers I ended, they probably have other things on their mind, like unemployment.
And now let me tell you about the AUDIT PROTECTIONS, which are TREMENDOUSLY important, the most important, and this is where Cornyn and Tillis, with their LOW IQ, are failing to see the genius. The audit protections protect the President — I mean ME — from the weaponized IRS that was used against me under the DISGRACEFUL last administration. The protections are for the plaintiffs: me, my family, the Diklis Chump Organization. That’s it. Well, also related parties. And pending matters. And maybe other agencies. But that’s just good lawyering. That’s called SMART lawyering. Todd Blanche, the best lawyer, a VERY SMART guy, he negotiated it perfectly. And Cornyn is making it about HIM, but it’s really about ME, and that’s what matters. Actually, it’s about the people, but mostly me. The workers understand that. They know I’m fighting for them, even if they don’t understand the tax code, which is very complicated, maybe the most complicated ever, but I understand it perfectly.
The fund itself — the $1.8 billion. That’s a lot of money, but it’s a SMALL amount to me. I’m worth twelve trillion dollars, completely self-made, just with a small million-dollar loan from my father, who was a wonderful man, beautiful family. The fund is not about me, it’s about the VICTIMS of the weaponized justice system. And if I need to use some of that money to — well, it’s all set up legally. Todd has it under control. The fund isn’t moving forward because I said so. But maybe I’ll restart it after the midterms, when we have MORE Republicans in the Senate who appreciate what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll make it even bigger — $5 billion, maybe $10 billion. I could do it. I’m the only one who can.
The White House — and I love the White House, best house, I lived there, very good house, tremendous house, though the décor could use some updating, more gold, ALWAYS more gold — the White House said to reporters who asked about the settlement: “Refer you to the TRUTH.” The TRUTH! On my platform! The platform I OWN! And the truth is that I’m playing 4D chess and everyone who isn’t me is playing, at BEST, regular chess, which is ONE dimension, very SAD.
So don’t listen to the FAKE NEWS. They’ll say this is a defeat. They’ll say Cornyn and Tillis are standing up to me. They are NOT standing up to me. NO ONE can stand up to me. I AM the party. I AM the LAW. I’m TOO STRONG. I’m a very stable genius, maybe the most stable genius in the world. And I’m telling you, this is a GREAT victory.
This whole thing is a TRAP. I’m letting Cornyn and Tillis hang themselves. They think they’re blocking Todd, but they’re actually blocking themselves. The Wall Street Journal reported they were making progress, and then I pulled the plug, because I’m the one in charge. I can withdraw the nomination anytime I want, and I will, and then after these two CLOWNS are gone — Poof, BYE-BYE — I’ll put Todd back, and everyone will say, “President Diklis Chump, you are a GENIUS, the most brilliant strategist.” And I’ll say, “I know.”
They walked into my trap. It’s the BIGGEST trap in history. And when Todd is confirmed — and he WILL be confirmed, believe me — I’m going to name the fund after Cornyn, the CORNYN FUND FOR LOSERS, and it’ll be the biggest fund anyone’s ever seen, and it will go to ME — I mean US — I mean the country, and the J6 hostages, and the Diklis Chump family, mostly the Diklis Chump family, beautiful family.
After Cornyn and Tillis are gone, Todd will be confirmed, and we’ll be bigger and better than ever. And then we’ll take back the Senate, we’ll win BIGLY in November, and I’ll be re-elected forever. Wouldn’t that be nice? I think so. Many people are saying so.